Form and Beauty, by Chaz D. Wolf
Wind and rain, torrent and time,
my mind races, reason without rhyme.
“Logic,” they cry, this is the way,
but I know it is naught," nay" I say.
My heart longs for balance and peace,
the gap between goes on without cease.
To bring stability amidst theses foes,
the equilibrium, no one knows.
Formula, structure, technique, and form.
This is what they want, “follow the norm.”
Yet ah, I want gentleness and grace,
the others "all rubbish, a disgrace."
Like a dew dripped rose, upon the morn,
a long sounded horn, oft’ and forlorn.
To the complete the circle, is a great quest,
won only by discomfort, and much unrest.
There is a battle both old and fierce,
betwixt these two, my dart shall pierce.
Sow them up, and bind them one,
fulfill these two, and all is done.
Though I try, and may yet fail,
against all odds, I shall not quail.
To bridge the space of time and air,
connecting them both, with ease and flare.
*Pow*
Author notes
As I am sure you know, there is struggle between formula and beauty. To get this right is the aspiration of all genuine artists, ranging form painters, musicians and yes-even poets! I hope you enjoy this poem! Thanks for thoughts and comments!
P.S. This poem has Not been entered into any other contest!
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended December 11, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Very nice entry ~
I think you have a solid entry here....however, the Theme just seem to be hidden a bit from the Reader....and if it had not been for the AN, I would have had a bit of a problem figuring it out ~
Not a bad job.....and I think your other Judges have covered most everything else ~
Let's see how it scores!
Good luck Poet,
Bear ~
Title 8.75
Flow 8.15
Depth 8.8
Theme 9.2
Feelings 9.15
Grammar 9.3
Presentation 8.85
Uncommonness 10
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.35
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 91.55
Not bad ~
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Hi and welcome to the POW.
Let me first say that I love the original theme of your poem. It isn't glaringly apparent on first reading, yet it did come through for me.
The first thing I noticed is that there isn't a single period anywhere throughout the write. I believe almost every stanza would greatly benefit from having a period at the end of lines 2 and 4. This would improve the flow and allow your readers to digest everything you're saying. Not seeing one at the very end was even rather confusing, as it made the poem feel "unfinished", or like you hadn't completed your thoughts.
There are a number of other small grammar/punctuation problems...In the first stanza, you have "logic," which reads as if a direct quote. If that was your intention, then "this is the way," also needs to be in quotation marks, and possibly "nay" on the next line. Stanza 2, line 3 "theses" has an extra "s". Stanza 4, line 3 you have an extra "the" before "complete". I question the proper use of a couple of words, such as "cease".
Beyond that, I think you've got a solid poem here. A little light on depth of feeling and emotion, but you stayed focused on your theme and gave me something to think about long after I've finished reading. There is a nice mix of thought, metaphor, and imagery, and as a whole I enjoyed this a lot.
Thanks so much for your entry, and I hope you'll join us in future PO contests. You've got what I believe to be a gem of a poem, just needing a little polishing up.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J.
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Thanks for the comments!
Hi there, I really appreciate you input. After the contest has ended I shall make sure to correct it. My apologies about the grammar, I have never studied the proper way to write a poem, and thought that you always ended the lines with commas. Lol. I'll be sure not to make that mistake again!
Thanks for you comments!-Chaz
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Well, awesomely enough, allpoetry ate my comment.
I think it went something like this:
You have some grammar errors, and some typos, so do a bit of re-reading for those things. I think the biggest grammar flaw with this piece is every line ending in a comma. Poetry should be punctuated like prose, or you end up with all manner of grammar errors. Look for lines that need periods, colons, semicolons, etc.
*POW* should be in the Author's Notes, but I see you've put it at the end of the poem, so you should be fine
The title isn't super creative, but it does capture the breadth of your poem.
I thought the flow was pretty good, though keep an eye out for forced-sounding rhymes.
Your emotions did come through well in some of the lines; give the reader a bit more insight into your feelings about this balance between beauty and form.
The theme was evinced well, and I haven't seen one like this before, so it should score nicely as far as uncommonness.
Good use of images and metaphors; I saw quite a few strong poetic devices. I would have particularly liked to have seen you extend your metaphor of “to bridge the space of time and air,”. But the rhyme may constrict that possibility.
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