shes empty now
her soul oozing out through her mouth
deep red shines in the moonlight
it covers the dirt
and coats the weeds
under the bridge is the last thing she seen
did she go slow realizing her mistake?
did she shiver and shake?
did she hear my heart break?
on that bright sunny day i couldn't breathe
they muttered the words that burned me
i didn't know!
i thought you were bluffing
didn't see the wounds you were hiding
but i inherited them
cause you made me
you shoved them down my throat
but they ate me
crying on train tracks
liquid pain streaming
dripping on my chest
soaking my skin
seeping back to my heart
i don't want to get rid of it
it punishes me
for things i didn't see
you were subliminally trying to show me
silently screaming,
someone save me!!!!!
your image blinds me
playing in my head like a movie
your smile and eyes,
the scar on your face,
stunning.
a model with a Mohawk
its a shame
I'm still waiting
for you to walk through the door
Author notes
option 4
A contest entry
- Paint it in mistakes and statical clearity by pillowjoe.
600 points, ended February 5, 2008, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - So you're a poet huh? {{{PREWRITES WELCOME}}} by Melissa Burns.
475 points, ended February 22, 2008, 22 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
honesty please
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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Very sad.
i didn't know!
i thought you were bluffing
didn't see the wounds you were hiding
but i inherited them
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oh wow...I felt your loss here. What I am noticing about your work is that each piece Ive read seems so very personal...as if you sacrifice a bit of yourself to make the reader feel your heart.
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Your poem paints the sad demise of Liz with depth of emotion and imagery...what you also convey is the sadness of circumstance passed on...the relentless questions without answers that circle in the mind's eye...enough of my rambling...your poem moved me...
Many Blessings
Yvette
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uhhh...
hmph, phsyco emperor says "i feel the pain, the key is to go on with life. Life has its ups and downs, BUT IT IS THOSE UPS AND DOWNS THAT TEST US, THAT MAKE US STRONGER. A very close friend of mine was killed by a drive by shooting, because the gang got the wrong house. I was DESTROYED...but i Know where he is, in heaven with our lord Jesus christ!
that is where liz is, heaven. With the lord and Jesus!
in heaven there is no pain, suffering, or any sadness,
celebrate, that liz is now in Paradise!
GREAT POEM
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'seen' in line 6 should either be 'saw' or 'she had seen'.
Very deep. If this is true, I am so sorry for your loss. Personally, I think that it would be a little easier to follow if you used punctuation and capitalized the beginning of sentences, but it flows well. It's just a little hard to follow in some places. The ending is very heart-wrenching. Your imagery is very good. It makes me wonder just how she killed herself and why? I really liked the line saying how you inherited the pain, how you're punishing yourself for not seeing. I know that guilt. I know that sorrow, and I am truly sorry that you have to endure that. The last two lines are unbelievably depressing, like the little boy who keeps trying to wake mommy up when he finds her 'asleep' in her bed. Well Done. Thank you for entering and good luck in this contest. -
great
This is fantastic, it has really, really great imagery and fantastic connotations... "her soul oozing out through her mouth" amazing and so sad... I'm sorry if this is a true story, I know what it's like to blame yourself.
Great great great write!
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Powerful
This write reads like a monologue. The hardest thing to do is to put your emotions on paper for others to experience, and you do it well. Truly, you shouldn't blame yourself, but if that's what you need to do then go right ahead. I appreciate everything you say in this, and I hope that you continue to write.
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Ahhh...this was a poem with true impact. Left me feeling guilty, somehow, to see this far into something so personal. The initial imagery was so graphic that I was cringing... I could see the macabre scene you described. But even more than that, you took me on your journey of sorrow and self-condemnation.
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First Congratulation on the Bronze and Silver well deserved
What a sad and intriguing write you had my attention word for word. The more I read the more I wanted. And yet it broke my heart the more I read. Your are a outstanding writer that brings word to life. These stance I felt deep;
"crying on train tracks
liquid pain streaming
dripping on my chest
soaking my skin
seeping back to my heart
i don't want to get rid of it
it punishes me
for things i didn't see
you were subliminally trying to show me
silently screaming
someone save me"
LISA
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i inherited them
cause you made me
you shoved them down my throat
but they ate me
Well written - exactly how it feels. Thanks for entering!
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wow
this is really, really powerful, with an awful lot of emotion in there. i especially like the lines;
i thought you were bluffing
didn't see the wounds you were hiding
i inherited them
congrats on your bronze, you really deserved it
lucy
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OMG!
This brought tears to my eyes. I can't even think to say anything but wow!
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this was a really touching poem. I felt your pain. great write.
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this is a really strong write and my favorite part was "crying on train tracks liquid pain streaming dripping on my chest soaking my skin seeping back to my heart i don't want to get rid of it it punishes me for the things i didn't see you were subliminally trying to show me silently screaming someone save me" thank you for entering in my contest and i enjoyed reading this
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This is a very well written poem. I felt the passion and pain of it. good luck in the contest
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lovely
-my only gripe, is in the rules...I said "Only Use My Titles".....although, because this was a wonderfull poem, I'll let it slide....... good work! -
Losing a love is never easy but wishing for their return is the hardest part.
Never knowing when or if it will stop.
At the same time not wanting it to as the pain is sometime the only way of remembering.
Hope your pain does not last too long.
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"shes empty now
her soul oozing out through her mouth
deep red shines in the moonlight
covers the dirt
coats the weeds
under the bridge
the last thing she seen"
This part hit a sore spot and reminded me of a friend that I lost to murder she was found under a bridge set on fire. This write brought a tear to my eye as I read through it, it is wonderfull thank you for sharing -
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wow thats really horrible! im so sorry !were you really close?did they find her killer?how old was she?
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Good write (:
You potrayed the sadness and the pain very well
However,
"they muttered the words that burned me
i didint know
i thought you were bluffing
didint see the wounds you were hididng
i inherited them
you made me
you shoved them down my throat
but they ate me"
A couple of spelling mistakes here. You spelt "didn't" as "didint" and "hiding" as "hididing".
Also, you didn't include the option number in your notes. Please do so or I will remove this entry.
Thanks so much for entering!
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Hello
Thanks for the comment and correction.I fixed everything,i think.If not please let me know.Im not really sure how all this works.Im new to it.I appreciate you taking the time to help me though!Can I enter another poem?thanks again. -
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Yea, sure (:
But it'll replace the previous entry. Give me your best!
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Excellent write!!
Sad and lonely feeling from this tragic moment! Brings back the times in my life. The expession in this poem draws the reader into it for the effect that this tragic moment displays. Excellent job on this poem my friend!! Don
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thank you!coming from you these comments mean a lot.but im not sure how this whole system works you know rating and points and all that. im not really here for that stuff anyway.just want to check out some awesome poets like you.and mabey learn a little bit .thanks again its greatly appreciated.
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Any time you need help just IM me!! Don
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Welcome to AP
Welcome to all poetry! Hope you enjoy the site :)
This is well done; filled with a lot of pain and deep emotion
The only thing I might suggest is the use of punctuation so as to not feel the poem just runs on; if that makes sense
Otherwise, very creative
Thank you for sharing and again, welcome to the site
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thank you so much for taking the time to let me know what you thought,and welcoming me.great advice.its greatly appreciated!
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