Beneath the stars I had a dream
Of time to come, or so it seemed:
When you and I would return their gaze
As they enter Earth in glorious blaze.
And as the first burns out of sight
I bid you seek your heart's delight
And ask for it with pinched shut eyes
While in my hand awaits that prize--
For I have caught that star that fell
And on your hand it's prepared to dwell!
So when your pupils flicker wide,
You'll have your wish; to be my bride
And on that hill where we shall lay
You'll have my heart til end of days.
But that dream has fallen before the star
And upon that heart, you've placed a scar
That I fear shall never be fully healed;
For despite this pain, it will not yield.
Yea, still it waits for your return;
That you weren't there it hasn't learned.
So will you help me to teach it thus,
That what you gave was not love,
but lust?
Author notes
Probably the most personal poem I've ever written. I just wanted to get it expressed, and turn the loss I felt into something good.
The color scheme is a reference to the design I've made for that "star I caught," a design for an engagement ring I'll never have made or give.
For the purposes of the current contest, this applies to option 4.
A contest entry
- Options. (for lack of a better title) by Puking Faerie Dust.
900 points, ended December 29, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Teens & Young Adults by DAMSELx.
300 points, ended August 30, 2008, 101 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Lotsa Options.. Come and see!!! by FightOffYourDemons.
550 points, ended December 8, 2008, 35 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Nice job, I like the rhyme and I don;t usually like rhyme at all.
There were a few places where the flow didn't quite work because you were trying to make the rhyme work.
Of and the line near the end
"Yea, still it waits for your return;"
It would work better without the yea.
At least I think so.
Good job overall.
Thanks for entering and sharing.
Good luck -
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Thanks for the comment and the suggestion. You're right that "Yeah" sounds extremely off, and would break the flow. But the word I have there is pronounced "yay", and basically means "indeed"...really helps strengthen the voice I want, and helps maintain the flow of the poem.
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You won't get disqualified (I'm not that mean 
) and emo has turned into a lot more than just the abbreviation for emotional, nowadays.
Moving onto your poem... I thought it was great. The rhyming didn't hinder it at all, and the flow and imagery were amazing. Though, I didn't like how you ended it with a question. That's just my personal preference, though.
Thank you for entering, and good luck
Jeanette*~
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