Sad eyes alike two pink bubble-gums,
one hand holding a paper ice-cream,
another hand lost
somewhere between tears and teddy-bears.
Your (last) gown-
a tattered napkin wet with green memories,
brutaly cut just above your knees
covered in stitches that bleed ever since.
You shall go somewhere special now,
a place where dolls can be just dolls...
Author notes
Prompt: Just Another Funeral
A girl burying her doll.
A contest entry
- Quickie by Exodus.
700 points, ended December 6, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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a good poem, i like the tattered napkin imagery with green memories, that line stands out to me from them all.
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FUCK! this is so good I have to swear!!!
LOVED IT GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Creatress
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Good stuff indeed
There is a certain natural raw edged energy to this dark world of yours that goes straight for the gut, crawls up through your spine and into your head! ... It manages to strike a certain chord somewhere in me. This is powerful stuff !
'You shall go somewhere special now,
a place where dolls can be just dolls...
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"somewhere between tears and teddy-bears.
Your (last) gown-
a tattered napkin wet with green memories,
brutaly cut just above your knees"
This is beautiful!!
A brilliant write from a brilliant poet. Great job...
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thank you so much for your kind comments
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Such a very creative take on the prompt given! It gave me a sort of chill as I read. Nice use of imagery to allow such poignancy. Nice write!
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Wow. This is a very impressive take on the prompt. The depths and the imagination in this poem is superb. The way you write about dolls here is haunting and invoke some of my childhood fears. Vivid imagery and I like the way you express your view on dolls here.
Nicely written..
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'a tattered napkin wet with green memories,
brutaly cut just above your knees'
I like the above lines very much. The flesh keeps switching plastic to real for me when i read this, makes it all the more brutal, perhaps because that type of identification does not lie with the victim. Has innocent child-language too, conjures the memories that deal with the more vicious and macarbe aspects of childhood.
Thanks for your comments, much apprieciated.
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I thought this was a lovely take on the prompt. The lines; "another hand lost / somewhere between tears and teddy-bears." were really something. You had some beautiful imagery and lovely metaphors. I really enjoyed it, thank you
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This is excellent--full of startling imagery and apt word-choices. I like the way you combine soft with quite brutal images. Very effective.
Bill
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Oh d-d-d-dear! How very eerily cruel
The metaphors and imagery here are simply astounding!
‘Paper ice-cream’, ‘tears and teddy bears’ –
I love ‘tattered napkin’, very nice touch.
Though, not as nice as the parentheses around ‘last’ – brilliant.
I love how your inner poet caught a glimpse of what I was showing you last night;
Where you’ve combined words in the peripheral, in this at the head of each sentence;
Starting right off the bat with ‘sad one’, ‘one hand another hand’, ‘Your (you’re) a tattered napkin’, ‘brutally covered’… verrrry excellent latent imagery.
It plays very well on both interpretations – the first the little girl burying her doll; sending it to ‘a different kind of heaven’. The second image I got was a reluctant teen at prom about to INDULGE herself with ‘a different kind of heaven’. Feels like the guy is going to fast, or maybe she tried to stop him just before and he raped her…
A brilliant work of art here – very, very, very good take on that prompt! If you don’t win there is definitely something wrong there I’m not even going to say it, because you don’t need it.
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