Dealing with grief
How does one deal with loved ones' deaths, with anguish just begun,
so many hearts left aching through the pain?
When parents lose quite suddenly a daughter or a son,
the overwhelming grief affects them deeply causing strain.
I have my faith in afterlife to bear me through the years.
I know he’s happy. It’s what Brian chose
before his birth. I felt the loss, I grieved and shed my tears
and then let go, stood back and watched his spirit as it rose.
Brian comes to me and speaks about his dad, the pain Bob’s in.
He tries to reach his dad but can’t get through;
tries hard to make his father smile - he has a cheeky grin.
I wish that Bob would lift away the clouds and see him too.
With Bob it’s hard to take, the pain may never go away;
the anger, rage, the fear he puts us through.
He scares us when he yells - all we can do for him is pray;
he tries so hard to curb the rage, the inner hurt undo.
Just when I think he’s fine he flares again, I see the rage;
he can’t accept a child of his went first.
I plead with him to lower his voice before there’s a rampage
it seems that, when he hears me speak, he curbs his wild outburst.
If Bob could just accept the fact that Brian has gone away,
be happy for the time we had with him,
begin to heal his heart the way I have and learn to pray,
maybe he’d see that everything is not so grey or grim.
Be happy with your children - hold them near
because we never know how long they’re here.
Joan Benecke November 1, 2007
Author notes
I wrote this poem last month when Bob was at his worse regarding the rages and the anger, the yelling and abuse he gave to friends and family and me. I spoke to our Doctor twice and he laughed at me, said I hadn’t trained him right. I was ready to go to him and say “Listen Daryl, there is something wrong with Bob, he needs counseling.” But thankfully one day Bob said he has to stop stressing out, since then there’s only been small episodes and I’ve succeeded in calming him down. I thought I would still post this to show what grief can do to some people, how it affected Bob to the extent that I was frightened of him, something that in 46 years I’ve never been. I still feel he may need counseling and when I get to see our Doctor on his own I’ll talk to him.
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Truth, beautifully composed, is a treat indeed!
May we all learn from your experience!
"Be happy with your children - hold them near
because we never know how long they’re here."
Not only our children, true as it should be --one of mine is long estranged and does not speak to me, except with hate. My other three have redeemed her choice by being even more wonderful than I can politely say. In case you wonder why,--it is only because I am her mother. Eventually grief passes...
Not only our children, but we should express our appreciation of our parents too. Forty-four years ago my dad died, massive stroke at work, drove his car home with progressive paralysis, lasted four days in hospital, cracked jokes with half his face ( about apprentice doctors) and in peace unafraid and with a smile, age 59, he was gone before I could say goodbye. And then I realized with sudden grief that I had never, in so many words, told him that I loved him.
Such a painful realization until his last gift told me that he knew. The peace. When my time comes, I will be equally unafraid. If I may be blessed with being with him again, it will be with greatest relief, leaving all manner of miseries behind.
"I see my Son, feel him around me, talk to him and that get's me through," you say in your comment below.
Dear Joan, I know. I feel my dad with me too, comforting when I need it, as he used to do when I was little. I have felt his presence in hospital as I was waiting to go under the knife, and the support made me unafraid. He has saved me from accidents while driving-- once, for no reason, I slowed down as I approached the crest of a hill, and did not get involved in a collision that had just happened on the other side. Another time around the curve of a snow-covered country road, I could not have avoided hitting two snowmmobilers talking in the middle of the road--and would certainly have been in the ditch from sheer surprise except for some expert help with steering. I think the most memorable one though was when my mother-in-law and I were on four-lane highway about 4 AM to get me to my 8AM lecture in university, (I went home on weekends) It was the darkest night with absolutely NO traffic in either direction. Summer 1971 I think... I was flying somewhat low, when for no reason at all I steered into the passing lane--"What was that!" Mom shouted, and in the mirror I saw two very dim headlights in the lane I had avoided. It had no back lights at all. I have always known I had seventeen guardian angels working shifts, but that was definitely my dad steering the car. It took a long time for my foot to stop shaking on the gas pedal.
Is it Faith? Belief certainly, and love that survives when we no longer do.
Loved your poem!
Terry
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time and prayer heals my friend!
It's just taking him longer to heal within his heart.
My prayers go with you!
Keep penning on one stroke at a time!
Bill
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Dear Bea,
From our daily conversations, I know what you have gone through since Brian's death and the difficulty that Bob, who unfortunately does not share your strength of faith, has in accepting the loss of his youngest son.
For a parent to lose a child through death seems to be a reversal of the natural order where children should outlive their parents. I know from my own experience on two occasions the feelings of a father whose child dies suddenly from physical failure. My own firm belief in God and in His Will is what saw me through both my twins' deaths in 1986 and 2005 respectively and which still sustains me though the pain oif loss is ever present.
I have great compassion for Bob and pray that he may receive some comfort and release and that his anger will be replaced by acceptance and the calm of resignation.
Your poem is a superb expression of your concern and a splendid piece of poetry with its intermittent pentameter second lines and couplet relieving the heptameter of the other lines.
Applause, love and hugs, XXX Hugh.
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"Life is not fair".
Dear Joan, this is a deeply moving poem, which examines not only Bob's and yours, but most parents' feelings about the death of a child. We expect that older people will die before younger ones, but that is not the rule, death comes to each at its own time.
The reactions to grief depend on previous beliefs - yours comfort you, Bob's make him angry. I'm glad that he has reached a decision about his behaviour,
you have wonderful love and patience. 
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Thank you Sweetpea, I started writing the poem as a release as well and trying to understand Bob's rages. His illness' don't help either, since he retired so many medical problems are showing up which have affected him also. But he is trying very hard to keep calm. Grief does affect everyone different, I see my Son, feel him around me, talk to him and that get's me through. Bob will come to terms with Brian's death, it'll just take him longer.
Love to you dear friend.
Joan.
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