One of my words is brown,
I tip it over in disgust.
Lisa says,
"why don't you write about my eyes?"
I was looking for round words
to complete the disguise,
"in another life I'll oblige"
she throws the vase across the room
it shatters on the wall
and the tiny bits fall into my words
and makes a mess,
shards become glittering becomes eyes becomes fire-
Look what you have done I exclaim.
smoothing her hands down her sides
the moment in her hallways
when the silk slides,
and the words fall into place
like toy soldiers
erect and expectant.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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Boing! Very nice examination of the interplay of life and art. I think you've made life the master of art here, an important observation.
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Very realistic account. Some really terrific images but somehow the action wasn't engaging to me. The rhyme of "eyes" and "disguise" also threw me.
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I am left wondering, who is Lisa? Your daughter? Well either way though this wasn't my favorite style as far as poetry goes, the message behind it is so sweet and endearing, it's hard not to like it.
Lovely piece, you put very little but just enough detail into this girl to help her come to life through this piece.
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Different and kind of intrigueing
I kinda drew me in but then it took me to another level. It seemed like it was lacking something. But I liked it very interesting Thanks for the read
LISA
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Is Lisa a redhead? She sounds mad!
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wonderful layers to enjoy in this poem!
YOu wrote this poem in a double layer for us all to
pause and enjoy!
I loved it...so smartly done!
and that last line we all went...ohhhh...now I get it!
loved it......what a stinker you are!
ears2hearyou
Kathleen : )) smartly written poem! -
ermmm... unsure what to make of this one. very expressive... especially the line 'shards become glittering becomes eyes becomes fire-' beautifully written i just wish i understood it... is it personal or am i just thick? lol
hugs,
georgie,
xxx -
fluffing some pillows.
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i could never draw hands
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This really didnt portray anything for me. Maybe if i reread it a few times ill understand it better. Great imagery though.
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You certainly captured us with
the image that I didn't see coming, and the words fall
into place like toy soldiers erect and expectant.
well done dear poet, well done! Keep the this woman
away from the china cabinet!
ears2hearyou
Kathleen : ))
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Not sure what I think, some nice imagery, but for me it doesn't really go anywhere.
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I forgot something.
Here is my favorite part:
One of my words is brown,
I tip it over in disgust.
Lisa says,
"why don't you write about my eyes?"
I was looking for round words
to complete the disguise,
"in another life I'll oblige"
she throws the vase across the room
it shatters on the wall
and the tiny bits fall into my words
and makes a mess,
shards become glittering becomes eyes becomes fire-
Look what you have done I exclaim.
smoothing her hands down her sides
the moment in her hallways
when the silk slides,
and the words fall into place
like toy soldiers
erect and expectant.
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This is cheerful and thought provoking. It's a little confusing."One of my words is brown,
I tip it over in disgust." I didn't understand that part. I think it is good. It seems like if you added some more to it, maybe made it longer. -
Wow this is such a good poem. You leave the depth up to the imagination of the reader. THis reminds me of the many arguements that end up with sex. What a greatwrite thank you for sharing this!
Steven
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Eyes
I think this is a very good poem within its own beauty. I really like the emotions that expressed in this poem. Once, I was also thinking about the EYES. I think the eyes are the most important part of the face. The eyes can say a lot. So I wrote a Ghazal "Eyes". You can read if you like. Thank you for sharing.
All the best - Sukhdarshan -
An interesting play on conversation
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Now that's over reacting. Sounds like Lisa might get her eyes written about. Those solders are at the ready.
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fine writing
al
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She's a pain in the neck that Lisa, asking for a poem to be writ about her eyes. And then throwing the vase across the room! Obviously she has quite a temper. Makes me want to go read Genital Disabilities. Lisa is sorta funny in that one
I think this poem might be a bit sexy.
I just had to go read Genital Disabilities. Sorta stompy her sometimes that Lisa but also, picky cool.
Well of course, like you told me Ed's poems mostly all about Love at the most underneath part of the words, maybe this is about that too - even if it feels sort of insecure up there in certain areas especially where he's pushing it all into another lifetime. Stubborn too. She is. I suppose.
signed
Lisa
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best thing from you in ages, honest, strong and shows the complexities and nuances of love and relationships that make us human beings...
and human beings are strange creatures and sometimes, men are from mars and women are from venus and never the twain shall meet, when smashing things... only afterwards when the making up happens and then it's fun...
good one mistah lute man...
G.x
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the best of you i've read-
so real i can touch it
so emotive i can feel it
so ethereal i can sense it- a wonderful write.. should be published.
m
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