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You are the Dusty Horizon

As a river bellows down a mountainside,

slipping over rubble, fragmented and long forgotten,

curving between hilly meadows and dense forest,

             you’re alive.

                       .

A farmer plows, loosing earth’s rich soil,

so that he may watch the fruit of his hands bloom.

And as the grains reach maturity, I know it,  

            you’re alive.

                     . 

Once from the earth, you have now returned,

cradled in its welcoming arms for all eternity.

A peaceful slumber never interrupted.

And though I know from this slumber

          you shall never awake,

          you’re alive.

                  . 

You’re in the air I breathe,

the soil I touch,

the water I sip,

you’re everywhere I am or plan to be.

                . 

As you promised, you have never left me.

Author notes

POM- sometimes even through the pain of losing someone you have to see that in reality they are still there with you in some way. "From dust you are, and to dust you will become."

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • RedwingSpirit silver member
    December 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is awesome it has excellent imagery. Good luck with it in the contests.


  • lindaburns gold member
    December 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I thought I saw some things that were
    not logical in your phrasing, but after
    reading the poem several times, I
    understood. It’s sweet and sad.


  • sans.paroles
    December 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    No grammar mistakes I saw! I love to say that.
    Your theme was kind of common, but what made it breathtaking was the way you brought it to life. Your powerful images and smooth flow, even the repetition, made this so unique and beautiful.
    I think the title is creative, but just one more image. I’d like to have seen something a bit more all-encompassing.
    I would have liked to see a bit more of your emotional feelings. Most of the poem is taken up with (admittedly gorgeous) imagery, which is great, but a bit more tell would balance your show.
    This definitely made me stop and consider the full effect of your words, even when I’m in a hurry to finish commenting!


  • trista gold member
    December 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    First impressions might not be the bottom line for a poem, but a good one certainly doesn't hurt...and my first thoughts on seeing this was that you'd set it up beautifully. I love the border and pic, and I think the smaller lettering was a fantastic choice.

    Beyond that, to the poem...
    Your imagery is wonderful, and balanced well with the thoughts. I love the theme. I have seen it done before, but you've brought your own (beautiful) perspective to it, making for a great read. Having lost my son almost 14 years ago this month...it's a poem that touches me and reminds me those we've lost are never far away.

    From reading Bear's comment and the note he sent me, I'm assuming there was a problem with the write when you first entered it, and it may be formatted a bit differently than when he read it. I thought the flow was very good, and saw no problem with the punctuation... I'm not crazy about your choice of title, but outside of that I find little here to "critique". I'm not generally a fan of repeating words, as in "slumber" in stanza 3, but it wasn't terribly noticeable. The impact isn't quite as "in your face" as some of the other entries, but still has a lot of it, IMO, and I wouldn't expect it to be anything but subtle for your theme, so nicely done.

    Thank you so much for joining us in the POM, and good luck to you. I hope you'll be joining us again in future PO contests.

    Best wishes,
    ~J.


    • Arkbear gold member
      December 1, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Julie.....

      .....did you notice that we...Zach and I, allowed for her to fix her stanzas, as her PC messed her up at the last minute, as she was in a rush to get this in before closing......I edited my score ~

      Bear ~

      • trista gold member
        December 1, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        Hi Bear,

        Yes, I rather figured that. I didn't see it before the edit... I'm glad you edited your score accordingly though, as I think this poem deserved it.


  • ZachP gold member
    December 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    wow...

    I am so glad that the formatting fixed itself out :) it looked like a short story when I first clicked, and I sighed, because all of us judges are here waiting to finish, and obviously, we can't judge a short story, lol :)

    but enough of that.

    This is an amazing poem.. delicate and thoughtful, with wonderful thoughts, and wonderful images.... and this speaks to me so much... because it's true... not only with losing somebody through death, but just being seperated from them in life....

    I have to admit that the last stanza before the closing line is a bit creepy on a literal level, but it makes such perfect sense upon deeper thought.

    I'm going to disagree with Bear on the flow, however. I think that this flowed rather well.

    I'll let the score speak the rest :)

    Good luck, and no editing

    * grammar - 9.7

    * syntax/flow - 9.75

    * understandability - 10

    * uncommon theme - 9.8

    * overall impression - 9.85

    * effectiveness of title - 9.7

    * ability to hook reader - 9.65

    * ability to follow rules - 10

    * presentation / visual appeal - 10

    * effective use of poetic devices - 9.8

    Total: 98.25

    Not bad!

     

     

    • Arkbear gold member
      December 1, 2007

      Edit | Reply

      Zach.....

      *I have to disagree with Bear on Flow.....Blaaahhhhh....the Flow was before editing.....Duuhhhhhh!

      LMBO!

      On the floor!


    • Arkbear gold member
      December 1, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      *hear*???????

      - minus 5 pts.!!!!!

  • Arkbear gold member
    December 1, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Aww........this is really sad for me to say......but once a Judge has touched your poem, it has to stay as is........and since I was Judging it as you were editing it.....I did not see your IM to me or to the other Judges ~

    Well......just remember......next time, when a poem is entered, that means it is ready for Judging and review ~

    :(

    You did well though.....there is some stiff competition this Month ~

    Bear ~

    :)

  • Arkbear gold member
    December 1, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Thank you for your entry ~

    Well....let me first welcome you to the PO' contest!

     

    :)

     

    I can see you are very fond of nature and the spiritual aspects of life as one whole ~

     

    I loved your Theme to pieces ~

     

    ....but....let me get to the parts/categories of mine, which will determine your score from me, and from some of the other Judges here in the PO' contests ~

     

    Your Flow, not bad.....a bit corrupted by your punctuation.....and speaking of which, I see you started off with the correct spacing after your commas.......and then for some reason, you started NOT leaving a space after them ~

     

    Hmmm ~

     

     

    I fet that this would have been a better *read*....had you placed it into Poetic Format, and spaced your lines into stanzas to break your Flow and Thoughts up a tad ~

     

    Other than those few things.....this is really not a bad entry ~

     

    I wish you well in this POW contest, and I hope to see you again in the future PO' contests ~

     

    Let's see how it scores on my board ~

     

    Bear ~

     

    :)

     

     

    Title   9.45

    Flow   9.7

    Depth   9.4

    Theme   9.25

    Feelings   9.3

    Grammar   9.8

    Presentation 9.75

    Uncommonness  9.9

    Sit & Ponder Affect  9.15

    Ability to follow Rules  10

    Bears Score: 96.4

    A great start with us!

     

     

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