. . . and in a moment, he came to me. Hold me . . .
requested from my cold lips.
. . . and in my insane moments, I would pull him over me,
my cold blanket.
Causing quick shivers that chilled my body with his
vacuous stares,
(damn it, let me in!)
. . . but his eyes that stared at me. Love me . . .
requested from my shivering fingertips.
. . . but his hair ran through my fingers, like sand away from me,
my cold blanket.
Causing me to shiver, letting me cry in his
cold arms,
(damn it, let me go!)
. . . leave me to shiver without my cold blanket.
REVISION - 1/6/08
. . . for a supple moment, he came to me. Hold me . . .
requested from my bitter lips.
. . . for our immediate insanity, I pulled him over me.
My cold blanket.
Causing quick quivers that chilled my body with his
vacuous stares,
(damn it - let me in; let me know!)
. . . though his eyes fixed upon me. Love me . . .
requested from my shivering fingertips.
. . . through his hair ran through my fingers, like sand away from me.
My cold blanket.
Causing shuddering tears that dissolved down past his
glacial arms,
(damn it - let it be; let me go!)
. . . leave me to shiver without my cold blanket.
Author notes
O Sweet Spontaneous! Will come back in a few days to re-work, improve and accept suggestions!
1/6/08 - received a few suggestions and have employed them. Now I know why the last verse of Kubla Khan was so different from the rest of the poem. When Sam came back to his poem was it that the rythym was interupted or just his opium had wore off?
It is difficult to find the momentum and the moment again once a poem has already flooded down the hand to the paper.
Awesome contest - intellectual and forces the writer to examine the writing process.
A contest entry
- Spontaneous vs. Contrived Combust by ErrantHeart.
600 points, ended February 13, 2008, 11 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Congrats on your Silver medal...well deserved...PK
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So glad you got this one. The first one I still think was your best. Spontaneity is something else Congrats!!
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oh wow, i like both poems the raw, and the revision. i love the imagery of him being the cold blanket. there is nothing more concrete than "substituting" a human for a material objet. great write, but i think i like the raw version best. (just by a margin though they were both wonderful)
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The poem has a wonderful expression of stream of thought, reactions and wants, all traced out in textures and sensations. Like the way life sometimes unfolds in short bursts of realization... this is excellent and a bold style...PK
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in the spontaneous version I see the miscues of love out of sync- when one is up, the other is down...
the rewrite doesn't flow as swiftly, the word 'supple' is like a thick hedge... you're searching for more 'poetic' words, and find them, but they do not enhance the underlying image... the reworked version is more attractive visually, however, so if a poem is merely how words lie on the page, the reworked version is an improvement... HEY! You could combine them into TWO nights, since they are suttle in their differences, and each holds its own nuance on the deteriorating relationship...
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Oh yay and goody you got it to me! Though I hope you didn't rush it, there is plenty of time. I just thought perhaps you had forgotten.
I read your notes and agree, loss of momentum...loss of the moment can downgrade the initial feelings that got the ball rolling in the first place. And unfortunately for this contest you perhaps felt a forced need to edit something which to many of our eyes only needed some tidying brush strokes.
Off the cuff, I don't have the flow of read that I felt in the first version. You felt you had overused some words, such as 'moment' and 'cold' which I don't think was necessarily the case, coldness being the main theme of things, no harm in carrying that on throughout.
I shall boldly say I am not enamored with the addition of 'supple' nor of 'bitter'. I do see your concern, but wonder if the changes are for the better.
This poem has scads of potential. I think you added instead of paring and tweaking here and there.
I'm going to stop there for now but would love to chat more about this if you like.
I'm glad you are finding value in the contest. I certainly have enjoyed your entry.
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'Value' isn't even the word that defines what I think of the contest! It's great - I'm not trying to kiss ass here . . . your comments made me realize even more that thinking too much about diction and toiling away, pouring over the in's and out's of a poem can sometimes be too much and make a mess out of things . . . I guess the key is to learn when to stop monking around with it. How did Jackson Pollock know when just one more stoke would make it perfect?
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Knowing when to quit is a dilemma that we all face, and I think often many of us tend to suffer brain frazzle as to just when enough is enough...or even...simply trusting to leave well enough alone.
I do honestly think that often less is more. Also, if you're pleased with something initially and know you've got something beneath the pen, on the page, do not then begin to overthink it. Well meaning advisors can point you in the wrong direction for your poem. It is yours. Our eyes see our versions, only yours can see yours and bring it shining to the surface. Only your heart can truly set the stage...make us see.
I like the initial concept. I'm not sure I care for all the ellipsis...might be overkill. Shiver is definitely a word overused, reread your poem out loud, what do you think? Does it stand out too too much?
Definitely keep working on the first version as I think it has wonderful potential. For the purposes of this contest though I think your spontaneous and contrived versions have shown a lot.
Please don't worry about scrapping the second version, there may be those who prefer it to the original...all in the eyes of the beholders after all. But, when you know you've got it right in your mind and heart, that is when that beauty is done and you can place your happy stamp on it.
I am pleased with your entry and you've certainly given me enough to work with for my final deliberations.
By all means though, let us keep the discussions going if you'd like, and keep sharing your changes. And above all trust your gut, when your revisions are done, when your poem is all lovely and shining...you'll know.
Also, sometimes results will be best if you know when to stand back, tuck it away for awhile and then re-tackle it when your mind is fresh or you're back in the moment...and then pounce and wrestle it to the finish!
I plan to shut down the contest for judging on Jan. 31, as I think it's winding down, any momentum being lost.
Thanks again.
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I like it---very urgent
it'll be interesting to see what you do with it -
Hi there. It's been a long few days!!!
We wait baited.
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this was amazing. If this was off the top then I really look forward to the revision. Even though it shouldn't be much
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No need to work on perfection. IMHO
Joe
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Wow. The preverbial come, no go, no come here. I wonder sometimes what we are really afraid of or if we really realize we do far more pain to ourselves than any chance at love could ever do.
Very nice.
John
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I absolutely love this piece!
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O Sweet Spontaneous as right. It will be interesting to see what final form this takes. Thanks for entering.
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looking forward to this...PK
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