Subtract static, unwrap rap
reduce results to verses
as free as the human sea.
Change cloaks often, rearrange.
Omnipresent eyes from beyond the skies
confront convention – a one sided coin.
Tolerate intolerance and everyone cares,
sense the hypersensitive and tempers flair back
off jack-in-the-box mentality.
Emancipation is robbing in the hood.
Ignore good grief it’s such a pity
How do I know, only what I see while
wide eyes ponder theories of relativity.
A contest entry
- NO GREENS! - A Rounds Contest by Idle Mind Wondering.
1700 points, ended December 18, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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I also ...
like "jack-in-the-box mentality". I think you should write a poem about that.
The only thing I didn't care for was "human sea", which doesn't seem to ring true with the rest of this, which is rather subtly ironic, whereas "human sea" just seems to smack of cliche.
What does "no greens" mean, anyway? I am guessing emerald trophies, but I don't know for sure. Not that it matters. Just idle curiosity, I guess. -
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Thank you for stopping by Jim.
I'm not surprised that there's a bit of cliche in this because it's one of the first poems I wrote after joining AP.
"no greens" refers to the honorable mention trophies - Pamela A. Lamppa (the contest host) hates them, I guess because they sort of detract from the shine of the three medal trophies.
Paul
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I like "jack-in-the-box mentality", when the little tune ends, we know he is going to jump out. I love the title, very apt.
I picked up the subtle rhyme, which doesn't jump out and startle us at first, we catch it on the rewind. It's salted and peppered with alliteration, just the right amount to be tasty, excuse me, I'm still thinking about that salad.
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Pat
Thank you for your light-hearted critique. I busted out laughing when I got to this: "...just the right amount to be tasty, excuse me, I'm still thinking about that salad." LOL
Paul
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Boffo!
Love the audibility here, the internal rhyme, the word play.
Also, there is that slightly removed perspective that allows the personality to glide from wry to gritty to edgy seamlessly.
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Thank you Tom. This was written back when I was starting to write at AP. I almost made it to the final round in that contest too.
Paul
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Wonderful combination of rhyme in unexpected places, alliteration that suggests but does not become blunt, and punning that works both as verbal in-joke and as literal statement. Much more going on here than a first read notices. Well done.
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I like this it is fun yet serious.
well done.
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Thank you for your comment IMW
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I am smiling with this neat little piece. It needs to be read aloud to get the full effect of your propelled perspectives. It really is all relative isn't it?
Great use of alliteration and you have certainly hit your prompt - often, and oh we are so near-sighted so often.
Your title is excellent.
I may have used a bit more punctuation. Capitalize the first letter of the first word, and use periods. Full thoughts deserve a full stop. I know this piece might be difficult to punctuate because it is written to be read aloud. Thinking on that a bit...
An excellent entry and a pleasure to read and enjoy. Best of luck in the judging. ~Pamela
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how 'bout this then?..
Thank you for your critique Pam. I think you're right. Some punctuation improves on the flow so I added it. I like the comment that it is to be read out loud because the more I wrote, the more it started to half-way sound like a sort of rap. That's why I originally left out the punctuation. Over all I think it does benefit from caps, periods and commas.
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i REALLY liked this... i read it through a few times so i could really get all the innuendos...great job.
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going nowhere Thank you. The prompt in this contest was the word "perspectives" It gave me an opportunity to vent about narrow mindedness.
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Awesome!!!
Myopia is a winner Best of luck in this contest!!!
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This is really Great Good Luck with it
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