Through foggy lens of time my slow heart beats,
Unkempt in reason now to backwards race.
Face shadows I can see,
Half-memories to trace,
All which once was closely bound to me.
Roped ships once comforted my harbour wall;
They cling on, breaking rank and bow.
Now foaming into life,
Like new born foals allow,
To stumble on their jellied legs to fall.
Take heart, the wind is turning year to year,
Though hulls chafe tether still beyond these walls,
All remembered now
I tense in silent call,
Taut ropes on black-imagined seas of fear.
Through the floors of time my heartbeat leaks,
Eyes fixed up on mist-emotioned moor.
Ashore, the dead walk free,
Hold open mem'ries door
For all that still is closely bound to me.
Author notes
The point at which a painful memory is accessible can be like the divide between sea and land. The sea, turbulent and inaccessible; the land a place of recovered sight of memories and almost lost.
This is a very personal poem for me, I hope you enjoy it.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended December 11, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
-
Enjoyable
I enjoyed reading this piece, I also felt the personal nature of it. I loved the use of metaphor. Great job poet!
-
Gosh, so much has been covered already, I'm not sure there's a lot I can add. I agree with all points the other judges have covered, especially on the theme being hard to place without your AN. You have some terrific metaphors here, yet I wonder if completely sticking to your central metaphor and working around it might not have helped give this some of the clarity it lacks. It's not necessary to spell everything out, but a few more clues would have been nice here. You have several really nice imagery lines that I loved.
As Jim noted, this is definitely worth doing some polishing up on. Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck.
Best wishes,
~J. -
Other critiques cover the major points: grammar, repitition of some words, problems with meter.
My biggest problem here was structure. The break of the third and fourth line in each stanza was forced and left me wondering, "Why?" You have four perfectly fine quatrains without those breaks.
I also have a problem with the rhymes of the first and final lines in the first and final stanzas. I suppose you were going for off rhymes but I feel these are weak. They are especially off-setting because of all the remainder of pure rhymes in the piece.
Finally, second line of the last stanza 'on to' should be 'onto'.
Worth a rewrite. A lot of potential here.
Jim -
-
Thanks for your thought. I knew this would come up...the break is to emphasise the broken (or incomplete) memory. For example, in stanza 1, face-shadows and half-memories emphasise the point. Half in light, half in dark. But I guess maybe it's a bit subtle...
I think you mean 'up on' in the final stanza should be 'upon'. Unfortunately this has the wrong meaning. My eyes are literally up, upon the moor itself (which is high ground - therefore 'up', as opposed to upon, which implies 'on top of'.
Interetsing point about the weak lines/rhymes, I'll revisit with that in mind. Bear in mind though that the last line has a very differnet meaning to the title/fist stanza line.
It is a statement, in which the word 'for' has the meaning' because'. The shift has occured during the poem.
Thanks for takiing the time to critique, it's great to have the eyes probing my head!
-
-
Couple grammar mistakes, do a quick reread for grammar. Also, capping every line is usually a no-no in PO' contests.
The title was effective, if on the longish side. I thought it was pretty, but you just pulled a line from your piece.
As far as flow, it was pretty good, just 1 or 2 lines that broke the rhythm for me.
I would have liked a bit more emotional depth; you really draw it out in some lines, like “I tense in silent call”, that image of tension is great. Throw in a few more lines like that to give insight to your emotions.
Your theme was interesting, original, and fairly well-evinced. I would encourage more clarity, as I did have to read your author's notes in order to work out what your theme was.
Great use of poetic devices! You have some stunning images, and some great metaphors, but I do agree with bear that a bit more clarity is needed! -
-
Thanks Enattendant, very useful critique, although I can't spot the grammatical errors! I'm such a stickler normally!
Sorry about the capping, that's a boo boo.
The title pulled from the poem is a nod to Dylan Thomas, who did this a lot. However it also I hope emphasises the double menaing of the line. The two maanings are in evidence in the poem. I won't labour this but the final line has a second meaning in which 'For' means 'Because'. I hope you can see that, it perhaps is a little subtle.
Anyway, thanks very much indeed!
-
-
Just a quick note as far as grammar:
2 things I noticed: no punctuation at the end of the lines. You need some; poetry should be punctuated just like prose in that you need commas, periods, colons, semicolons, and all manner of delightful little markings to help the reader understand what you're saying.
So here's an example with one stanza:
Roped ships once comforted my harbour wall.
They cling on, breaking rank and bow,
now foaming into life
like new born foals allow
to stumble on their jellied legs to fall.
Note the addition of punctuation at the end of 3 of those 5 lines.
And that same stanza contains the second grammar error I noticed. It should be "like new born foals allowED". Because they are the ones who are allowed, they are not allowing. They are not the subjects of the action, but rather the objects (the ones upon whom the verb is being performed). Therefore you need the past participle.
Hope this helps!! Message me with any questions
-
-
Hello again,
Thanks for clarifying.
Yes perhaps it could be punctuated that way, however there is a danger to it. For example, "bow/now foaming into life" is intended as a continued thought, in which the bow of the roped ships are foaming at the wall in the sea. I try to emphasise this with the unusual rhyming pattern in lines 2 and 3 of each stanza(bow, now - race, face - walls, all - moor, ashore). I guess I hoped the whole thing was really a single thought and therefore didn't need punctuating at each line (a la Haiku), but I take the point, it would be clearer with punctuation for sure. Thanks for that.
The allow/allowed comment I can also understand, but I haven't been clear with the sense. What you describe is a rational assumption but not the sense intended. I used the word in the sense of 'to assign, or allocate' rather than 'to permit'. In this case the stumbling is assigned by the foals because ships don't have legs.
Perhaps it's too fiddly overall, perhaps one for the back of the scrapbook. I guess I'll revisit it at some point (probably when the dead walk free!)
Thanks again! -
-
I see your point about the punctuation being minimalistic for a purpose. I can't say I'm a big fan of it, simply because it really isn't good grammar in the general sense, but I see that it's more of an aesthetic that you're going for. And with that perspective, I'd say you've definitely achieved a sort of dreamy feel which I think is what you were intending, as being one fluid thought.
Hmmmm... I can't find that definition for the word 'allow' in any of my usual dictionaries. That's so sad; they've never failed me before. Anyway, if you're using allow to mean 'assign, or allocate' then shouldn't it have an object? Assign and allocate are transitive, but as I've said, the definition you're using for 'allow' isn't in my dictionary so I don't know if it's transitive or intransitive. It's something to consider though! I'm a good 96.3% sure that it needs a direct object, but you can explore that possibility in the dictionary you're using, which is much better equipped to make such recommendations!
Thanks for clarifying! It's much appreciated
-
-
Dictionary upgrade!
You could try www.allwords.com
you'll find that definition as no.2 of 3 or 4 discrete meanings for 'allow'.
(+Thesaurus: recognize, support, approve of, admit, acquiesce in)
http://www.allwords.com/query.php?SearchType=0&Keyword=allow&Language=ENG
Glad to be of service!
-
-
-
-
-
-
Hi Poet!
*My slow heart beats*??....or....my heart beats slowly*?
Ya know....I am not familiar with your style....nor your voice....yet I can tell there is a bunch of talent which leaks from your Quill ~
I can not say I agree with every part of punctuation or grammatical Flow, but you kept me reading....and that's what counts ~
I think you used quite a few Metaphores, which might have hampered your Theme a tad bit.....however, after the second and third read, I was more in touch with what you are trying to say ~
*Roped....ropes*....try not to repeat such uncommon words ~
I think there is a great message here....but I still feel as though your metaphoric library was raided, and thus creating a Theme which would have been hard to place, had it not been for your AN ~
Thank you so much for entering the POW contest this week :)
I do hope to see your talents again!
Also, you forgot to place POW in your AN as well ~
Good luck, and no editing now until all Judges have reviewed and scored your work ~
Bear ~
Title 8.75
Flow 9.15
Depth 8.8
Theme 9.2
Feelings 9.1
Grammar 9.1
Presentation 9.85
Uncommonness 10
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.35
Ability to follow Rules 9
Bears Score: 92.3
Not a bad start!
:)
-
-
Thanks for such an in-depth analysis. It's "slow heart beats", very deliberately, and precisely. Not sure where the grammatical errors occur but I'm interested to hear that's how it feels.
The central metaphor, ie the one in my head, is the memories (roped ships) against the harbour. The pull of the sea (the darkness of lost memory) and the land (safety...the dead walk free ie, my recovered memories).
But I guess it;s easier to spot when it's in your head!
Thanks for your comments. Very useful indeed.
-
-
This is an amazing poem.
-
A sad write, but powerful. Good luck to you
-
Best wishes in the contest!
Write on!
*PEACE*
-
nice.. Good luck!
-
Sad
This poem is very sad. It is very profecionaly written and well put together -
Great!
I liked your symbolism. Best wishes to you. -
Nice imagery, I like it's balance, hope you place well.
Adding your comment:
1 - 19 of 19
