Calm amazonite seas
with iridescent glimmer,
bedazzling the thoughts
with pearlized shimmer.
Gone are the dreams,
the ideas and notions.
Taken over by bleak,
shattering emotions.
Now cloaked in darkness
like a tune lost in time,
intent on unwrapping
the recess of your mind.
Questions and doubt
scream at you abound.
The darkest of mysteries,
answers must be found.
Like a mystical Labyrinth
that enchant and enthrall,
you will work on the puzzle
until you finally solve it all.
Author notes
POW
Theme/topic:- solving the mysteries in life.
This is personal to me at the moment. I am trying to get to the bottom of something on going, it plays heavily with all your emotions.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended December 11, 2007, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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I love this background. It is truly amazing.
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Hi Pink,
It's so good to have you join us again in the POW!
Like Bear, I’m glad I know a little of what’s behind this poem, although I think you bring the emotions across just fine without that knowledge or even the AN. Most of the things I noticed EnAttendant has already pointed out. I think fixing those few grammar problems will improve the flow a tad bit in some places, but may create additional rhythm issues in others, so you may need to tweak a word here and there if you decide to take any of the suggestions. The first time I read through this there were a couple of lines that immediately stuck out to me as being a little off flow-wise, but on second reading it went much better. I think the last lines/line of the last two stanzas were most noticeable. Maybe "till you finally solve it all" or "until you solve it all" for that last line, though I suspect there are even better options if you play with it some. Another option for “Questions and doubt/scream at you abound“ would be “Questions and doubts/scream and abound“. You may want to check with ~E on that, but I think it’d be correct.
The imagery, especially in your first stanza, was wonderful. I also loved the "unwrapping the recess(es) of your mind" line. To me, it captures the way things you've always believed can begin to unravel. You’ve got a fine entry here, and I wish you good luck in the contest. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with us, and I hope things are resolved quickly - and happily - for you soon.
Best wishes,
~J. -
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"Questions and doubt/scream and abound" would definitely work as far as grammatical sensibilities.
For some reason "Questions and doubts/scream and abound" sounds a bit more 'right' to me, but maybe just because it's more symmetric?
Anyway, either works!
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Knowing the problems
you're having made
this a very intense read..
I can see your heart , your worries
and woes, in every line.
I am moved!
~Pastel
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You have some problems with meter here and there but most notably in the last line.
An interesting topic. I question wether any tf the true mysteries of life will ever be solved. -
One thing I'd like to note right away: the way you're using recess, it should be recesses. For some reason that word is only used in the plural when you use it to mean a secluded, inner area.
Also, it should be “enchants and enthralls” because labyrinth is a singular. Also “scream at you abound” has 2 verbs in one line and makes no sense. Maybe “screams at you abound”.
The flow was pretty good, a couple awkward line breaks.
The emotions were pretty good here. I do think you could have strengthened them some.
You had some great images/metaphors etc. I particularly enjoyed “like a tune lost in time”. That is so beautiful and romantic a line! -
Hey there my Friend ~
It is so nice to see you around again :)
Wow....let's start with your thoughts here ~
I feel as though you captured a moment in time, where your thoughts are flooded with so many things, and a Judge can only hope to know the circumstances which surround this Theme....
....and I'm glad I do, as it helps to analyze this entry much better ~
When penning something so personal, it is not always easy to give the Poet/Author, a satisfactory score......but.....since you gave us some indication in your AN what you were talking about, that helps tremendously ~
...and since I have talked to you briefly about what is going on, then I only hope that the other Judges will take their time reading this, and I hope they can grasp everything you did NOT say, as well ~
I think you did a fine job.....and thank you for sharing at this time ~
If you ever need to talk, I'm here ~
:)
It really is nice to see you again Pink,
...good luck in the POW contest,
Bear ~
Title 9.85
Flow 9.7
Depth 10
Theme 10
Feelings 10
Grammar 9.8
Presentation 10
Uncommonness 10
Sit & Ponder Affect 10
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 99.35
Hang in there!
:)
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Best wishes in the contest!
Write on!
*PEACE*
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This is really great I question amazonite though Should it be capitalized or spelled Amazonian sea.
And also the word pearlized is that a word not sure maybe it is.
Other than that it has great flow, ryhming seems great.
I like how it lays with the punctuation well I think you missed one comma though for them to be all the same altering in the stanza's after it is missing after Question and doubt.
Great poem Dear Overall Good Luck With it
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Calm amazonite seas
with iridescent glimmer,
bedazzling the thoughts
with pearlized shimmer.
beautiful imagery in this stanza! I love it! yes riddles of life can be puzzles to the soul...best to you in the contest ~blessings always~
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I love this.Great job penning..Imagery superb.
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