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Running Out Of Places To Hide From The Memories

The music promises to lead me closer to you
But spins me in a disheartening dance of circles.
Synchronicity - the snare, my heart, my anxiety -
I am living still.

The bright walls become dappled with remembrances -
Intense lust, passion and love, now wilting and ebbing,
A swish of colour and a blend of exotic culture -
Now just memories.

A silver noose, a symbol of our love, strangles me.
My own creation drains me. Without it I am naked,
Unembellished, every imperfection exposed.
I am the reason.

Author notes

(3) Unrequited Love


This poem is based on breaking up and those little reminders that are, in my opinion, ALWAYS around, like the universe rubbing it in your face...

Please be really honest, obviously diplomatic, but I'm going through a phase of needing to perfect my poems and I REALLY NEED the constructive crticism... Thanks x

In a list

In general, what do you think of the poem? Do you think I should add more? I think it still sounds somewhat unfinished, although, IMO, "I am the reason" sounds quite definite...

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Beauty Of Silence
    December 25, 2007

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    WOW!

    Dear, i feel this poem ended pretty well... and the length was brilliant! There is no need to lengthen it... whatsoever! I feel it's an amazing piece of poetry!

    I loved every line of this poem... and best of all, the tittle was catchy! Your emotions were so deep and raw in your words! And i could feel the power in your love! this is a lovely yet very sorrowful poem... and i could relate pretty well!

    Thanks for following my rules and thanks for entering! Wishing you all the best of luck in my contest!

    Much love always,
    Ranji


  • tinuelena
    December 12, 2007

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    The last verse clenches this for me. It's so absolute and final, yet the voice tells me that there's just a bit of insecurity still swimming.

    I like this because of its conciseness, so I would definitely say don't add more. Let the readers have space to think.

    Thanks for entering this; I'm looking forward to including it in the book.

    Elizabeth


  • eveningthought
    December 11, 2007

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    Seriously, sweetie, this is fantastic. It's really heartfelt and I wouldn't wanna mess with that too much. It's so full of imagery and they're all so evocative, it makes me sad:-(


  • eveningthought
    December 3, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I like it, very pretty:-) Please finish it!