Sweet moonlight presses against my bare window
As the black churns with the drips of silver light
I catch a fallen star upon my calm window pane
by a right palm, I so place on my tender eyes
where its shine beats like a man’s hardened thrust
There a clock falls as the moon sways heavenly
fifthteen stars moving with the black churns
I catch this sweet face seeing through my same opening
he knocks with grace and beautiful innocents
I open it through my deceased lovely memories
as his hands takes my body out my pure bedroom
he kisses me and we churn with the moving stars
then by the pleasing moon, we make sweet love
such handsome and wonderful man ohh he truely was
as my heart would sway like one peacful rose
under the shine of his body upon mine...ohhh
my starry sweet soft silver sway
~~~~~
In a list
A contest entry
- Give me your best fantasy number 2! by Lively Matter.
625 points, ended December 15, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Celticmoon's and Leander's glue a trophy on my Prewrite by leander.
800 points, ended March 27, 2008, 74 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PRE-WRITES! ROUNDS CONTEST!!! by Luminescence.
525 points, ended March 23, 2008, 176 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Itaz Anudder Kontest by lindaburns.
2110 points, ended March 3, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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please do not do that again i my poetry. -
sweet
very nicely done!
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Thank you for entering my contest but this isn’t exactly what I am looking for. Please check spelling on fifteen, truly, and peaceful.
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This is quite a beautiful and sweet poem that you have written here
All the imagery you have used within these lines are definately a nice touch of detail
I have found some little oopsies here and there:
Line 7: 'Fifthteen' -> fifteen?
Line 9: 'innocents' -> innocence?
Line 11: 'his hands takes' -> his hands take?
Line 15: 'peacful' -> peaceful?
Thank you for entering the contest - I wish you all the best!
Leander -
I really like you poem alot, but I have to be honest and tell you that this purple font is a bit harsh on the eyes. I was like
ouch!
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Because of the abundance of entries into the contest... I will not be breaking down the score... but will be quick commenting.... your score is...36 ... out of 40.. thank you for entering and participating in my contest, and good luck,
~luminescence -
I did enjoy this piece and the idea and sentiment behind and within it; however, I found several words that have been repeated several times through this short piece. Repetition is something one needs to be careful using. It can make or break a piece depensing on howoften it is used.
Thank you for entering.
Best of luck to you!
Blessings
Bel
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I like the idea of this poem. Thank you for your participation. Your score is: Title:10 Diction:5 Syntax:7
Wowness factor:8 Total:30. Good luck. Shancy. -
Well written and versed--Very easy to read with excellent flow---You have a lot of talent and I admire your work! Well Done!!
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0_0 hmmmmm, I'm not quite sure but it seems that you were pretty much flirting with the edge of one of the rules there, but oh well a fantastic write if i do say so, imigary is almost to good to be in the contest lol ^_^ lovely write thanks for entering and good luck!
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where its shine beats like a men’s hardened thrust
Their a clock falls as the moon sways heavenly
fifthteen stars moving with the black churns
I catch this sweet face seeing through my same opening
as my heart would sway like one peacful rose
This piece has great potential.
beats like a "man's" hardened thrust
"there," a clock falls as the moon sways heavenly
you catch a sweet face seeing through your opening, and what did you do? were you scared, I bet not, freak. Just messing with you. if you see a face seeing through your opening, you need to start keeping you opening close.
as my heart would sway like one "peaceful rose"
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