Let me write you a diatribe on why.
Your mailbox was empty this morning while I waited
for the sunrise to pierce my eyelids like fiery pink razorblades.
I sat on the steps from your apartment, glowing fluorescent,
while I prepared my body for the cold
that would soon seep in under the door.
My scarf is new and I do not own a pair of gloves;
you say I'm in denial of New England
and I only shrug.
Her voice (that I've never heard) echoes
through the hallways like a parade of dead fruit bats;
I grasp onto the handrail so I will not tumble
face-first into misplaced secrets.
Under your floorboards there are purple hair ties,
a young lady with long hair preserved by the remnants she left behind.
I wonder if they were hers
and I remind myself
that is impossible.
The snow has turned to ice.
"It's a long way back home...
The friendship has to persevere."
I spend Sunday night stretched out in my own skin,
wondering if the way back home
should have ever been this bumpy.
Author notes
I'm telling you now, I may consider editing this. I hope this does not pose a problem.
A contest entry
- It's Impossible by magdelene.
1000 points, ended January 9, 2008, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
good bad otherwise? oh that title is silly....
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Perhaps you have a penchant ...
for shocking pink? Seems like I remember something about neon pink in the other poem. Anyway, I don't see the length of the lines here as a problem. After all, it's free verse. In form poetry, it would be horrific, but here, who cares? I also don't see anything wrong with the punctuation, and that usually jumps out and kicks me in the teeth when it's bad.
All in all, I'd say you've done a fairly good job on this.
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I found this piece to be intriguing, and my only recommendation would be; to break up some of the longer lines, thus giving them more of a, dramatic pause. Mind basic punctuation as well.
You see, a true poet
literally agonizes
about where to break
the lines, and
where to place
punctuation.
Give it try
Sincerely,
Mj.
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A younger you, eh?
....in any case. Would you mind pointing out where I use punctuation incorrectly? I reread it, but sometimes I read over my own mistakes. I'm not sure about changing the line breaks. I'll certainly consider it, but it took me a long time to switch from shorter to longer lines....and did you use incorrect punctuation repeatedly to make your point? If so, point taken, but I'm still at a loss as to where the mistakes are in my own piece.
A true poet knows nothing of punctuation, and writes like her heart is on fire and her brain about to implode. She writes like there is lightning in her fingertips.
She writes best with her heart open and her eyes closed.
....I'm sure if we asked Li Po he'd agree with me. Of course he was a drunkard and a womanizer. So it goes....
In all seriousness, though, poetry should not be agony. Quite the contrary, indeed.
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Hm, I like this. Its different. I feel like its just going out, how stressful it is so go places and get ready and the safety and thoughfulness of home. How winter and the cold closes in on you and seeps under your skin with its depression and solemn-ness. I just really like the whole shaky-ness of this poem, gentle-ness and like, selfishness? Not selfish, but like it just all about wandering alone. I think it was connecting emotions to winter. My favorite bit:
"Under your floorboards there are purple hair ties,
a young lady with long hair preserved by the remnants she left behind."
That was pretty, and just so out of the blue. I was like what? One of those things that creeps onto the page and you dont see it there then it moves. Beautiful write.
o.<3xo
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Because I greatly respect you as a poet, I feel okay saying this: Try to read a little deeper. It has less to do with winter, and more to do with "why".
Think about the meaning of "diatribe".
Gosh golly I hate pushing people to find my meaning.... please don't take it personally. I wouldn't have said anything if I thought you couldn't handle it. -
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okay well I looked up diatribe =P cuz im a little dumb and it means consuming, wearing away, or harsh prolonged complainting or criticisms.
So with that known...you are complaining or being angry about why or being worn away by the thoughts of pasttimes?
Ahh now I read and I have read it different. Maybe this STILL isn't what you meant but I see another part to this story I didn't see before.
You're waiting, hurt, looking forward or backwards or somewhere other than now. He's sneaking around and you're angry. & you can't stop thinking about who she is? And to get back to wherever you left off is far, and hard but you want to stay friends. And getting back to yourself is so hard, too hard, and why did you have to try. i think, I don't know that is what I see now. I hope this is closer to your meanings! <333
<3xoxoSorryimsoslow! -
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gosh golly. :)
There is absolutely NO reason to apologize. The fact that you actually went and looked up the word is really wonderful and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
The poem is about a lot of things, but primarily about my boyfriend trying to maintain a friendship with an ex who hurt him very much; the "why" deals with her spending the night. It is not that I don't trust him, but that I am concerned for his well-being.
It's also about me considering the option of going home to my parents', both figuratively and literally, and realizing absolutely how difficult that is and how it isn't really "home" anymore. It left me kind of stranded, stuck between.
It's not a terribly obvious read. But I appreciate you delving deeper. Thank you.
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