Silver birds, silhouettes on blackened sky,
conceal their flocks in ancient oaks
and dwell in nests of bone.
The fear, dwelling within every soul,
creates a dark canopy over the heavens,
brooding and ominous in a starless sky.
From morning until dark victory,
this fear is building an army
in the hearts of every man.
Only until the earth opens up and
scatters the silver birds from their broken trees
to fly aimlessly until the end of time,
Will the day come when the ravens
make their homes in sheltered hollows
and cease their vigilant sleep,
the dark canopy lifts from human hearts,
and the earth, again, is free.
Author notes
*POW*
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended December 11, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Give me a critical thought.
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Now this ...
is an excellent poem.
Would you have any objections to my posting it on my blog?
http://poetsporch.blogspot.com/
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not at all.. thank you for the honor
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Oops...Just read again, and see how "will" fits in with the previous stanza. But, I still feel there is a word or two that needs to be tweaked to make sense of the statement as a whole, and it's a very long passage without a break.
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Thanks for call the feedback, I agree this needs a bit more work to work out the kinks and fix the gaps in proper flow... Your comments really help and I hope to make this better next time. Cheers.
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Excellent imagery in those first stanzas. Since "fear" is mentioned twice early in the poem, I felt that might be the focus and theme. If that's correct, I would have liked to see a reinforcement of it towards the end of the poem as well, to help clarify. (However, I wouldn't suggest actually using the word "fear" more than twice or the repetition would be quite noticeable.)
In addition to the other judges' suggestions, you may want to consider breaking your last stanza into 2 sentences. Using "Will" denotes a question is coming, yet the stanza ends with a statement. A question mark after the 3d line and/or tweaking a couple of words would have made more sense to me.
I didn't feel a deep emotional connection to the poem as a whole, as it seemed to lack anything I could really grab hold of and relate to. I did enjoy the read though, and feel there is some definite potential here.
Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck.
Best wishes,
~J. -
In the first two stanzas you have some excellent ominous, dark imagery that works toward the reader sensing fear. I might suggest losing 'the' from the beginning of the first line, second stanza.
You lose the imagery of fear from the third stanza on when you begin to tell rather than show.
You did, however, manage to sustain a heavy, dark feeling with your word choice.
Good luck,
Jim
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Thanks for the comment. I agree that 'the' shouldn't really carry that much weight, but I can't seem to pull away from the overpowering article use. I hoped to work out the kinks before this (I did a lot of work before I posted this), but practice means perfect. Cheers, thanks for the feedback.
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No grammar mistakes that I found, so kudos.
Hard to comment on the theme since you didn't put it in your author notes. I really should be able to figure it out from your poem, which tells me you need to work on clarity!
Lots of solid imagery, and a good balance of show and tell.
You have room for improvement with the emotional depth of this piece. I would develop the theme of freedom, which has strong emotional connections you could pull on.
Some of the really intriguing images/symbols were the broken trees and the nests of bone. That stuck with me more than the canopy you discussed, especially because the focus of the poem is so often on the birds. -
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Thanks for the reply, I tried to make the poem a bit mysterious, because that's how fear is, but obviously, I need to be a bit more clear
Thanks for letting me enter.
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Hello Poet ~
I want to thank you for joining us this week in the POW contest ~
:)
You forgot to place your Theme in your AN ~
However, I have to agree with your other Reviewer.....as I would have liked to have had some inclination as to what exactly you are/were talking about ~
I can try to guess, but then if I'm wrong, then this review would be worthless ~
I enjoyed this read, as it carrys much Imagery and thought.......but the only problem I have, is that I can not connect all of your thoughts to make a clear picture ~
Let's see how this affects your score...
...good luck!
Bear ~
Title 9.5
Flow 9.45
Depth 9.2
Theme 9
Feelings 8.5
Grammar 9.2
Presentation 10
Uncommonness 8
Sit & Ponder Affect 8
Ability to follow Rules 9
Bears Score: 89.85
I do wish I had more to go on to score this properly ~
:(
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Thanks for the comment, my focus was to make the poem feel a little mysterious; a little ominous. But now that you've judged, I see that I can be a bit more clear in my presentation, so thanks for the feedback. I'll keep entering these contests because I get a lot of critical feedback and advice- and that's what I need. This poem may not have done it, but practice makes perfect.
Thanks for letting me enter, Cheers.
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Very interesting.....
I do believe I follow you...but just in case...
give us a theme? Thanks......Write on..and best wishes
in the contest!
*PEACE*
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