~♥~
You claimed you had no heart and that you'd never love someone again. After being broken by love, you'd never lift a finger to it again. She tore you apart, made you feel inhumane [it's been 6 years and it still causes you pain].
You begged me to leave you be, to not push a friendship or relationship. I defied you, like I defy authority. I wanted you, there was just something about you, that seemed different - something I wanted. Maybe it was just the fact you were out of bounds, that made me lust for you?
Months and months went by, friendship bobbed up and down. Sometimes we'd argue, go some weeks without talking, you always didn't like me showing affection. I started saying I loved you when I'd been drinking [sometimes when sober] and you didn't feel right, so you'd ignore me. We had our differences in the past anyway, you are 6 years older than I and the first time we talked I was 14, so they called you a paedophile.
I'm nearly 18 now and you are still an eiffel in my eye, sweet darling, but recently I've been depressed. You supported me and have gradually got close to me. From those days when you said you didn't have a heart, those days you said you refuse to give away any care [because you said you didn't and that's just who you are].
You said, 'i've let my guard down' and then I knew, you must care for me. Days later, 'I'm sorry I haven't said that I ... loved you, it's just I want to mean it'. Then, just minutes later, you do. I love you, is uttered, with a sigh of relief and fear, as I am stunned to silence.
You just dedicated your heart to me, like it was in a constelation.
This would make things different, most definately. I'm not with my ex boyfriend anymore and maybe you and I will be. At first, you refused to tell people we talked, then you realised it's the only way we can be together, friends or more. So we'll come out and that means a lot, it's a big sacrifice for me too, because that means that Karl and I really are through [permanently] as I'll have to put my foot down.
I don't want him, or at least I didn't think so, but I've had dreams . . .
I can't help the mind games I play with myself and the late night thoughts of the sex we had [that you don't know about]. You think i'm a virgin and I damn wish I was, you're a better man than he ever was. But I can't totally forget him, he's my first love. James before me I cared for, but it wasn't the same. It's just a little tragedy, that's left to rot in my heart.
Who'll take my heart, who'll take my hand and ultimately will understand? I don't know I guess, it's not always that easy to know. I care for them both and in many different ways. S you're my soul mate and I wont deny that in any way, but I can't think of my ex while we are together, it wouldn't be far. What do I do, where do I go from here?
I guess only time will tell.
~♥~
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