Chilling shrill of sadness laced to every note
wrote on soaked and shattered memories – we reminisce
this pain. Hiss of smoke that tangles grey to fix
its lost gaze upon your perfectly manicured muff.
Love? Not love - more your titanium with veins.
Sane men feign such emotion as you prowl their
bare skin, their shrivelled skills: Their bank accounts
‘mount to ounces of reward for an arduous suck,
fuck and feel like a butcher’s shop. Yet within us,
lust drives rust from chalky bones of long decay; flesh
met its match inside your wet warmth, your embrace.
Lace each day like a string of pearls that hang low
so you know which way is home. You cannot die –
why we try tearing crosses from faithless fuckers,
nervous verses of Psalm 23 and remembering above
love and chorus how at a single moment we were one:
Come and somebody will catch these years. A shimmering
sting of things that surround you, stab my memories ‘til
still we fill our eyes with faint visions and hope that
at some happy point in time, we are shagged to death
next time there’s a perfectly manicured muff on offer.
A contest entry
- Looking to be impressed... by ellipsist.
1100 points, ended November 23, 2008, 41 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - why do you live by h202.
650 points, ended August 2, 2008, 28 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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Humm..the truth and the philosophy you took as your task of the depictions through the immages of the poetry..well done..
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Your dark, raw use of language is both cold and beautiful at once. An enchanting, lovely piece of work
All the best
~ Ink
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I really dig your use of imagery and the way you manipulate language, but the form chosen with such line breaks detracted from the reading experience. Killer concepts tho.
"fuck and feel like a butcher’s shop." - so raw yet refined. kudos and three of those clappy smiley guys. -
You should break this up into multiple stanzas it would make the poem an easier read, although you don't have to.
You may see that it's more effective this way.
Great rhyme scheme, original, interesting.
The title drew me in, amazing.
Don't stop writing, keep up the good work.
Thank you so much for sharing. -
i don't like the title at all and i don't like the form as one huge stanza/run on sentence, but i like what you've written. i love all the rhyme, specifically the internal rhyme and the spots where words rhyme but not in normal places within the lines. you also exhibit some impressive use of sound here. a lot of good alliteration, consonance, assonance, and that good stuff. 'nervous verses...' really stood out to me. i liked that line. very nice and thanks for enterin
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this is an interesting take on the picture.. I like the format and the way you described things. I had to reread this just to pick up everything thing you wrote, which means you really stuffed this full of good poetry; ahaha great job.
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Wow, an excellent piece indeed... Definitely an interesting read, very abstract. Well done, and good luck!
Laura xxx
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DP...great job on this write...i dont recall ever reading anything from you with faul language in it but i did enjoy the read...hope your holidays were the best...take care peace...
~~DI~~ -
Free love, free verse
Well, shagging is a popular subject in the head even though it does not all take place there... usually. -
very nice music poem. ideas stretched in meaning. very wonderful being among such good writers.
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I would love to hear this spoken! incredible flow to this piece... I like the tone, the strength of the wording and language, the imagery, and the kind of scathing humor and irony to this piece... clever indeed, love the internal rhyme utilized... impressive! thanks for this entry!
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Ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hucking filarious!! not the poem...your response to fraankie....the piece is more the you I know and love than the one I commented on last...I'm rucking fambling now...time for bed.....
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We have had six deaths in the past two months in our family. While sitting in the congregation at the church or the funeral home, my mind always seems to drift. I totally detest funerals. The tradition, the ceremony, the entire exhibition of a soulless individual put on display for those who weren't around when the person was alive, to suddenly appear with forced tears streaming down their fake ass faces...
I need to say that my cousin, Bruce made a fine looking corpse, although it broke my heart that that was actually his body laying there, cold and lifeless. I read this three times and each time found a line that I missed.
"Their bank accounts
‘mount to ounces of reward for an arduous suck,
fuck and feel like a butcher’s shop."
The resonance is skillfully played here DP. You always make my mind work extra hard. I should have waited until tomorrow morning to allow myself the ability to suck this in through a straw. Great play on rhymes within the lines my dear. The sarcasm and cynicism is effortlessly written.
I love your poetry man!
Much Love & Light & Happy Holidays to You & Yours ♥
Renee
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G'DAY DP
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you are not only a poet, but an amazing, incredible writer. I saw that from the first line, felt it deeply at the end, and pondered in the middle.
All in all, keep writing. I see books lots of them in your future. Smile.
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I have read this three times. Each time two things strike me. The poem is brilliant, the poem is too serious. I love a good dose of irony and a great satyrical jab. So this was delightful, but not really fun.
This was not a good natured ribbing or fun bit of satyrical humor. This was a two-by-four to the head of what the author deems "ignorance", as near as I can tell. I feel like I a reading an add for a giude who will take me to the outback and slay all of the little foibles of the human race for me so I can take them home, have them stuffed and mount them on my wall. Good luck with that.
This poem would have me gushing like a well-trashed teen girl at a boyband concert if it didn't have such a sense of seriousness about it. I refuse to take you or anyone seriously. So instead of giving it a 10 I give it a 7.5 It still gets three bunnies.
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I appreciate that..seriously
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I got your seriousness hangin'... 'long with a two day supply of chicken mcnuggets.
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so many hidden gems in this piece- so much to love
the double entendre of the string of pearls pointing the way home- the manicured lawns/ muff
shagged to death in context here is excellent.. - i need to start reading you
this is just an excellent piece-
also want to say thanks
and tell you how much it is appreciate when
a poet extends themselves to so many other
poets in the same contest- it's a wonderful gesture
m -
The way you are able to express your cutting edge wit and wisdom is truly unique among the poets on this site. If any man tells me he doesn't want to be shagged to death at some point in his life I know he is a liar. Manicured muff....mmmm.....Now there's an alliteration you can sink your teeth into...lol. Best of luck in the contest.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
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nice, love the points you make.
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Sometimes I just feel so stupid. I read this and what struck me was how technically good it is; honed, okay, yes, manicured. Then I glanced at the other comments and ooops , out of step again Stef. Well, I stand by it- the Prosody ( I like dropping that word in the hope it makes me sound as if I know what I am talking about) is fantastic.
Yeah the content is raw, but then if I ever read a smooth and glib DPR I would think that it was a send up.
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Ponderously interesting, I like it.
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This poem isn't well manicured, it's rough and raw, vital and rooted in reality...stab my memories 'til still we fill our eyes with faint visions...magical.
Finzi's "Intimations of Mortality" plays in the background and supports the poem so well. -
Yeah, it's true ...
I hope I get shagged to death before I get any older and break a hip in the process, spoiling the whole event. Why did you have to remind me? I was way too busy when I was younger to realize this about myself. I think I’ll send this to my sons before they get too rusty and chalky to miss the right door out of this place. Another great piece. Thanks for wrecking my day (smile). Sultan
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I quite enjoyed the dark, rough feel to this..I like the fact the "pornish" section was not overly explicit like some tend to get...over all this was a very well written piece, as to the negative comment left, why people have to remark on the author's comments, or the topic of the piece, is beyond me...I always thought one's commenting should be on the work itself....which I feel you did a marvelous job of...thanx for sharing
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very bad
author's notes are a turnoff
when someone passes, it's best to speak of good
(my first negative comment in 3 years) -
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read the poem properly you fuckwit (first negative reply in three minutes)
PS (first negative comment in three years)
Member since May 22, 2006.
Fraankie, I am assuming Math isn't one of your strengths either
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i always love your writing, this well-constructed, internal rhyming,alliterating masterpiece further bolsters my high opinion of your work. Its naughty and juicy and sad, tearing crosses from faithless fuckers is brilliant. Its continuity-exquisite flow- is what impresses me most of all
Sane men feign
Their bank accounts
‘mount to ounces of reward for an arduous suck,
fuck and feel
Yet within us,
lust drives rust from chalky bones of long decay; flesh
met its match inside your wet warmth, your embrace
Remarkable!
Arielle Giselle
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reading this a few times ... i love the first 3 lines(amongst so much in the whole) - poetry ! - and then i started to smile and then i found i loved many lines, really enjoyed the alliteration and line breaks, still smiling ... there are a couple of moments i am lost in the analogies but thats prolly me and not the writing >>> Gina
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