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Distance








you said
you'd think on it
sleep under the
stairs for a night
or two to consider
the consequences you'd
define for yourself

the world kept moving
and i danced with
it, trying hard to
avoid hooking my
obnoxious left feet
into the legs of some
unfortunate too lucky
to trust i could keep
up with the streaks and
blurs in my nice work suit

down came the gavel
you were the victim
of my distance
and through no fault
of your own, sullied
yourself as
the non-guilty

and change came
and you flailed innocently
when i froze
and didn’t respond






Author notes

That bitch.

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Comments


  • Blkwidow77
    January 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ok, I have to ask. Where the hell did that bizarre picture of a laughing pear come from? It's just way out wierd and that's all there is too it. I definitely have a love/hate thing going on with it. lol

    blah, blah. Critique: Yeah, the first stanza works. A decent lead in. My bitch? The 'you'd' in the second to last line. Just makes for a stumble in the reading. I think you could drop the 'd' and it wouldn't change anything but the flow.

    Second stanza, sixth line, 'into' would sound better as 'onto' really. Or so I think. Yes, yes, the details are the potions for madness. So then, you'll have a full glass, right?

    Ok, and the last two lines in the second stanza? I don't know, the blurs and streaks doesn't really convey anything meaningful. And you have a short poem so you really can't afford those kind of weak image errors. You need something more impactful.

    The third stanza, you suddenly whip out a 'gavel' to indicate courts and judges, victims. But for me, your reader, it really is a surprise because you started out personal and with nature and stars. It just doesn't go. Maybe switch up 'gavel' with 'gravel' and you could still skirt by with the victim metaphor?

    And then, the fourth stanza? Uh, yep, confusing. I think that I understand where you were going with it but I just don't see it supporting itself. The flailing seems to be so all alone in this, unconnected. And the freezing, just doesn't click for readers (outside yourself). What you mean to project about your personality, is not clear to us.

    So there you have it. A critical critique. I don't think it's terrible but you do have some work cut out for you on this one. lol


  • layla.
    December 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    obnoxious left feet> obnoxious left foot?

    this is very very bitter, i like your flow, i don't think you needed punctuation [yes, i said i like it without the puctuation which you don't have]. good. i like being defensive at times. this is powerful at places and at some places it's raw! and yes, raw can be powerful just playing with you... this is cleverly penned. thanks for entering!