Welcome to the gallery of fantasies
Where all your dreams become realities
But only if you close your eyes
Will you be able to see the world of lies
It all begins with a simple desire
The will to light the frozen fire
So you cannot be bound by the chains of pain
And the caged bird can fly away in the rain
Happiness was my greatest masterpiece
And emptiness was my greatest release
I have been here many times before
Unattainable---the two worlds clash with war
I am the creator and this is my creation
But sanity is trying to erase imagination
Dreams will be crushed by the harsh truth
Furtive chaos will trap the mind of youth
Trapped inside the agony of its own amusement
It doesn’t realize its containment
Night disguises us when it is time to revisit
Not even it can stop us, and sanity will lose it
Author notes
This is basically the same as the original "Gallery of Fantasies". However, in this poem, there is only 20 lines and some of the lines have changed to make the poem flow better.
A contest entry
- NO GREENS! - A Rounds Contest by Idle Mind Wondering.
1700 points, ended December 18, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - your best work composed over the last twelve months by Lute.
600 points, ended January 9, 2008, 68 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I havn't yet read the original version of this... but I can tell this is a work in progress, I love the metaphores especially the lines
"It all begins with a simple desire
The will to light the frozen fire"
The flow is fairly good throughout, but could be better in some parts
... I like the theme though this poem has potential to be great.
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It has an
aaaaabbcccddxeeffggghhhh
pattern
s s s s s s s s s s s
Welcome to the gallery of fantasies - (11)
s s s s s s s s s
Where all your dreams become realities - (9)
s s s s s s s s
But only if you close your eyes - (8)
s s s s s s s s s s s
Will you be able to see the world of lies - (11)
- (0)
s s s s s s s s s s
It all begins with a simple desire - (10)
s s s s s s s
The will to light the frozen fire - (7)
s s s s s s s s s s s
So you cannot be bound by the chains of pain - (11)
s s s s s s s s s s s
And the caged bird can fly away in the rain - (11)
- (0)
s s s s s s s s s s
Happiness was my greatest masterpiece - (10)
s s s s s s s s s s
And emptiness was my greatest release - (10)
s s s s s s s s s
I have been here many times before - (9)
s s s s s s s s s s s
Unattainable---the two worlds clash with war - (11)
- (0)
s s s s s s s s s s s
I am the creator and this is my creation - (11)
s s s s s s s s s s s s s s
But sanity is trying to erase imagination - (14)
s s s s s s s s s
Dreams will be crushed by the harsh truth - (9)
s s s s s s s s s
Furtive chaos will trap the mind of youth - (9)
- (0)
s s s s s s s s s s s s s
Trapped inside the agony of its own amusement - (13)
s ss s s s s s s
It doesn’t realize its containment - (9)
s s s s s s s s s s s s
Night disguises us when it is time to revisit - (12)
s s s s s s s s s s s s s
Not even it can stop us, and sanity will lose it - (13)
content 7.5
vocabulary 8.24
accuracy 7.8
creativity 6.8
theme 6.5
originality 7
totals: 43.84 -
I agree with Pam's comments on this penning and feel that it can move on; however, I must ask that you refrain from rewriting prewrites in the further rounds, as allowing this has a dishonest feel to me.
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Happiness truly is one's greatest masterpiece. I like that line very much.'
I do like the use of your rhymed couplets, though it seems some of the rhyme is a bit forced, but it flows well. You have definitely hit this prompt spot on.
Overall, this is a very good piece with wonderful visuals and language. I might take a closer look at syllable count and meter to tighten this up a bit, and I would like to see punctuation and the elimination of capitalizing every line. It detracts from the flow a bit.
Over all, a very good entry for this contest. Best of luck in the judging. ~Pamela
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