As the final star
burnt to extinction
and the dry taste of dust
made my stained teeth edgy
I saw it all..
The hypocrisy and hollowness
of the promises,
the veiled venom
that spat from your
salivating tongue.
It was a vision
that seared momentarily
then, ice-like, melted
into my warm veins,
menacing meanderings.
In the brown grass that
offered no nourishment,
in the flowerless fields
and the baked riverbeds
you indulged your iniquity.
Where pain is pleasure
you sucked your fulfilment
from the teats of sterility;
now it's finished forever,
your mask unveiled.
Discovery has routed you;
I exult in your death.
Author notes
This poem reflects the thoughts of an addict who has finally broken free.
A contest entry
- Prewrite Fiesta! - For my Favourites - by Never Fall in Love.
1250 points, ended March 13, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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I really like this one too.
Again, my only issue is with the ellipses, or half-ellipses at the end of the first stanza, but I adored the ending and the stanza before it. I adored it all, but those especially.
You have great talent.
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To read good poetry like this is simpl refreshing. I absolutely adore your usage of alliteration - and it's a brownie point that none of it seems forced .. as countless people have shown.
Again here, your second stanza is my favourite - because it is sad, yet on the verge of venomous anger for someoe or something. It's what I try to hide sometimes in my own poetry..
Never ♥
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creatively as twisted as they come!
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sad but a very well written.
with much wisdom and depth..
and much pain too
i liked it for it describes the hurt of a generous soul
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Outstanding
I thought this was an interesting poem. The metaphors are distinctive and well-chosen and your choice of language is excellent. I especially liked the lines:
in the flowerless fields
and the baked riverbeds
you indulged your iniquity.
Addiction is never good and I got a real sense of both your hatred and new won freedom. A fantastic poem.
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The image of emotional pain is well penned in this piece. I wasn't sure exactly what to think until I read your notes and I realized that you nailed the emotions of a recovering addict perfectly. With wonderful flow, you have nailed this one very well.
Love,
Amera♥
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Oh whoa
I LOVE the imagery in this! I can picture what you say and I love how dark this sounds! Amazing job, Jane
Fave parts:
and the dry taste of dust
made my stained teeth edgy
The hypocrisy and hollowness
of the promises,
the veiled venom
that spat from your
salivating tongue.
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I love your images and how you can piece together beautiful words with such ease. This poem just flows so nicely, a steady, never breaking stream. Excellent work as always
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you sucked your fulfilment
from the teats of sterility,
That was such a wonderful line right there. There was line previous of that which I felt could have been worded a little better. But all in all another great piece.
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wow!
this is extraordinary.it's lovely, loved it. =)
nice flow and perfect choice of words, very powerful...
i like these lines
"The hypocrisy and hollowness
of the promises,
the veiled venom
that spat from your
salivating tongue."
those lines are just yummy! =)
muah!
stephanie
xxxxxxxxxxx
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then ice-like melted
into my warm veins,
menacing meanderings.
Where pain is pleasure
you sucked your fulfilment
ohhh strong,quite a vocab out there,really wow,these lines touhed me z mostt,great write my friend
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