It doesn’t matter if it rimes man,
You won’t cut it if there’s no feelin.
Keep saying that you’re fine man,
In the end you’ve got my head a realin’.
Then you got to remind me
Of the times that you were there too.
And remind me, of the times, that we were still two.
I’m not like you
and for that I’m sorry.
Our lives are wasted on our own story.
Each time I bring you back
you say that we’re through
And you were wrong, you were hurt
But through each fight and every battle
Our mantra's loud: “I’ve got my wing man”
And then, and then, and then it’s over
It’s not like we haven’t been there
More like a million times already
See Romans three, twenty three
Cause we need to steady
Then you've got to remind me
Of the times that you were there too
And remind me, of the times, that we were still two
Seems like I’m always sorry,
And your words don’t tell me,
That you hear, that you know, that you know me.
That I’ve been wrong, and you can come down,
To speak to me at my level.
Cause we’re all so needy.
Then you got to remind me,
Of the times that you were there too,
And remind me, of the times that, we were still two.
We were once two, we were so true, nothing we couldn't do
And we were right, and we were strong, there's no tomorrow
Short of the hand that supports us.
That defines us, and reminds us, He refines us.
Author notes
Okay...for the record, the brilliance of a comment is to let me know what the poem means to you, the reader. Not reflect back to me a suspicion about what i was thinking or 'trying' to evoke in the reader. Sure, I may miss my mark... but if I don't hear it from YOU, the reader, where will I hear it?
Of course I may get it right (even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while ) and am very pleased when you, the reader, reflects an understanding.
Either way, feedback is good. Also, comments about the readability, structure, rhyme, or anything else to help me improve is coveted.
I figure if you are taking the time to read, and comment, then I must take the time to get out of your effort all I can...otherwise, this isn't worth the time for either of us.
Thank you for taking the time to read and any comments you leave...
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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wow. what a difference from what I'm used to from you. this plays at my heart strings...filled with feeling and passions. Truly opening up your heart to all of us. I like it.
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Thanks Abear. I'm glad you found passion and feelings...and yes, it is a departure from the norm for me. Mostly an exercise in expression. Thanks again.
Michael
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Well, I don't care if you are a "a contrary and insensitive oaf" in your spare time
, I like this. It's a different approach, very 'street', with an interesting and unexpected conclusion.
Most of it works really well, but there are one or two lines which don't work for me:
eg "We were once two, we were so true, nothing we couldn't do" is a bit pat, and I would revisit it. Simlarly, in the lines "More like a million times already
See Romans three, twenty three
Cause we need to steady..." I'm not sure the meter is ok. It distracted me enough for me to lose the thread. But hey! maybe that's just me.
A good poem overall, nice job!
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HEHEHE... Glad you recognized my oafish nature off the bat. I'm sure there are many folks here who will applaud you're early detection.
Still, yea, it's a 'streetish' poem, much different from the rhyme and structure I tend to stick too... but I've been brancing from my comfort zone lately. I'll relook at the poem with your comments, just not now. I do appreciate critical comments...never helps to keep saying "great poem" and not suggesting any improvements. I know I'm far from perfect (keep that between us please. 
).
Michael
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