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I Turn on That Light in My Eyes to Find My Lies

 

What if everything we thought

 

  Wasn't how it's

 Supposed to be?

 

 

I'm seeing things

  

       Though the only Light

      And for some reason

 

The roaches aren't scattering...

 

  They're havin' fun,

    Just bein' bugs,

      Living in the mess they've made...

 

Maybe they're blind

To all but darkness...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments


  • Idle Mind Wondering silver member
    December 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I love the metaphor. This has great potential.

    Capitalization and lack of expereance with punctuation have reduced this poems standing - greatly.

    However, I am looking forward to your next attempt.


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    December 15, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    You have used metaphor very will to hit this prompt hard. This piece is short, tight, and trim. Nice work.

    Personally, I would stay away from capitalizing every line. It distracts from the poem and trips up the flow some, but that is an easy fix.

    I question these lines:

    "I'm seeing things

    Though the only Light
    And for some reason

    The roaches aren't scattering..."

    I am thinking it should be "through" instead of "though," just a typo which is another easy fix.

    Something like this will flow and drive your point home.

    I'm seeing things
    through the only Light,
    and for unknown reasons,
    the roaches aren't scattering...

    I like the capitalization of "Light" for its effect.

    Your title is long. You might want to find a way to shorten it. To brainstorm a bit, perhaps "The Light that Finds my Lies" or something like that. Just a thought.

    A well done piece. Very thoughtful and insightful. A very very good entry for this contest and you have touched this prompt very well.

    Thank you for your entry and best of luck in the judging. ~Pamela


  • Blue Rew silver member
    December 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The title is potent as well as the ending which prompts contemplation of deeper things. I did
    question 'though' wondering if you meant 'through'.
    I adore metaphor and this is certainly original
    and provoking. Blue


  • going nowhere
    December 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    what a strong ending.. and a great image you've given here... and something that is staying with me to think about...