Just when I think that moving on with my life is likely,
the depression is sliding off a bit and he and I are getting closer.
You decide to message me back, telling me that you miss me,
with lightly written x's in all of your damn texts.
[What does it mean?]
You broke up with me remember, I just let you;
you uttered the words, 'I think we should have time apart'.
After all, you were the one who ignored my messages,
the one who seemed brash and rude when I tried to talk.
I started off begging you to talk to me, email you all day,
asking for you to just love me like I thought you did.
Then I just gave up, or maybe he helped me see something,
because I care about him, I really do care about him.
[But you wont have that, will you?]
You've always liked being in control of everything,
you thought you were losing your touch, didn't you?
So you decided to try and play God again, gaining control,
just for a moment, to let me know you can do what you like,
without being caught or without being punished.
So then you make me think of all the things we used to do,
like I did when I was truly depressed, sobbing my heart out.
I cried for you and you didn't seem to be bothered then,
OK you were in physical pain and depressed yourself,
but if you really care about somebody you'll show them love.
No matter how down you are you'd want them to be around,
you'd want their hugs to keep you safe from harm.
[But no, you never asked me for any, you just lied]
Said you just wanted time alone from everyone right now,
when we both know you'd speak to nearly everyone but me.
Because I'm me, the one you thought you could control,
maybe you're right, but I'll never fucking admit it out loud.
Fuck no, I wont admit it at all, you're not my master,
damn you sometimes you just drive me to insanity.
I gave you chance upon chance, I could've grassed on you,
but I never did, even though my head wanted to.
[Even those many years ago, I still cared and was there]
No point explaining, because it's what you want isn't it,
for me to start getting into you again, wanting you.
Well, I'll never admit to it, even if it happens to be true,
because you mock me each day you message me now,
because we're supposed to be totally and utterly through.
I just want my stuff, money and glasses in the post,
you say you've sent the glasses up, I don't think you have.
They say I wont get the stuff back, I will if it kills me,
it's principle, you broke my heart, at least give me my money.
[Lets face it, you miss the sex too; you were always a horny bastard]
I wont lie and say I don't think about the way we used to make love,
how we used to be pressed against each other under the covers.
I'd push up against you to help you out as you breathed so deeply,
I'd moan for you and yes I'd come for you, which only you can make me do.
Can't do it myself and I know that I miss the intimate moments we had,
when I could feel your manly body against mine, feel your hands -
ok, I'll admit, even writing about this is driving me fucking mad.
But what can I do, I'm not just going to be around forever for the sex,
or because you decided you want me now, you calling all the shots.
[I wont be your fool anymore, I played the joker for you before]
I never wanted it to be like this, if things had turned out differently,
I wish they had, but you chose the way you played this record.
Lets face it you need[ed] me, I'm your only piece of stability,
I'm the only one who ever really showed love towards you.
I gave you forgiveness, when others just called you filthy names,
I held you close when you cried and kissed your tears away.
I comforted you late at night when you were in such pain,
I waited up for hours for you when you went to the hospital.
Because quite frankly I was worried my baby was hurting,
but your not my baby anymore, you made that fucking choice.
[No, I wont just forget it]
This might be fun for you, but is sure as hell isn't for me!
I can't mess him around with his emotions, he's a nice man,
I wont be breaking his heart because I'll break yours,
because quite frankly, you've broken my heart already.
Did you care then, then why the fuck should I care now?
I'm sick of just sitting back and taking what you give,
I'm not a waiter, so I'm not waiting for the bill.
The price is high anyway and I'm not backing down,
I'm not going to play pretend and act like all is alright.
Your friends can blame me I don't really give two fucks,
because I've been a nice good girl for far too fucking long!
[you still are in my eyes baby]
Oh cut the crap, it's sex you're after again I take it.
But I wont take it, no fuck off, if I want that, I'll get it elsewhere.
I'll get it from him, at least he wouldn't play mind games,
he'd listen to what I had to say and he'd never try and force me.
[you promised you'd try to forget what I done in the past, it's all different now]
I know I promised, but you can't always forget attempted rape,
you can't always forget sexual assault, paedophilia and cannabis.
OK maybe it's not proper paedophilia, but it's still the same,
14-15 year old girls aren't supposed to be the right age.
Things are different you say, well really I can't fucking tell,
because you're back to your aggressive old messed up self.
The side I fought to keep from you, the side you supressed,
for me I'm not deny that and in a way I'm kind of impressed.
But you said you'd never hurt me emotionally or physically,
well for the former you have done that of late plenty.
Physically perhaps now, because you're moods aren't even,
but hell what do I know, I'm just a bloody woman right?
[Oh Stef . . .]
Fuck you, just fuck you, alright, I can't be with this right now.
I don't want to deal with your unsolved issues, make up your mind.
I'd advise to do it fast and I'd advise for you to stick with it,
because I wont be bouncing back and forth through relationships.
Just because you may want me back doesn't mean I'll take you either,
just don't be so fucking pompous, I know you don't love yourself.
Remember, I know you the best and don't think I fucking don't,
even the stuff you tried to hide I found out, so don't even say it.
The problem is you know me too and you know I really hurt,
but damn the hurts anger now and it's real, can't you feel it?
Just pray that I'm nice to you, pray that I wont bring you down,
because one more peep of sexual assault or paedophilia,
I'll be heading straight down town my friend.
[fuck you then... no I didn't mean it, I love you really, don't let me go. He doesn't love you, I do. It's just a phase. I done things wrong. Please . . . You're the only good thing in my life]
Then I must say, you're the only bad thing in my life [or the worst anyway].
Adding your comment:
