with the beat of slow drums;
theres more to leaving here
than walking.
with downcast eyes;
theres more to living
than being alive.
with eyes dusted with tears;
theres more to the world
than most see.
with a heart cast to the side;
theres more to loveing
than being loved.
with broken dreams;
theres more to life
than dreaming.
A contest entry
- it's alarming how loud the silence screams-- by noir eyes.
300 points, ended March 2, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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ah! i loved how you used the quote in your piece, it complimentited it very well =]
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I don’t like “with eyes dusted with tears.”
I guess it’s supposed to be ironic.
Couldn’t you just say, “with eyes blinded by tears.”
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i guess its just cus i like to say things indarectly lol but if you like everyting but that one line that makes me happy lol
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i like this but dont fully understand it. is it like those who have had these things found out they arent so great at all?
if it is, i understand now.
some apostrophe's are needed but other than that well written.
interesting poem
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I like the message, the somewhat saddening tone...
I have two very small qualms about this piece... the first is that, in line two theres is a contraction, and should have an apostrophe before the "s" the second is the repetition of the word with in line 7...
other than my tiny gripes, I love this piece - very well written!
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I really like the different emotions you managed to express here. And to have everything accumulate with dreaming, its a real treat.
Gives the poem a very mystic feel, and I really enjoyed it by the end.
My suggestion to improve the poem, would be to do away with the punctuation. I think that this poem has enought flow that it wouldn't need it, and it throws me off a little bit.
However, that is a personal choice, and the poem is still great regardless.
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the punctuatin if for a contest i personoly dont usiouly use it, but i think it fits this peace nicly (thats just me) but thanks for your sugestions and your comment;.
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Interesting write. I had to slow down and read it again. I think it makes some good sort almost whimsical points.
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this is so very, very true.
i really enjoyed this...well done!
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Great advice here. Especially liked lines 2 and 3. An inspiring poem when I read too much dark poems on this site. Thanks for sharing.
Typo though: should be "with" in lines 7 and 10.
Good luck in the contests!
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thanks for the spelling correction, im no good at spelling, i fixed it thaks for the comment
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You sure made a wake up to those who sleep while they are working. My eyes are now both open .
How you took me in thith this poem Great awaking poem I tip my cup of milk to you as I dring more slowly and savor again what you have writen...mac
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Eyes Dusted with Tears
Wow. You are an extremely talented poet. This piece is very inspiring. There truly is so much more to everything than we see, and we take that for granted far too often. Great write. I love this beautiful poem.
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