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Deep within

She moves around the light of day,
With a smile on her face she gently sways.
She speaks with candor and subtle conviction,
With a pleasing tone and with precise diction.

I think of her every day and night,
For her I am willing to fight.
I'll do anything to get her within my sight,
So that she can be my light.

But she knows not of my existence,
My love for her is beyond reason.
I wish I could tell her all that i think,
But I'm scared she'll reject me before I can blink.

She is the fire present in the winter,
Warming me making sure I do not wither.
Without her I'll freeze alone in the cold,
I need her to fill the void in my soul.

A quiet love deep within,
Its soft and never makes a din.
Hidden in the darkest echoes of my heart,
Scintillating brightly like a glowing shard.

A contest entry

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Comments


  • Puking Faerie Dust gold member
    December 11, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Okay, first of all, I asked for no cheesy love poems. Second, I know I didn't quite say absolutely no rhyme, but I did say you'd better be damn good at it; this reaks of pedestrian rhyme, and I could predict almost every line-end. Third, you didn't put what I asked you to in the author's notes.

    Obviously, you didn't read ANYTHING on the contest page.
    Removed.


  • Shenanigans
    December 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Oh no!! I loved this right up until the end! All of it is so beautiful, but those last two lines kill me. Really just the last one line. The heart/guard seems like a forced rhyme, and the watching from afar/shadow guarding makes you sound like a total creeper. I know that's not at all what you were going for, because the rest of the piece was pretty phenomenal, and beautiful in that shy and unrequited sort of way. I suggest maybe redoing just that last little bit, to make the end just as strong as the rest of it. All in all this is an excellent piece, I enjoyed the emotions and the way you metaphorically define her. Great job and good luck in the contest!
    --Shannon