winter is blooming soft,
like many winds of December,
every year it does,
but I am warm, warm
with the loudest tinge of blush
from your lips, warm with the red of your tongue
you may not understand
the way bobolinks sang,
way before Christmas
and how redbirds called your name
right into the hardwood
of my lips -
you still will ask
how spring came early into my mouth,
and how I tasted the wind
with my tongue, too carefully rolled in with yours
and I shall reply in a moan,
with a smile on my lips, again and again,
till my voice speaks
to no one
Author notes
Have been inspired a lot lately.
Screenname: Karamel Kandy
Sex: Female
Real Name: Namita
Age: 13
Why do I want to participate in Teen Idol 7?: To get experience and a whole lot of friends - and maybe learn how to overcome writer's block too.
In a list
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round One by Tangled Angle.
525 points, ended January 1, 2008, 15 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please give some honest and constructive criticism -
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This is wonderful, of course.
m
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284.5
[out of 10]
originality: 9
creativity: 7
Catchy Title: 10
Transitions: 8.5
[out of 15]
Line-breaking: 14
(Balance of) ideas: 12
Length: 15
[out of 20]
Structure/Coherency: 19
Interesting opening: 20
Effective ending: 20
Universal Theme: 20
Flow: 20
Focus: 20
Passion/Emotion: 18
[out of 25]
Message: 25
Initial impact: 24
Final impact: 23
[out of 300]
TOTAL: 284.5
-
Hello,
Congratulations, you have made the first cut. I will be making a second cut. In order for you to have a chance at making it past the next cut is to apply for this group. Please look for the information that is required for you to give me, so that you can join; don’t worry, it is only two things: username and gender. This will help me organize making cuts better. Thank you.
Again, congratulations, and good luck.
http://allpoetry.com/group/info/Teen%20Idol%207?stay=1
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You are such a mature writer for your age.
I still can't believe me and you got off to such a bad start too.
That's actually kind of funny. 
Yeah.. I am 100% sure you'll make it through to the next round. You'll do well in the contest. Good luck.
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nice. i really like the title too.
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The soft movement of the words instill in this poem makes me wish I am the person named Winston
The way you render words makes my heart flutter into the sky of bliss.
As always, excellent.
Thanks Namita for sharing this piece.
VIRGOAN
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"and how redbirds called your name
right into the hardwood
of my soul -"
SIGHS...beautiful poem!
-
*sighs*
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Quite interesting, quite interesting. You captured the slow, languorous nature of a Winter Romance with your snow-fall cadence and the sharp breaths that come over your words.
There are some specific linguistic choices that I adore and others that I think could be tailored better around sound and delivery.
Firstly- your opening of "Winter is blooming" is fantastic and extremely subtle. But that specific metaphor dies out right there, whereas I feel an extension into the next line or a thread into the next image could bolster what is still pretty vague. Does it bloom like fruit on a tree or does it unfold like petals of a rose? The "winds of December" could perhaps have more of an interplay with blooming- that line too needs more direction and focusing. Because "many" winds implies a variety of character and yet they're all grouped under the category of "soft" (I can think of a few December winds that are rather harsh)
Loudest tinge of blush is absolutely fantastic- Blush tinges are usually faint, and most spring poetry speaks of faint blushes- you absolutely turn this notion over on its head and make winter, usually the grayer and blurrier of the seasons the most vivid and bright of its sisters. The word "loudest" creates a great cadencial peak in a soft poem.
I love the idea of redbirds (which I associated with woodpeckers correct me if I'm wrong) pattering out the name into the "hardwood" but PLEASE come up with an image more personal and specific than 'soul'. The word 'soul' has not been used successfully in poetry since Whitman, and the term "my soul" has not been used successfully in poetry since the late 19th century. It's been used so many times it's meaningless- if you want to say the source of life that generates your organ of consciousness come up with your own way of saying it- or go for a piece of you, physical or immaterial that somehow touches you at your most intimate. Maybe an erogenous zone to be your hardwood- pardon the pun.
I'd change the "into my mouth" to something a bit more active since spring is "coming" - maybe it tides to your mouth or maybe it blooms from your mouth (there's some great imagery to be exploited in here by the way- grapevines trellising off the lip etc.)
I love the ending. The ending is perfect.
Max -
I see Winston is stirring that very creative muse of yours - or is Winston the muse? This is lovely poetry, Namita... loved the warmth here against the white landscape - and of course the blush!! The last stanza ends this love poem on a high - a moan is just the right thing... sighs - beautiful!!
~ Nicolette
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