What is that you see,
with your eyes open at me?
Something good or something bad?
Someone sane or far gone mad?
Happiness, torrents of tears?
Great courage or cowardice's fears?
Honesty or trails of lies?
Am I liked or quite dispised?
What am I in your eyes?
Playfulness, or sober Pete?
Strong or pre-knocked off my feet?
Sweet smiles or grumbling frowns?
Do I inspire ups, or downs?
Varied or uniform?
Dull? Or interests spawn?
Am I outgoing, or something new?
Hard to read or see straight through?
Who are you to judge ME anew?
It doesn't matter, don't you see?
What your eyes find all around.
We're all the same, she, me, you, he -
though rather variant, I've found.
Deep within, we're all the same,
So no problems ought to arise.
Emotions & thoughts all form unchanged
We're all the same, without our eyes.
We live in the same place,
to get along we ought to strive.
Author notes
>.<
To draw you to acknowledge of your perception of the world.
From the perception of a sarcastic make of a girl-child, well, her perception of others' perceptions.
A contest entry
- NO GREENS! - A Rounds Contest by Idle Mind Wondering.
1700 points, ended December 18, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Feedback please! Your eyes' words help my vision... :-) Cheers for looking :-D
Comments
-
Your attempt is well noted and received but your form of single sentences is choppy, restrictive and competes with the rhyme for flow. when writing a poem of short statements the couplet and the use of semi-colons is a better form. still I like your direction.
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Oh I just loved your beginning rhymed couplets and wish you had continued to carry them through to the end. They are not always easy to do effectively but yours were done quite well.
I did like the questioning very much because is just shows so much expression.
Your take on the prompt is very good and though it is wrong, people do judge each other on the oddest things. The color of your sweater or the color of your eyes. The hue in your lipstick or perhaps silly lies... I wonder if humanity will ever change? Ahh but that does beg the question.
I wish you would take these lines and revamp to stay within your rhymed couplet structure.
Who are you to judge ME anew?
It doesn't matter, don't you see?
What your eyes find all around.
We're all the same, she, me, you, he -
though rather variant, I've found.
Deep within, we're all the same,
So no problems ought to arise.
Emotions & thoughts all form unchanged
We're all the same, without our eyes.
We live in the same place,
to get along we ought to strive.
Perhaps re-work the judgment question to:
"and who are you to judge me new"?
Same idea, just a little softer for a tougher effect.
Thank you for your entry and best of luck in the judging. ~Pamela
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'We're all the same, without our eyes.'
WHOA! i was reading along and enjoying this poem when POW!! those words hit me really hard... we are all the same without our eyes.... wow... that says it SO clearly, yet it gives a lot to think about. great job.
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