My mind tells me to walk away
but in my heart I want to stay
My heart with passion races
visualising your warm caress'
as I watch as you undress
Walk away, walk away, do not stay
tradgedy will follow you today
I hear this voice within my head
don't take this woman to your bed
Within my chest a raging fire
fuelled by passion and desire.
my eyes behold such wonderous sight
I am a man I feel delight
Walk away, walk away, do not stay
tradgedy will follow you today
Within my heart desires are strong
Passion steals whats right or wrong
In my heart I love you that I cannot deny
and now the child you carry from the love of you and I
Shall be born and live and then
alas will surely die.
My eyes cannot look away
I take you to my bed
and now I plot and scheme
to have your husband dead
My God, oh! God what have I done?
I stayed and looked I should have run
I implore you God with all my heart
please take my mind and cleanse my heart.
Authors comment
This is about a Bible Character and story from the Bible
2 Samuel 11:2-27 and 2 Samuel 12: 1-18
King Davids love for Bath-she'ba wife of U-ri'ah
A contest entry
- Inspired by Bible stories.... by nightshade10.
625 points, ended December 19, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
How could David have avoided this problem what could he have done ?
Comments
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I know the Story
Lady Mak,I should have known, but didn't realize that the poem referd to David and Bethsheba until the last few verses. Then it hit me. You did a splinded job of rewriting this wonderful Bible story into poetic form. Who says the Bible is not a modern book. That story and others we find in there can apply today as well as they did then. Great write and a wonderful job.
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Thank you for taking the time to stop by and leave your kind comment...
I do appreciate it...I am sorry i didn't get to thank you when you left it...
I have only just seen it just now so apologies and thank you.
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OH, THE IFIDELITY!!!!
Sadly this scenario is as old as creation People will always be people and do wrong things. Even the best people do wrong things once in a while.
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Thankyou for your comment dear Pure Heart
What you say is in line with what the Bible says, we have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God, that's why Jesus gave his perfect human life for us. A ransom in exhange for many, Jesus paid the price and bought back what Adam lost.
Romans 5:21 To what end? That just as sin ruled as king with death, likewise as undeserved kindness might rule as king through righteousness with everlasting life in view through Christ our Lord.
Romans 5:12 That is why, just through one man sin entered into the world and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men because they had all sinned.
Here it shows how when we are born we have inherited death an inheritence from Adam as children may inherit a house from their parents, we inherited death from Adam through no fault of our own.
When Jesus died for us, he gave up his perfect human life as a ransom price in exchange for us, he bought back for us what Adam had given up through the acceptance of Jesus we can inherit everlasting life at Gods appointed time.
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It is interesting how in 2 Samuel 12:13, David admitted to Nathan the prophet that he had "sinned". And in Psalms 51, which the bible tells us was a melody of David written after he had been confronted by Nathan, David expresses his regret deeply. In verse 4, he speaks again of having "sinned", and having done bad,. A clue to how much regret and sorrow he felt over his actions, comes out in verse 17, where he speaks of having a "broken spirit", a "heart broken and crushed". Apparently he was repentent and realized how deeply he had hurt his relationship with his God, not to mention the guilt he bore before his contemporaries.
One of the beauties of this account is that Jehovah did forgive David. That forgiveness was based on David's heartfelt recognition of his sin, and is an example for all of us in present times.
I think you did a good job on this.
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Thank you laurijay
thank you for your fine scriptural comment laurijay, that's right God did forgive David and dealt with the situation himself for if this act of adultery had been dealt wth under the Mosaic law, both David and Bath-she'ba would have been put to death.
In the King James version at Dueteronomy 22:22,..If a man is found lying with a woman married to a husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman and the woman.
God was merciful towards David because of his repentant heart, God only forgives people if they want to be forgiven and act in line with repentant acts. Once more thank you for your comment laurijay kind thoughts.
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A nice poem M'Lady. It makes one think.
Good luck in the competition.
Jim -
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Thank you Jim
Thank you for your kind comment Jim, I've never been called M'Lady before, he! he! smile sounds like royalty, M'Lady eh, only kiddin, thanks Jim
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Well, now knowing that this story is referencing David and Bathsheba, I feel like a little more editing might be neccesary.
You see, David never regretted what he did with Bathsheba. God wasn't happy about it, but it never explicitly says that David felt any guilt about it at all. So if your poem is intended to be a direct retelling of the story, then it's a little factually off.
But, if it's intended to be a telling of a different story, with only an allusion to David and Bathsheba, then it could be perfectly fine that the endings are different.
I would suggest maybe talking about how David had her husband killed in battle, so that he could marry her.
As for that ending stanza, how about changing that last line to "please break my mind and guilt apart?" You'd keep the same feel, and the same rhyming structure.
In terms of learning to forget about rhyme, it's not as difficult as it sounds. In fact, in my opinion, it makes writing poems easier, because then you are free to describe the emotions freely, exactly as you want, without worrying about whether or not the words rhyme. I would suggest that the next time you rewrite this poem, concentrating on the emotions and the images that you want to express. Completely forget about rhyme or structure. If you creatively and figuratively describe the intended emotions and images, it'll create it's own rhythm without you even trying.
Just some suggestions. Sorry this comment is so long! -
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Thank you appreciatively ..
Thank you for taking the time to direct me in the right direction with the different ways of writing poetry as I have no education at all with writing any sort of poetry.
I wrote more so about King David and Bath-she'ba because it high lighted how looking at the female body can arouse passion and thus lead to more serious acts.
My write was written as a warning for us today where as I have also used the example of King David a God fearing man and showing how easy it is to err if we let our gaurd down.
From my understanding of the account of David and Bath-she'ba God showed mercy to David because of Davids truely repentant heart condition. David prayed to God for forgivness as brought out in Psalms 51.
Psalms 51:1-4.. O LOVING and kind God, have mercy. Have pity upon me and take away the awful stain of my trangressions.
Oh' wash me cleanse me from this guilt. Let me be pure again. For I admit this shameful deed, it haunts me day and night.
It is against you and you alone I sinned, and did this terrible thing. You saw it all, and your sentance upon me is just.
I have checked several Bibles(6) and just in front of Psalm 51 it tells you that it was written after Nathan the prophet had informed David of Gods judgement against him because of his adultery with Bath-she'ba.
I would be interested in your opinion on Davids plea to God for forgiveness hope you don't take offence that I brought it to your attention.
Another small referance to your suggestion which poetically was excellent, although the rhyme was far superior it changed the context, to break the mind and guilt apart would separate the mind from the guilt and render an inactive conscience.
Which would change the neccesity for our concience to act as a detterant to commiting displeasing acts against God. Once more I do thank you sincerely for your thoughtful comments and I will try the other helpful and appreciated suggestions. Thank you.
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First off, thanks a lot for entering this into my contest.
While this is a very interesting write, unfortunately I feel like the rhyming takes away from some of the emotion that you're trying to express. I don't like how in the 9th stanza, you rhyme "heart" with "heart" again.
It just seems as if your poem could be much more gripping and powerful if you concentrated on emotion and imagery rather than putting that energy into rhyme.
But thanks again for entering it. Best of luck! -
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Thank you for your sincere comment
Thank you for your sincere and contructive criticism, I have added the name of the Bible character.
I will try to read and learn about poetry how to express myself without trying to ryhme, at present I get an idea that I feel strongly about, and then do my best to put the idea into a rhyme.
I will look into a class on this site as I do love to write about life and feelings I think that your suggestion will help me to improve in expressing my poetry more fluently thank you for this.
What word do you think I could have used at the end two lines without losing the objective of where the problem had developed, within Davids heart and what needed to be cleansed, the heart again. All suggestions most sincerely welcomed. Thank you.
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