Impulse aspiring to wallow in
pearlized potion of musk.
The unfurled magenta velvet
enticingly releasing its indelible trail.
Butterfly breezes caress soft dawn
with reverential dipping into colors.
Silently reading the Braille of skin;
drifting away with soft sibilance.
Shimmering essence of liquid orb
peering from evergreen tallness.
Pleading for placid depths,
to be an invaded fluidic flesh.
ardent flush of peach ether
wakening incandescent thoughts.
Devouring in frenzy.
Carnal
hungry
impetuous
drinking deep,
of an elemental emotion elixir.
Author notes
this was an amazingly tough write for me... a real brain buster... since i'm not an abstract poet...or one who uses metaphor alot... i welcome any advice i can get!..peace all... love desi
A contest entry
- GET NOTICED!!!! by Nighttime angel.
625 points, ended January 13, 2008, 88 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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I like this poem so much. I unfortunately am not very good with abstract. your use of metaphors along with the abstract to me is amazing. I hope to someday be able to write as good as you did with this poem. great job.
good luck in the contest
kat
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holy hell.... you really impressed me this round!! I completely disagree with the others... leave as it is... the breaks in the lines are perfectly in place... it gives this piece more character.
brillant.
Mel
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Abstraction and metaphor...I think it's a difficult combination to work with, and I empathize with your difficulty writing it, so I'm glad to see you kept going to complete the challenge.
I do agree with Ktulu that bringing some of the stanzas together would benefit the flow and especially the general musicality of the poem. Many of your couplets seem fragmented and a tad bit choppy to me. Considering the alliteration you've used that's a shame, because the words float together so well.
Your metaphors weren't particularly strong IMO, but a couple did stand out nicely:
"the Braille of skin"
also your ending line, which I felt gave me the focus of the poem I'd been looking for. I do love your title btw, just wish it hadn't been borrowed quite so directly from the write.
I loved the spacing and format of "Carnal, hungry, impetuous”. My suggestion would be to separate “Devouring in frenzy” from the previous line, then something like:
“Devouring in frenzy -
Carnal.
Hungry.
Impetuous.”
(And keeping the inverted lines as you did) I had the idea of something being very intense and immediate, and (if it’s what you intended) it might bring out more of that feeling. You could even use italics to further emphasize. Quite a different opinion than others you’ve been given, I know.
A couple of other things you may want to keep in mind...using so many words ending with “ing” can take a lot of power from a poem. You could keep it more “in the moment” by using “aspires” instead of “aspiring”, “releases” instead of “releasing” etc. And finally...a few more concrete images without a lot of adjectives might give this more power and impact as well.
Like Bear, I think you’ll do well this round. This is a good example of abstract writing as I think of it, though my ideas may be quite different than most. That being said, please keep in mind these are just my opinions...for whatever they’re worth.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J. -
Wow ~
The thing I like most about this entry.....is that you were not afraid to dig deeper and deeper in each stanza ~
Some Poets would stray from such a task.....but your Quill just kept right on spilling that Ink and didn't look back ~
Was it a Brilliant write?......no.......but......it did have Impact ~
I think it was lacking in POWER as well.....but when a Poet uses such a diverse amount of *thought*, the POWER is not in the lines, but in the Theme and Focus ~
I did NOT like the Format at all......I think it actually took away from your piece, and drove me crazy the first time reading through it ~
:)
Nonetheless......I can not find too much else about this entry which I want to tear apart....hehe ~
I think you are going to do well this Round Hun.........but please be advised......Abstract is something you should always keep on your shelf to pen more of......as it allows a Poet to be more..*in touch* with their bad habits of writing ~
Trust me on that ~
God luck!
Bear ~
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"Silently reading the Braille of skin" is a fine image, daughter-of-mine. I like what you are doing and I can see what you are trying to achieve.
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I loved this and I could totally see love in it. Your choice of words was spot on and it worked so well. I loved the end as it was extremely powerful. For someone who hasn't done a lot of abstract you did soooo well with this one. It is a keeper as Brother K so clearly said.
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Desi,
I love your title....however, I believe you should capitalize it.
On to the hard part....in general, you have a keeper here. I thoroughly enjoyed this write, although I disagree with the chosen form.
My opinion would be to bring together a few of these stanzas maybe 4, 4 line stanzas and 1, 2 liner at the end. In my opinion that would save you from all the periods and would help flow better.
As for the last 2 lines.
I would seperate it....like so
Carnal, hungry and impetuous;
devouring in frenzy. (use this with a previous stanza)
Drinking deep.....
of an elemental emotion elixir.
There you have my honest opinion....you can shoot me now..lol Good luck in the challenge
~Brother K~
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You crazy man...why would i of all peeps want to shoot you for being honest.... i'll get Mistress E to do it
.... hehehehe 
to you... the bubbleheaded redhead
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"Elemental emotion elixir." This is Fabtastic!!!
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this is great , your gonna give me a run for my money, (looking around, pulls out paper and pen and starts to edit her poem), the only thing I woul change is in the fist line from impulse to impulsive.
Great write
~Dark
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Very nice
I had to get the dictionary a few times! Great piece and I believe you have satisfied the requirements of the contest. very nice, The Shaker
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Some great alliteration in these lines. Just need its, no apostrophe there. To tell you the truth I am not an abstract poet either, but do this that you wrote something quite abstract here. Not sure about the periods at the end of the first line of these couplets - think it stops the flow. Would semi-colons or just commas work instad, then not use capitals at the beginning of the next lines all the way through. Glad it is you doing the assignment and not me. Think I would have a hard time writing this one too. Good Luck. Think you have done a great job on this write.
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This is beautiful...the flow is so smooth and graceful, very soothing to read. Great metaphor and alleration thoughout the whole piece.
A really wonderfully done piece of art, my friend.
Thank you for the pleasure.
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