My time goes on I can't forget
The lives of sane shan't be to blame
I live inside my dark regret
Here filled with bane from truths I've slain.
My time belongs in devils hands
Now trying to escape at two
I cannot move atop the sands
My fate outgrew what needles drew.
My time is gone. It never was
I've felt before this drab decor
Not knowing all the harm it does
Reach for the door to stop the war.
My time is gone I can't forget
The waves have crashed and left me wet.
My time belongs in devils hands
Unknowing any marks they brand.
My time is gone. It never was,
Stop here right now. My time is up.
Author notes
Just playing with syllibles and some internal rhyme. Trying to get something going here, but I can't seem to grasp it. Any advice?
(Iambic Tetrameter)
A contest entry
- Give me your absolute BEST! IMPRESS ME! by AlwaysbeBIG.
525 points, ended January 25, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - MAKE IT FLOW.......PW WELCOME by pappacass.
450 points, ended January 11, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I'm late I'm late!!! by The Kake Show.
450 points, ended January 24, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-write party. by Naridill.
300 points, ended January 13, 2008, 48 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - immeasurable. by girl shaman.
1150 points, ended February 24, 2008, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Check it out! (yes another contest....) by PonyPride.
1050 points, ended March 24, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Cmmt whatever you see fit.
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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86
ryhme: 18/20 The ryhme was good, not really awkward at all
flow: 16/20 the flow was ok...
style: 20/20 everything was very conistant, all revelavent.. good
m/s: 17/20 good constitant metaphors.. didnt need similes but maybe play around a bit
c/o/i: 15/20 the part about the needles added good imagery but nothing too original..something we all wright about unfortunetly -
please re-read what i said on my contest :/
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Maybe there was a miscommunication. When you say "dont waste my time
with RHYME & CLICHE things." I thought you didn't want anything generic. You DID also say that you wanted mature poetry, serious poetry, and 30 lines and under. So please tell me what the problem is.
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I feel that you need to lay a little back of the repeating words - if needed try use different words with same meanings. With internal rhyme, I feel the flow works more steady with lengthier more internal rhymes in themselves.
conviction, benediction etc.
Thanks for entering.
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Goosebumps time, especially the last stanza. "What needles drew" is a great image. There is a very impressive sense of forboding here.
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Deep Man
I really like the way this is written. I think a lot of thought went into this. Good Job. KUDOS!
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This is pretty good i like the rhyme sceme and the flow its prewtty serious and i dont know if thats quite what i wanted but ill let you keep it in just because of the goodness of it well good luckj
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I usually use time to describe my life, I so loved reading this piece cause I see you do the same thank you so much for entering this contest! We wish you all the best. Hope to see more entries of you in the future.
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nice flow
i felt your pain...hope you can find away to get the clock ticking again...good luck -
This was really cool...I liked it a lot.
"The lives of sane shan't be to blame
I live inside my dark regret
Here filled with bane from truths I've slain."
Were my favorite lines...By far...As for advice, I'd say the ending doesn't sound much like an ending, it's very abrupt, but overall I like the poem...Good job.
Thanks for entering, and good luck
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It's meant to be abrupt, as if a clock had suddenly stopped ticking. Thanks for commenting though I enjoyed the contest.
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First I would like to ask you to please not 5 star my comment, or comment me back at all for now. I am trying very hard not to find out who anyone is.
Love the style of your poem, you done well while just palying with syllibles, this is something I wish I could do. The flow is great. I enjoyed your write very much.
Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
Loveandblessings2u & yours always
Joyce
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this is infact a very good poem (^.^) i like your choice of words and the rhyme scheme, as for advice, I don't have any yet, but I'll continue reading it and see, wonderful write and good luck in the contest!
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Awesome ~ this is exactly the same frame of mind I have been in lately. Good luck in the contest and congrats on a write well done!
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Oh, well I am glad you can relate to this. You know you're very talented yourself.
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