submerged deep inside
society's rules I abide
but to whom am I
just a star in the vast night sky
Dive into my soul
Trying to find my life role
drowning in the pressure of the world
into a dark abyss myself I hurled
deep inside myself
hidden upon the highest shelf
i find something thats been hidden for sometime
what is it ? My gift of rhyme
come back for the dark abyss I had had been hurled
reenter our great ,big world
Author notes
I just started writing and I think it turned out well
notsotorturedartist
A contest entry
- Picture Inspired by WarmHeartedGeisha.
300 points, ended December 29, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Best Prewrite by Heavenly Angel.
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1050 points, ended January 21, 2008, 29 entries
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525 points, ended March 23, 2008, 176 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
constructive critizism welcome
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I must keep commenting short due to the amount of entries. Thank you for participating. Good luck. Your score is: Title:7 Diction:6 Syntax:6 Wowness factor:7 Total:26. Shancy.
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There is barely no grammer in this poem at all... I have a problem with some of the choices that you chose for your rhyming words.... like how sometime and ryhme... they don't really rhyme as well as your other choices and how you use world and hurled twice for your ending rhyme words.
Title- 4
Diction- 5
Syntax- 4
Wowness factor- 4
Total- 17
Not your best one,
~lumin -
I hope you find this helpful and constructive: :
The thought doesn’t flow…almost at all.
Here’s what I get: Society’s rules are submerged deep inside. You could also be saying that you’re drowning in society’s rules. (Who and what is being submerged and submerged in isn’t entirely clear.) You abide by them but they’re not who you are. You’re a star in the vast night sky. You could be asking the reader who are you a star in the night sky for – it’s unclear. You invite the reader to dive into your soul (with you?) and try to find your life force (verb tense should be changed). I’m not sure who’s drowning in the pressure of the world; it could be you. The world is a dark abyss that your hurled yourself into. Deep inside yourself, you find something that’s been hidden there a while. 
It might be your gift of rhyme. You come back from within yourself to re-enter the world. I’m not sure if you brought what you’ve found inside yourself with you, though.
You need to work on your meter. You’re rhyme’s not bad, but where you’ve got the lines split takes away all the good the rhyme does because it breaks up the meter.
The last four lines aren’t as clear as they could be as to what’s happening. You also need to take out one of the “had’s” in the second to last line.
If you could figure out a way to make this say what you want it to for a total stranger, it’d be an excellent poem. Good luck.
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Capitalize your 'I's!!!!!!!!!! It seems no one does that any more... Well, I must say this is an awesome poem!Th images are superb in every way! Great job here!
Vivien
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Well done
Thank you so much for sharing and for being part of this contest! -
You write far beyond your age.
Easy you do writ well, very giid in fact. Do some easy things short poems- short stories. Let your wreaders- who ever views your work read simple things then give then your heavier writting. Get mag. look at the pictures and write a story. Look out at the country side and write something. Let other see whar you are working with . Ask them what they see then show the wgat you had in mind. I believe you will be great one day for now ----you are somebody's child.
Your youth once gone is hard to find Be young in your writing the advance in you writing as you grow. Simple ditties are always good for the heart and soul.
Good books gather many, humor catches many souls and let's them laugh. Humor is often sough after for a change of pace. take care live well keep riring be happyremember one thing always your work is your work, stay true and enjoy ir if people don't like it -give them a pen and papper and point telling them (I write in peace ) my peace, not yours Good luck sport! my friend0 mac
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Not bad, not bad at all. I think u've captured the image perfectly in ur words. Great Job!!
~Lorissa~
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