The piano notes are travelling
Without coming back,
Like a creek that has spread its heart wIde
To make it over the stones.
ThIs is for those of you who have left something,
He smiles,
As he sings the end of the song's life.
Forgotten his voice keens,
As he looks backward,
It skies with the wind.
White, the wind disappears around the walls
Vocalizing still,
Forgotten,
Breaking its heart around the walls that were homes.
He is crying for the forgotten.
And the song flows on,
Losing itself as it leaves behind its speech
'Way back in the desert.
A high voice rises over the bass
Sweetly
With the heart of a boy
'My voice is forgotten'
He is crying for the forgotten.
'And I rise one more time'
Colored beads dropping
Wheels turning
Years dancing
Wind singing the highest notes
Still it sings
'My voice is forgotten'
He is crying for the forgotten.
Author notes
Tam Lin; female; Emma; 15. From this contest I would like to find out how several of my poems and my writing style in general is going to stand up to critique.
This one is about wind. Also about leaving things behind.
A contest entry
- The Four Elements by Metaphorist.
600 points, ended December 17, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Teen Idol 7: Round One by Tangled Angle.
525 points, ended January 1, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Write something decent by Clockwork.
375 points, ended January 3, 2008, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter Here... by Lj-.
300 points, ended January 15, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Enjoyed reading this poem, although thought that the word forgotten was mentioned too often in these lines, especially back to back lines in the verses.
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What I really like about poetry from this kind, is that there's imagery inside the lines
a skill you've perfectly acquired with this if you ask me
very much enjoyed this write!
Thanks for sharing,
Leander -
245
[out of 10]
originality: 8
creativity: 8
Catchy Title: 5
Transitions: 7
[out of 15]
Line-breaking: 13
(Balance of) ideas: 12
Length: 15
[out of 20]
Structure/Coherency: 13
Interesting opening: 18
Effective ending: 14
Universal Theme: 20
Flow: 15
Focus: 20
Passion/Emotion: 15
[out of 25]
Message: 22
Initial impact: 20
Final impact: 20
[out of 300]
TOTAL: 245
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Hello,
Congratulations, you have made the first cut. I will be making a second cut. In order for you to have a chance at making it past the next cut is to apply for this group. Please look for the information that is required for you to give me, so that you can join; don’t worry, it is only two things: username and gender. This will help me organize making cuts better. Thank you.
Again, congratulations, and good luck.
http://allpoetry.com/group/info/Teen%20Idol%207?stay=1
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This is pretty cool.
I like the images, but in some spots it seemed to have more telling than showing...not that it's a bad thing...but I think it kind of got to be a bit too noticable.
I didn't like the repetition of 'forgotten'. Perhaps different word choice would have been better.
Besides that, this is well done. I like the metaphors and imagery.
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Very nice. I like the wind being likened to a song reverberating. Also, the feel of this entire poem is very soothing like a gentle breeze. Imagery is excellent.
Thanks for entering and good luck.
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