hey girl
let's bring this down upon us.
we are almost certain that our bone structure makes us obese
with all our ribs sticking out of our skin
shiver. shiver. shiver.
found parallels of me in everyone i meet.
they get it. i got it. horrid girl, you read too much into things.
-------------.
friday: he kept me from shivering. i kept my phone turned off.
saturday: twenty-six small tablets made me feel worse about myself than any breakup, any missed opportunity, any fallen structure ever could.
sunday: i forget. remembering is hard. don't know if i can't remember or if i won't.
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what i would like right now is to feel some barefoot girl's acoustic guitar fill me up from the inside, from the outside in. you know. some man with an upright bass and that girl's voice is kind of screechy but it's emotional and that's what makes it right.
what i would like right now is some goddamn courage [twentysixfiftytwoonehundredandfour?] or some goddamn intelligence.
-------------.
i tried this way before and i forgot the numbing.
i can't really feel my own fingertips on my skin
my face my arms my breasts between my legs.
i panicked, the first time
the second time, i just remembered.
-------------.
in conclusion, this will not be the last time that i try this way out.
Author notes
"I keep finding parallels of you in me and it's scary and not altogether pleasant."
i know, oh lord how i know.
[thoughts. up too late on a monday night/tuesday morning. if you understand this, we are soul mates.]
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< I am prepared for this contest, and I will make all deadlines that are given to me (unless the case of a medical reason or emergency comes up) if I know I will not be around AP that much at one point (due to things like school, vacations) I will notify Ryan ahead of time.
< I will not bash any beliefs, religions, etc at any point in this contest
< I will not bash/insult or speak unneeded commets about any contestant at any point in this contest, all comments on my fellow contestants will be written in the form of constructive criticism
< I realize that all judges decisions are final, and I will respect the judges, if one judge does say something unneeded, I will report it to Ryan, or the mods, but I realize that all comments I am recieving from judges are intended to be constructive criticism
< Most of all, I will try to have fun
I, same ghost, have read the above rules, and agree to follow.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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No.
I have to say no, although the piece had merit and you worked out some nice things here. Certainly some of the emotion came through. I found myself getting lost in the structure-the way you layed out the lines and stanzas.
This is the kind of poem that I think would be awesome being read aloud in a poetry slam or something, and it would do well there. But it just didnt work for me for this contest. -
No, although I found some of the images captivating, the abstract style and lack of punctuation, made this seem rambling. Although I don't myself use a lot of punctuation either, I do choose to use line breaks to create the pauses that are needed of which yours just drifted on and on not leaving time for the reader to assimilate or identify with. Sorry, maybe next time, hugs...
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No
La x
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Yes
This was a hard decision for me to be honest. To be honest again it isn't the greatest, but I defiantly can see something/you going somewheres. I was in favour of some of the images, and the weekend's description was cool. Please wait patiently for the other judge's answers. Thanks; Ryan. -
your description of your weekend sounds so incredibly eerily familiar...
i know. talk to me. -
i think i understand.
and if i'm right then we are soulmate =P
'what i would like right now is to feel some barefoot girl's acoustic guitar fill me up from the inside, from the outside in. you know. some man with an upright bass and that girl's voice is kind of screechy but it's emotional and that's what makes it right.
what i would like right now is some goddamn courage [twentysixfiftytwoonehundredandfour?] or some goddamn intelligence.'
i loved that. i would love that right now, right here.
your writing makes me feel empty, but whole at the same time. it's strange, but it is very moving.
This deserves a bookmark. =)
<3
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damn
theres just so much i wish i could say about this
but im not sure how to say it.
i understand to extent. i do know that it effects me so i definatly have to remember this one.
♥
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Don't really understand all of it, but nicely written.
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