C-o-n-f-e-s-s-i-o-n-s

I just killed a spider
crawling across dried flowers
so that it wouldn't give me
nightmares. I damaged
the flowers, a wedding
bouquet

~

My links have been tested
my daisy chain
with occaisional gold and silver
a naive glory around my neck
so let me come clean
of the dirt where I worked
when it collapsed,
let me shed
the moments I never let stay


I confess that
I begged
for the whites of your eyes,
I begged for response
I let myself worsen
for your attention, something
to make you care.
This was stupid. I only found out
how heartless perhaps you
really are, swathed in your
own lives. I was naive
not to know
that you didn't want me to speak.
I expected you
not to judge so harshly
not to speak to others of me
so harshly
not to speak to me of me
so harshly
I expected you
to love me anyway
even if i was annoying.


And I was annoying.
Excited, an excitement you refused to see.
But annoying.


And I was too judgmental
when I didn't want to blame you
and looked for a "manipulator"
someone to blame
only to find one.
I've preyed on him
as then you preyed on me.
He isn't an angel,
but he's just the messenger.


I confess that I gave up hope
Falling was easier,
it required no energy
and i was sleep deprived
i had no strength to battle
the chemicals in my brain
but the fall and the landing
mangled me more,
I confess that giving up hope
undermined my values
wiped my hard drive
so i'd have to rebuild much of me.
I will rise to the challenge.

I will rise to pluck
stars
to arrange in my eyes again


I have finally, finally
had my fill of sinking.
But I confess that
For a long time, I did not.



And maybe I was among the first to
ignore.
But I promise, if you'd told me,
I would have listened.
None of you truly understand
that you were allowed
to speak to me.
I was shut off
to you.
I'm sorry if I ever made you feel
as lonely as you made me feel last spring.
I'm so sorry.
I will hasten now
to fix myself
to find the truth about my mistake
to be brave
so maybe I can show somebody how
to turn around


So here lie my confessions:
I begged for attention
And I gave up hope.
I let myself sink.
I ignored,
And I judged.
I was naive
and I was stupid.

And I have been angry.
I'm still not fixed.


But:
I will give myself credit where I'm due.

I loved you so much
that this happened to me because I lost you.
I aspired
to be the best friend that I could be.
These are my failures
  To you and to me.

I aspire
*to fix*
my own mistakes
*to learn.*

I confess that I haven't quite forgiven yet.
I will take the steps
to forgive myself.
And I will forgive you
someday.
If you can understand enough
that your presence no longer hurts
then that will be the day.
If that day never comes,
forgive you I will still,
but it will take much longer,
And we'll never be friends again.
It's not my problem
anymore

honestly, what i want
is not reconciliation.
i want out of this disaster area,
i want away from you.
God won't give me that.
So I'll take your word for hope,
and I'll make what may be
my final moves.

I am sorry.
Now I am going to find my ways
      to be happy.
It is not impossible. With
A blown glass dome in my hand
Filled with the truths
I will start from here

From where the sun now rapidly sinks
I WILL DESCEND NO MORE.
You never knew that I was a fighter.
But now I'm back.