entity of earth and water wooden
flight straining to at-one with air with fire--
feather beak and claw poised over hot blood
turgid earth-blood scorching pinnacle/lair
mail-linked feathered head glacier-pale eyes
not-white/not-blue translucent glare/stare/dare-
ing eight-foot wingspan arched/stretched\arced essays/
conspires/aspires to ascend beyond bare
stark-laced granite shoulders barren pine-knot
tops burdened with two thousand pounds of nest-
ling twigs/branches\moss earth-dead plant-nest that
flings wings outward upward skyward air-crest
outline dark against cerulean light
curving up-/out-/skyward coveting flight
A contest entry
- Eagles. by warrior-eagle.
300 points, ended December 19, 2007, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - EAGLE - THE POWER OF THE GREAT SPIRIT by maa.
676 points, ended December 19, 2007, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For the love of god CONFUSE ME by h202.
450 points, ended February 10, 2008, 64 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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well this certainly abandons all traditional thought of punctuation and grammar, though it does have its own flow, broken and jagged as it may be. it also sometimes feels run-on ish. that's really the only thing i didn't like.
a lot of lines here i really like. too many to list. more or less all of them actually, but i kind of feel like you could string them better somehow or more smoothly. it's all connected brilliantly by the earth and nature imagery, but somehow still seems choppy.
i can't decide if i like the slash mark use or not. i definitely see where it mirrors meaning in the poem, for example in line 8, and i do respect that. but it seems cheesy or slightly simple. in the same line, line 8 that is, i do really like how "stretched" stretches apart the arch of the two slash marks though, which is in turn mirrored by the arch of the eagle's outspread wings. that is really fucking good. nice write. thanks for entering.
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Thanks for the extensive response, for acknowledging those places where the poem didn't quite work for you (we learn more from that than from unalloyed praise, I think), for the contest, and for the gold. All much appreciated. And I'm glad it confused you.
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if this is not the most unique and unconventional sonnet that I have ever read ...
I just saw dozens of images quickly parading on my mind's screen, not continuously, like in a film, but rather like in a slide-show watched at high-speed ... which makes me think that the author must have a very vivid and sharp mind ...
this poem has definitely surprised me ...
thank you so much for sharing,
maa
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I appreciate your comment on the poem. the way you read it--as a kind of slide-show of images--is precisely how it is intended to be read. It is an 'elemental sonet', a form that tries to push traditional sonnet requirements as far as possible while at the same time trying to penetrate to the essence, or 'elementals', of the subject. Your response is just what the poem wants. Thanks again.
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I do not know much about sonnets and so cannot really comment on the form/syllables/meter/rhyme. But, I like the word choice of your poem and your explanation of what an elemental sonnet is. I like the first stanza of your sonnet a lot.
All the best in maa's contest,
Charishma
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Thank you. This one is designed to focus less on form/syllables/meter/rhyme than on words and their associations. So youwent right to its deepest intent.
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Beautiful imagery!
You captured the haunting magic of Indian lore Thank you for allowing the spell to become one that is shared
Wishing you and yours much success in all of your endeavors
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This is so beautifully unique, that I even forgive you for using the word "cerulean". More than compensated for with "\arced essays/ ... the punctuation actually looks like wings! I'm certain that I've never read anything closely resembling this sonet. Fantstically creative!
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Wonderful sonnet about eagles and one with excellent images--"glacier-pale eyes" and "arched/stretched/arced essays." Good luck in the contest!
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I found this interestingly wonderful. The vivid image is captivating with an image that is smooth and continuous with no apparent Volta. The flow is well done with the abcb rhyme scheme. I also like the originality of using a hyphen to keep a line in rhyme and in decasyllable. I looked up “Elemental Sonet” and found nothing so I’m assuming this is an original creation. Thank you for the wonderful poem, I see an awful lot of skill in your masterpieces.
Love,
Amera
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Thanks for the close reading. "Elemental Sonet" is what I call a series of poems that began by my reducing the sonnet to its fundamental requirements...then further fragmenting the result by breaking up syntax, dividing words, using unconventional punctuation, all in an attempt to create the essence of a poem, to communicate meaning as obliquely and indirectly as possible while still retaining the formal structure of sonnet. It's fun to explore and occasionally results in some intriguing pieces.
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