Something and somewhere,
some shade of night,
this velvety blackness,
I’m wishing it might
be a dream
be a dream.
Lustless, it lies to me,
in love with naïveté,
this soft shade of ebony
I’m hoping it might
be a dream
be a dream
And somewhere a girl closes eyes so tightly
and somewhere the skies are alive with the lightning
and somewhere a singer decides now to fight or sing
in this world that just might,
might be a dream.
Somehow so beautiful
it still is not right,
darker than Hades,
I’m saying it might
be a dream
be a dream.
Rich as dark chocolate,
tastes sugar sweet, and yet
I know what it begets
and willing it might
be a dream
be a dream
And somewhere a boy closes eyes so tightly
and somewhere the skies are alive with the lightning
and somewhere a lover decides now to fight or sing
in this world that just might,
might be a dream.
Take your black, take it back,
it feels too much like chains.
I say go, you say no,
and we do it all again, again.
And I know now,
I know now,
it’s not a dream…
Author notes
Right. So I've never attempted writing lyrics before, but I actually need them for a story I'm writing (go figure lol). So...this is my first attempt ever at writing lyrics, and I'm hoping that all of your brilliant poets and lyricists out there can help me make this great. So please please please be critical!
Speak your mind.
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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asolutely love the chorus! nice work :
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Thanks!
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I love the rhyme between "lightening" and "fight or sing." Though I agree with allway aaron that perhaps "darker than Hades" is a bit repetitive. Other than that, I really like this. I want to hear the tune!
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Thanks! If I ever figure out how to write up music, I might try to post that as well...though really words are more my speciality anyways... *laughs*
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I really really like this poem. I have no criticism (sorry if that doesn't help you any), I've never been good at that. All I can say is that after reading this I feel like writing a story and attempting to write a poem of my own.
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I write lyrics a good bit or turn by poems into lyrics; so, let me tell you, half of writing lyrics is convincing. People, me especially, are looking a bit harder at lyrics than poetry, because it's not as free as poetry is. This is an ugly problem, but it's there, none the less. So, one the things you want to stray from is retelling unless it is in the context of chorus repetition. With this in mind, I would maybe change "and somewhere a singer decides now to fight or sing", it works, but it brings a pause. This is especially not complementary in your case: having lyrics in a book. But that's being nit picky, strictly critical, it's not that important. I wouldn't keep "darker than Hades," because it sounds redundant. Also, in lyrics you can add words that you wouldn't normally add: "I'm hoping it (just) might
be a dream
be a dream"
I like that, "be a dream, be a dream."
I like it all, really. I'd like to hear it in a song. -
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There's a reason I've never written lyrics before, and I think it has something to do with my inability to read or write music! *laughs* Good suggestions and good overall philosphy on lyrics. I will keep both in mind as I edit. The funny thing is the girl who writes these lyrics in my long prose piece doesn't particularly like the line "darker than Hades" either!
Thanks once again for your comments - all of them! 
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I'm not qualified to comment bout lyrics, have written two songs lately and that's all - and haven't had much comment back on them. I think your song works as it is,
and I like it. Especially /take your black, take it back, it feels toomuch like chains/ -
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Thank you. I'm happy to get any comments - even people who feel they are "unqualified" have opinions. Take care!
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lovely
Lovely flow that pictures perfectly the theme title, lyrics are truly creative, has song feeling,just magical...the repetition is very fitting..I would keep the short stanza structure in 3rd and 6 th stanza or verse ..
3rd verse..keep two 1st lines with repetition of dream line as a verse
and its last line as a seperate verse.
same for the 6th verse..
genial and beautiful poetry...
for a first attempt its quite masterful your a natural...
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I k now little about lyrics, but your content and flow seem good. If you can paint a picture with words, then the world will look at it. I think it is fine.
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I'm not good with criticism. This was well done, I thought. very lyrical and fun to sing. A good hook and flow. I enjoyed it...
Keep up the songs!
-Creatress
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