“Oh!”, the judge said with a start when he walked into the Office Max steeple,
the alcove with particle board pews and plastic flowers hidden away in town hall for precisely this occasion.
Then, upon noticing the hair on Bill’s pretty face, he breathed a sigh of relief,
“I thought you were four women.”
......................
I certainly wouldn’t be contracting my sex to someone with whom I couldn’t even fornicate.
Of course not.
......................
The judge reminded, in all his middle-aged robed dignity,
“this is not an institution to take lightly.”
......................
Don’t people always know what I shouldn’t take lightly?
I just nod and say “I do,” wondering how quickly we can get this done and swallow some hot saki,
and I refrain from the burp that asked where he thought I might take it if not “lightly”?
Perhaps I’d giggle and spit and eat my left femur instead.
......................
I’ve thought of that, you know.
I’m not a vegetarian
but of the creatures I’ve met that I’ve respected the most, many have a lot more hair than me.
I feel a little guilty when I eat them.
I console myself, though,
that when it comes down to it,
in the right situation,
I’d probably eat human, too.
For instance, if I was really hungry and he died or something.
I probably wouldn’t kill any human myself.
But then again, I don’t go killing any cows myself, either.
But what if he was already dead?
Like, what if some crazy axe man attacked us
and I managed to escape
but he didn’t,
and then I was trapped in some cabin
in the woods
with him all dead and rotting
and me starving to death all winter?
Yeah, I think I’d eat him in that case.
So it is really a lot like eating cow.
Except when I eat cow I’m actually paying someone to breed it and kill it.
......................
But then again, if I were alone and trapped in that cabin,
I might even have to eat my own leg.
How weird would that be?
Cut off my leg, gnaw it down, chisel my own femur into a toothpick.
I certainly wouldn’t take that lightly!
......................
I’ve thought about killing.
There is something romantic in the idea of being a killer.
I think I could pretty easily cross my eyes and start thinking about other people in the same way I think of cows.
I’m pretty convinced that,
despite all of our egos and Einsteins,
we really don’t think that much differently than cows.
We just live our lives,
chew our cud,
stampede when someone moos too loudly.
I would bet that our sense of self
isn’t really that different than a cow’s sense of self;
despite all our religions that keep trying to tell us differently.
People are good at seeing other people as not human,
as not up to real humanity.
“It doesn’t matter if their babies see people lying in the street,
limbs torn off,
skulls cracked open.
It doesn’t matter, because it is necessary, somehow.
You know, for their own good.
It is necessary to blow up a few of them.
They can’t choose for themselves because
they can’t think as clearly as we do.”
Just like cows.
“But don’t let my human kid see a naked nipple!”
......................
Yeah,
I’ve thought of being a killer.
But the truth is
there is no one I really want to kill.
At best there are a few people I’m indifferent about killing.
So, the ambition simply isn’t there.
......................
“This is not an institution to take lightly”.
Thank you Your Honor,
oh wise sage who has learned how to be truly human,
I won’t.
I’ll take it as heavy as lead, thank you.
Right,
I was pledging fidelity.
The judge made that clear.
He made no mention of not making a meal of my poor spouse.
He clarified,
when there was no ring to be offered,
he clarified that
we were contracting our fidelity.
Ah, right, so that is what I should not be taking lightly.
God knows I have a hard time with that;
a fact written all over my gangly legs,
open wide to air out the funk.
So, I’m contracting my sex, exclusively.
I think I could make a lot more on the egg
if I broke it up into convenient little condom-sized packages
and sold them with little disposable spoons.
I could even offer a “light” version, with no carbs.
Author notes
Just another prewrite.
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Ha ha ha!! What a delightful story teller thou art. I believe cannibals referred to the Humans they cooked as 'long-pig'. Apparently we taste a lot like pork when roasted over an open pit.
And I so have to agree with you here; I would bet that our sense of self isn’t really that different than a cow’s sense of self; despite all our religions that keep trying to tell us differently.
well done!
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And I thought everything unusual tasted like chicken.
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This is possibly the best thing i've ever read on this site. You have such a talent in writing. Not to mention the twisted, sadistic outlook written so innocently. I love it. It's intriguing to say the least.
"Right,
I was pledging fidelity.
The judge made that clear.
He made no mention of not making a meal of my poor spouse"
That has to be my favorite part. Truthfully, it encompasses the piece.
When it comes to a suggestion on taking a look back on something, i'm sorry but this is penned just perfectly. No change. You can't improve upon perfection.
Great write. <33
~IvoRy
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Hey! I was over here reading and such and it says bout kids and tits which was a big todo round here which I mostly missed bout old ariosto and such and him having pictures of them and such what made some people mad--
and also acourse I was reading and it said about the Judge and Lute memebered the time or two he was hauled off to the court and how was he just grinnin away in side bout being in the face of all that imposingness tho acourse on the outside he was all seriousness and sorrowful appearin so's the judge person would see he wasn't a desperate criminal type--
yeh yeh I know I alredy read this but I just wanted to read it some more and I got to thinkin so I writ some stuff down.
Hey! this here background one of them ink blot thingys?
If it is I should probably have my mind rinsed out with some soap or somethin. Mebbe I am impressionable,
or just nuts. -
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Ah, so your sayings you see tits and things in my background? Soap may not be good 'nuff. Thought about bleach?
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This is funny - like all the things going through your head when... ever something courageous happens - validate it, give it a name - what else are you willing to learn without going through it umpteen times?
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Brilliant
I love this work because it reminds me of a good friend whose thinking followed similar parallels. You definately have a new fan.
Brill and interesting read.
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hah! neither one of u ladies would eat dat lute iffen he was dead and rotting in dat cabin. He too lovable even being an ex lute. also, he all bony.
Me not think me coould eat dead ladies, I have a hard time with fishy stuff.
Okies. this very eatifying
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You are telling me you are the non-fat version, then?
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You are telling me you are the non-fat version?
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Oh but no
not just another prewrite ..
It is one of those things that makes you go "shit, I'd really like to tell Birchy that I too have thought of the romance of killing but if I do that what if she comes back and says "I WAS JUST FUCKING AROUND YOU PSYCHOPATH" and do I really or is it just cause Birchy doe such a good job making me want to think I do? It is all very confusing what can go on when you are airing out the funk between one's legs. I think.
I did indeed feel very much like a cow when my children were latched tight to my milk-making body and how very strange and beautiful it all was
except then i remember cows don't drink milk. Duh.
I could not eat my own leg or really I'm not sure I could eat the leg of someone else however I reserve the right to change my mind in the event I am ever stuck in a cabin with Bill after he's been axed to death while you and I hid in under the bed in the upstairs locked bedroom we were told NEVER TO ENTER - you were really there weren't you? And not downstairs axing Bill? Cause really, I don't want to have to be a witness or anything when the judge calls ..
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I really was just fucking around, you psychopath.
Maybe. -
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SEE SEE
I'm calling the fucking Judge.
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I love this one...
There are all these little tidbits in it, all the little 'necessary' things, and I still marvel at the cows...
and how much this really says without 'saying' it..
It is so good to see them back.. truly...
Your humor/sarcasm is a breath of fresh air...
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Do you think bill would taste better with peanut sauce or maybe with some wasabi and soy sauce.
As long as it is the wasabi that we had the one day we got sushi recently, just imagine, you could say he brought you to tears and blew the top off your head.
hehe
I'm glad you reposted this.
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To death do us become a part of dinner. Why wait for the axe murderer; eat the judge and do us all a favor. Isn't Fidelity the name of a bank and didn't they give out sub-prime loans as well? My emotional response is not to take this poem lightly, but certainly the worldly event that occasioned it needs to be lit up (to let the funk out).
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