Mom! We’ll be back in an hour
My brother and I ran out to the park
To have a ‘rough’ game of football
And that day was the first time
When I actually defeated my brother
So I snatched away his title of being ‘the ultimate’
Since I was the one who always lost, except this time
I teased” What is to happen, will happen
What is to come, will go
What is to start, will end”
'Slowly’ we came back home, shouting fighting all the way
To enter our home, which was supposed to be lively
My mom sat in the corner, weeping
My father’s eyes looked empty as he sighted us coming
We couldn’t understand the sudden change
And looked towards our father, confused
He took a minute to gather some energy, to tell the ‘truth’
Took us to another room, closed the door
And said,” Your elder sister is no more”
I didn’t know what to say, what to feel,
All I did, was to wipe out tears off my mother’s face
I felt a bit hollow, a bit lonely
I felt a part of me being greedily snatched away
I saw my younger brother, weeping silently
I saw my father broken, torn apart
As my sister’s body lay in front of us
Father sympathized” What is to happen, will happen
What is to come, will go
What is to start, will end”
‘Slowly’ years started passing by,
Everyone started recovering from this grave loss
On the other hand, I didn’t recover too well
As I still couldn’t forget my mom’s tears and father’s eyes
I couldn’t let this happen again
I would not be able to see this again
I failed to understand this universal ‘truth’
That, everyone had to die, is always said
As I slowly started fearing me being dead
‘33’ years later, aged a mere forty-two
I became one of the richest persons in India
Commanded respect from my employees and society
But none could stop me from acquiring Cancer
Now the fear of death started looming o’er my mind
I rushed to world class doctors, who said was initial stage
They would ‘throw’ this cancer out; I would heal in no time
They re-assured” What is to happen, will happen
What is to come, will go
What is to start, will end”
‘Slowly’, shockingly all of medical science started to fail
As the cancer started making its way upwards
All of the money earned, spent, all of regards earned, used
None could hamper the growth of this ‘death sentence’
I could not leave back my parents, my brother
I didn’t want to leave my two infant daughters and my wife alone
Compelled, I was staring at my life’s ‘truth’
There I lay on bed, my eyes closed forever
My brother, my mom, my dad, my wife, crying me a river
I had finally faced my worst fear
And proved to be a dwarf, in front of the almighty
All the science, all the money
All the respect, all the love
None had the potency to change the destiny
All that is left of me in this world
Is the sole name that I carried
I thought” What is to happen, will happen
What is to come, will go
What is to start, will end”
‘Slowly’, I felt a hand across my shoulder
I turned around and saw my sister
She flashed at me, that same old familiar smile
And that warm hug, which I had almost forgotten
We walked together for a while, to find
Our dear ones, grieving over my body
Then we turned again, for a journey to find the ‘truth’
“Everything disintegrates, except one thing, which remains as a whole
Is only a person’s soul”
Author notes
option no. 7
A contest entry
- For Poets With No Trophys- Prewrites Allowed. by Mercury Rising.
550 points, ended December 17, 2007, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your best PW from 2007... by O.o.
1000 points, ended January 11, 2008, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Looking for a critique? by Danna Hobart.
300 points, ended February 24, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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***I see that you have won both a silver and a gold with this piece, and so I am not sure why you are asking for a critique.
***Before I start, let me tell you a little about myself and how I critique, because you may not be real happy with me when I start pulling this apart.
***When I critique, I do it with the goal of making the piece publishable. I base my critiques on what I have learned in college, in my personal reading, and in my experience submitting my own work to publishers as well as working as the editor of two online magazines. Your ultimate goal may not be to get the piece published, and therefore, the stringency of my critique may not apply. If that is the case, please just use whatever you find useful, and ignore what isn’t.
***First of all, this is not a poem, it is prose, a story in the form of a poem. It could be put in paragraph form with little effort, for example:
“Mom! We’ll be back in an hour.” My brother and I ran out to the park, to have a ‘rough’ game of football, and that day was the first time when I actually defeated my brother, so I snatched away his title of being ‘the ultimate.’
***One difference between poetry and prose is that prose is the every day language we use, but “poetry is language at its most distilled and most powerful,” (Rita Dove). Therefore, for the sake of poetry, many of these words could be cut completely without losing any of the meaning, for example:
My mother
in a corner,
weeping.
My father’s eyes
empty.
***Another difference between poetry and prose is that poetry strives to show instead of tell. Your prose is all tell. Don’t get me wrong, you tell it well, but I will try and explain the difference between show and tell.
***The difference between showing and telling is the difference between reading a review of a good movie, and going to see it for yourself. Instead of stating a situation flat out, you want to let the reader discover what you're trying to say with imagery. Showing brings your words to life. Dialogue is another way to show, and you do use a little of it in your prose. When you use dialogue, you should use quotation marks- double quotation marks. Your use of inverted commas as a single quotation mark is not correct in American English. “There are a few fields — philosophy and linguistics among them — where 'single quotation marks' are used for special technical purposes. Unless you're working in one of those fields, though, quotations inside quotations are the only place for single quotation marks — don't use them to highlight individual words or to draw attention to figurative expressions, slang, or nonstandard usage. If you're not quoting, don't use quotation marks.” (Lynch Guide to Grammar http://andromeda.rutgers.edu/~jlynch/Writing/s.html#single)
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thanks !
that was the best comment i will ever recieve..
thanks for all those tips..they will really look this piece make look better..and i will try and inculcate them in here and in my further pieces..
though i havent mentioned it in my authors notes[i will] but i wrote this due to a loss which i saw..so i wrote this in order to seek solace...thus i wrote it not for people to infer but to tell...and thus i chose the prose form..
thanking you from the core of the heart for such a nice comment..
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And said,” Your elder sister is no more”
***Is that really what he said? Do people really talk like that? There is no need to reword things to make them sound poetic. It just ends up sounding silly or fake.
I felt a bit hollow, a bit lonely
I felt a part of me being greedily snatched away
I saw my younger brother, weeping silently
I saw my father broken, torn apart
***Your brother was older than you at the beginning of this piece, but now he is younger?
***A string of lines in a row that begin with the pronoun I like this are always a red flag to me. It often shows an egocentric writer. I don’t think that is the case this time though, but when writing poetry, you can leave out most pronouns, as well as adjectives, adverbs, conjunctions, definitive and indefinite articles and modifiers without losing what you are trying to show, for example:
I felt hollow,
felt part of [myself] snatched away.
I saw my brother, [cry]
saw my father [break] apart.
***The words in the brackets are words I substituted.
As my sister’s body lay in front of us
***If your sister was alive when you left for the park, and then an hour or so later, she is dead, how/why is her body laid out in front of you? How did she die? It is too soon for a body to be laid out on display.
Father sympathized” What is to happen, will happen
***Again, your quotation mark is misplaced. Also, the word “sympathized” is not used correctly here. The word “consoled” would fit much better.
What is to come, will go
What is to start, will end”
***Is this a common saying in India?
That, everyone had to die, is always said
As I slowly started fearing me being dead
***This rhyme amongst all this prose does not work. You had to word it backward in order to make it work, which only draws attention to it, but since the grammar is not correct, you should not try drawing attention to it.
‘33’ years later, aged a mere forty-two
I became one of the richest persons in India
***How did you accomplish this?
They would ‘throw’ this cancer out; I would heal in no time
***I have never heard a doctor use the phrase that they would “throw cancer out” and therefore this starts coming across as fake.
my eyes closed forever
***This is actually a good way to show death instead of just saying that you had died.
My brother, my mom, my dad, my wife, crying me a river
***Avoid clichés like “crying me a river.”
Is the sole name that I carried
***If you had children, then there would be more left than just a name.
“Everything disintegrates, except one thing, which remains as a whole
Is only a person’s soul”
***When I get to the end, I honestly felt condescended to because you go and sum everything up for me. “A poet must leave traces of his passage, not proof.” (Rene Char) If the poet does his job right, he does not need to draw conclusions for his reader, the reader will come to the conclusion that the writer desired all on their own, because the poet picks every image, every metaphor, every allusion, symbol, and simile, every single word to lead the reader to that conclusion. As for what you have written here; as I already stated, it is not really a poem, it is a story in the form of a poem. My advise is to stop trying to pass it off as a poem and turn it into a story. You are off to a great start.
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And that day was the first time
When I actually defeated my brother
So I snatched away his title of being ‘the ultimate’
***Here is the first place where you tell when showing would be so much more interesting. If this really happened, it would have been very exciting. The reader would love to share in that excitement of the underdog defeating his older brother. I don’t know much about football, so it is hard for me to give you an example using the athletic terms, but you could say something like:
His feet were heavy that day,
but mine were lighter than air,
I flew past him
ball tucked under my arm
***That example is on the cliché side, but it is just an example.
I teased” What is to happen, will happen
***Here, where you do use a quotation mark, you have it spaced too far away from your quote, and therefore, it is facing the wrong direction from your quote.
I teased ”What is to happen, will happen
What is to come, will go
What is to start, will end!”
***Here is how the quotation mark should look. Also, you should have proper punctuation in side the quotes. Since this is one brother teasing another, I would imagine that it would be an exclamation point at the end of the quote.
'Slowly’ we came back home, shouting fighting all the way
To enter our home, which was supposed to be lively
***I am not sure why you repeat the word “Slowly” through the prose. My feeling is that it does not add any sense of congruency to the piece. Also instead of telling the reader that your home was supposed to be lively, you should show them. What does a lively home look like? Does it smell like chicken cooking on the stove? Does it sound like your mother singing as she peels potatoes?
My mom sat in the corner, weeping
My father’s eyes looked empty as he sighted us coming
We couldn’t understand the sudden change
And looked towards our father, confused
***There is no need to tell the reader that you and your brother were confused. Show them your confusion.
I felt my heart tighten
my breath drew deep in immediate fear
our eyes were fixed on my father
our mouths stood open
confused
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Well, I think that my critique is too long because every time I try to add it, I get an error message, so I will submit it as more than one comment to avoid that problem.
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Very interesting poem. I felt like I just read a life story. While there is no escaping death when it's one's time, it is important to live life to the fullest while we are here.
Nicely done, thank you for entering.
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Very touching!
Hey,
This is a very sad poem. I could feel your emotion, your pain, but it also showed some kind of hope too. I think you must have put a lot of work into this, and I think what one of the comments said on here is very true - "beautiful sadness"
I hope you dont mind me saying however - I do think the format was a bit flawed...and it was a lilll too long...but overall I did enjoy it.
Thanks for entering my contest, and the best of luck!
[x] -
This was a truly sad story u've described here.However even though the thought in this was profound, it was flawed a bit in the sense of form of poetry.U shd hv either stuck to free verse or rhyme.Other than that I liked the repittitions.Thanks for entering and best of luck
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This is a sorrow filled piece, truly touching. Very well penned, good luck with it in the contest
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So sad and long.
You wrote about it very nicely though.
Thank you for entering and all the best in the contest.
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Such a sad story. You turned something I believe we all are frightened of into beautiful sadness. Excellent write
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A well-composed tale, with a great deal of emotion and philosophical thought, expression, message.
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Nice to know that most still believe while those who don't will also in the future.
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thanks for sharing.. well done... well express ... well written... awesome!!!!
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bhaukaali!
mann!! this is one awesome poem that u have written!!
sahi mein bahut mast hai... quite senti too.... umm.... and sad to know how much it depressed u...
hope u get over it completely soon..
well... the trophies pretty much speak it all... the poem's ur best in all i've read till now!
keep writing such amazing pieces... but plz see that they don't depress u as much...!!
keep it up!!
take care.. good luck further!
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tHIS IS aMAZING wELL DONE Thanks for entering
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Wow
I had finally faced my worst fear
And proved to be a dwarf, in front of the almighty
All the science, all the money
All the respect, all the love
None had the potency to change the destiny
All that is left of me in this world
Is the sole name that I carried
I thought” What is to happen, will happen
What is to come, will go
What is to start, will end”
Lovely!
This poem carries a wonderful message. I enjoyed this very much. Well done and thank you so much for entering this.
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This poem has a great message. I guess it just goes to show that everyone dies, everything comes to an end, and that no amount of love, or material possessions, can buy you a minute more.
I hope that writing this has given you some sort of closure, and I would like to offer you my deepest condolences in light of your loss. I wish you the very best.
Blessed be
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This is an incredible outpouring of emotion, almost confessional as it begins with the grab of victory to be so quickly crushed and guilt becomes misplaced. The conclusion brings peace as in death loved ones are reunited. I hope writing this has been cathartic for you & thank you for sharing it with all those who have loved and lost.
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the flow was a little sticky but the content was beautiful! amazing poem. Good luck in the contest and have a happy new year!
~NineTailedFox
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Uber cool
Awesome man! Way to go! -
The wording of this is a little awkward at times, but the message and philosophy itself is pretty good. Although long, I don't think it's TOO long because it tells as story at the same time, and that's a good thing ^-^. Good job, and good luck in the contest!
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this is beautiful,so sad. i also lost my sister.its an unreal nightmare.so i like those lines what is to come will go what is to start will end.good storygreat write.
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Did your bother call you a 'tard' after that? It fits into the tone of the poem but is highly unlike any dialogs carried out between brothers. I think you got too into the idea of poetry, and sort of lost sight of the point. You wrote your idea of what your poem should be. You pandered to the audience. Don't take this to mean I don't have sympathy or compassion for the truth you're trying to tell. I'm only commenting on the process.
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beautiful write. you deserve the silver you got. life is a journey we all must travel.
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I generally speaking prefer poetry that rhymes because it has more emotional effect over me, but this poem is beautiful. It shows very nicely the nature of life and of death.
This is extraordinarily well done.
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A deeply poignant and touching poem with spiritual undercurrents that carry much meaning. Best of luck in my contest with this excellent piece of poetry.
David
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