Your paper napkin
pickup lines were
more polished
Than the bar you
slid them across
[who knew
you would
find me more
disposable]
Creased and
folded into
emotional origami
[my heart
the thousand
little swans
you used to make
your wishes
come true]
You were my
subtle reminder that
all the world
is a stage
and I was
always grasping
for thoughts during
scene change
Kept off
balance and
just slightly
out of tune
you played me
your
neglected piano,
your
five string guitar
I can’t
forget you
I’m left empty
and rusted
like an abandoned
water tower
tagged
“you were here”
Author notes
1. Name
Angelique
User Name Omei
2. Age
30
3. Amount of Poetic Experience
aprox. Three years
4. Typical/Strongest Style:
Try all different styles, I conceder my writing pretty equal across the board (I’m always a work in progress)
5. Unusual/Weakest Style
Rather than weakest style, a weakness in my writing is my tendency to be too prose at times
6. Favorite Type of Inspiration
Photography, Music, and quotes (can’t pick just one, I don‘t do well with favorites lol)
7. Amount of Multiround Experience
none
8. Some Accomplishments
Writing accomplishments… Two poems published in an AP e-book. Seven featured awards (at another site) Lead Moderator of another. Etc. blah, blah, yawn.
Regular accomplishments
Breathing in and out and repeating the process while making the best of all the other stuff
9. One Fact I Don’t Know About You:
Photography is my meditation (long hikes with my camera in hand bring me much peace)
10. Additional Comments You’d Like Me To Read
I don’t get my feelings hurt easily, (critique away) I enjoy co-writing and challenging my writing skills. My philosophy is: Every one in life has something I can learn from them. (two words to sum me up. Student, Seeker)
A contest entry
- It only hurts when I breathe (NO SUICIDE & NO CUTTING) by ellipsist.
875 points, ended December 22, 2007, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - project poetry season one [prewrite & fresh auditions] by blackday.
600 points, ended March 27, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Wow this is amazing, every line and every detail. I was only left with ah to say after I read it
Your paper napkin
pickup lines were
more polished
Than the bar you
slid them across
[who knew
you would
find me more
disposable]
I love this part...Wow!
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I really like this poem. I think it could have been more effective with like, more staccato lines like at the end. I think you have a creative twist on the cliche "i'm empty" line. I'm tired, but I'll come back tomorrow & reread. :]] good poem though.
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Thanks. Good point. I worked with the line breaks a bit, to give it more continuity with the ending stanzas breaks.
(let me know if I went a little too....Shatner. lol
I'll tweak it some more)
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"Creased and folded
into emotional origami"
Nice spill here poet... there is an immediate realization that the angst and sadness is present and I have to agree with the others, perhaps a bit of bitterness, which sometimes is our only defense to save us from absorbing a bigger pill of sorrow.. ~SoAp
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ok
nice
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It hurts, how easy this is to relate to.
"[who knew you would
find me more disposable]"
Indeed.
I got the impression, on the first read that it was all one continuous metaphor--which it's not, but they all blend so seamlessly together. Beautifully done.
"like an abandoned
water tower
tagged
'you were here'"
That last line really hit me hard...
best of luck in the contest.
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beautifully beautifully worded... I love the feeling and flow... my only issue, however, and it may be mine alone, is that I read everything in quotation marks, until the very final phrase which is the only one I see necessary to put in quotes, with a sarcastic tone... it lends, in my mind, a kind of bitterness to the piece and interrupts the sadness...
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HOLY COW! the imagery in this poem is above and beyond amazing. I think it's been quite a while since i've read such beautiful word. I mean this was out of the ordinary and took such a unique outlook on lost love. The firt stanza as well as the last impressed me the most. But i mean, every bit was beautiful and amazing!!!
FANTASTIC JOB!
WWW*
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