Bear
with me,
just one bit.
One more try now,
this is hard you know.
I will get the hang of it;
one more try and it will sit.
I will try this form,
out of the norm,
with all wit
that I'll
bear.
First
attempt,
I will fail.
Difficult part,
from the very start.
Diamonds on a chain of rhymes:
do this again many times.
Could you tell me this:
whether it is
head or tail
that come
first?
Chance,
thought I
will give up.
With words I play;
poem is like clay.
Not a hope that I could win,
with the shape this write is in.
Go back to the school,
I'm such a fool.
Give the cup
just one
chance.
© Jim T. Henriksen
November 30th, 2007
Author notes
POM!!! This poem was written for Arkbears Poem of the Month - POM contest, and is my first attempt on writing an Arkquain String, a form created by Arkbear. The subject is about trying new forms, and the stress of a poet facing a challenge. Each poet is his own worst critic, and the self doubt is the worst judge.
Arkbear defined Arkquain String as a poem with three stanzas, running up 1 to 5 syllables, two lines with 7 syllables, and running down 5 to 1 again. The two lines with 7 syllables are also to rhyme. I did not see this point where I found the Arquain String, but in Arkbears own page, but first and last word in each stanza should rhyme too. To make the challenge harder, I put in more rhymes, both in couplets, and distant words rhyming.
In a list
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
2625 points, ended December 1, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 39 of 39
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Interesting Form -- Excellent Writing
I like rhyme
All the time
But diamond form
Is not my norm! -
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I wrote this poem knowing it would not win, and the poem in it self demonstrate how difficult it is to write form poetry. Thanks for commenting, I appreciate it!
Jim
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Each poet is his own worst critic, and the self doubt is the worst judge.
--- almost true besides me, i know i write good, dont need no one to tell me different! haha. great write! very inspireing! -
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Victor!
Long time no see! How are you, king of the dragons? I am happy you feel confident in your writing, unfortunately not everyone feels that way. Thanks for the comment, it means a lot to me, my friend. By the way, check out my other new poems, you will like them. Jim
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Wonderful job here. I love Bears forms but dont tell him i said that. I love to annoy him and he just falls for it all the time
.
Loved this.
Hope you win....*waits impatiently****
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I promise,
I won't tell Bear your told me not to tell him... Unfortunately the contest is over, and I did not win anything, not even HM. Too low score from every judge, I reckon. Thanks for commenting, and thanks for the applause. 
Jim
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Oh whatever...he will here from me now...sorry sap! This should of placed..Okay well....hmmm...tell him Torys going to hun him down with her whip. Hes been bad..
that will get him....
Tory
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I see you've received good comments here. Show them to your playful muse and ask her to stay with you more and write for you more and more poems.
lil sis
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Well, this was a first time in a new style, and both full of typos, gramatical errors, and flawed shape. The form was successfull, and the story was understandable, though. I also entred this in a high-end monthly contest, I guess it was just the reward that tempted my muse, but only half-hearted it seems... My muse seems to be back again now though, atleast for a while.
Thanks for commenting! Jim
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There are a few grammar errors in there, so do some rereading!
Since this is shape poetry, I have to look at the shape a bit, and the last stanza does need some work!
I would have liked some more imagery. The metaphor of poetry as clay was good; expand on that! Also, the “diamonds on a chain of rhymes” was a pretty way of describing the arkquain string. Very creative! You show so much promise, and clearly know how to create a powerful image, just use more of it, to balance your show and tell. Right now the poem is mostly tell with just a bit of show. You need more imagery to even the balance.
Emotionally I would have liked a bit more out of you. You did show the frustration and the trials of starting a new form, but use more powerful words to describe that, so the reader really FEELS what you're saying. You take mostly a light tone.
Good title, I think it really sums up what your feelings are on working with poetry.
Overall, you need some tweaking with grammar and balance of show and tell. Work with the images you've already got in there to expand them and balance things out. -
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I would be very grateful if you could point out the grammar errors. This IS form poetry, and the rules hinder proper grammar, especially on the short lines. I know I probably dug my own grave as I added even more rules of my own, adding extra rhymes in the poem. As to expanding the pottery metaphor, again, this is form poetry, so there is not much room to do that. This was a bad poem for the contest, I normally write much better than this. Thanks for the comment, I will probably delete the poem, it was a failure.
Jim
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grammar errors:
"I will get the hang of it,/one more try and it will sit." the comma at the end of that first line needs to be a semicolon. Two independent clauses can only be separated by a semicolon (or a period, or a comma and a conjuction).
Also, lines "Diamonds on a chain of rhymes,/do this again many times." That comma would be much better off as a colon. The same thing with the line after it "Could you tell me this," it should be "Could you tell me this:" for the best grammatical style.
The lines "With words I play,/poem is like clay." should be separated by a semicolon, as in the first grammar mistake.
Sorry I didn't have time for this earlier! It's really rough to correct every single grammar mistake on every single poem when you already have to comment on and score 20 of em.
Hope this helps; message me with any questions!!
I don't think this poem is a failure. I think it's a starting point to build from. I do think shape poetry can use poetic devices, so don't get discouraged and give up. This poem has so much going for it.
~E
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Interesting
Never saw this before!
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Thank you
for your comment, and the applause! Jim
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hi dear bro
wow...I see your MUSE is back with you.
Trying a new form? That's great. A big BRAVOOOOOOOO
Wish you luck in the contest.
P.S. Please post more poems or I'd think your muse is very playful.
btw...my new ID. stands for Iranian muse.
Shahrzad
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Hi, lil' sis!
I was not fortunate to win, actually the score was quite low, I do not know why...
My muse IS very playful, she loves playing hide and seek. Thanks for commenting, and thanks for the applause! Jim
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Kudos to you for trying a new form, and then having the courage to enter it in the POM. I also appreciate your putting the form's requirements in the AN, since I am not that familiar with it. As far as the form itself goes, I think you did pretty good. Not quite the perfect shape, but still pleasing to the eye. The subject and content of the poem doesn't give me a big "wow" factor, yet I think it's good in that it encourages people to try something new. I do score on "imagery" and this doesn't have much in that regard...also "depth of feeling" won't score quite as well. You've done a nice job though, and there's a lot here you can be proud of.
Thanks so much for your entry, good luck and best wishes,
~J. -
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That's ok...
I knew I would not score good on every aspect, and you are right, the imagery was replaced with metaphors, and the depth of feeling was replaced with irony. I hoped for a scoreboard like Bear and Rose added, but it is just so I can get a feeling of how I stand in the contest. Thanks for the comment, I appreciate it!
Jim
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OK......no brownie points........
,,,,,however.....your Theme, Thoughts, Flow, Creativity and syllable count are going raise your score in some areas which could have used a bit of work ~
I think your WOW factor is missing.....but your humor took care of that ~
I think your ability to draw us in, is a Bonus as well.....or maybe it was because I know your topic OOOHHHHH SOOOOO wellllllll ~
You have attempted to bring Form into the POM contest....BRAVERY!
.....and.....you did such a frikkin good job at it ~
Although......as you know.......I am a Formed Poetry Nut....and the Form, Aesthetic Appeal and Shape are always 75% of your score......so...let's see how it scores for this contest...ok?
....oh.....and for thought......your Flow was superb.....even with this shape and strict restrictions on Form and syllable count!
Great job....and this is going to be scored fairly....even though it is my Form ~
Thank you for giving Credit ~
You crack me up.... :)
Good luck!
Bear ~
Title 10
Flow 9.95
Depth 9.8
Theme 10
Feelings 9.85
Grammar 9.3
Presentation 7.75
Uncommonness 10
Sit & Ponder Affect 10
Ability to follow Rules 10
Bears Score: 96.65
Woo Hoo!
You Rock!
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Bravery?????OH you just wait Mr Bear....Torys coming for you.....
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I was not looking for brownie points, "bear" is actually the correct word to use in this case, according to the dictionary. "Bear" is in general used in cases reflecting strength, or other traits the bear is known for. I chose the Arkquain String, form because it appealed to me, and I was actually going to write something in that style for your Arquain String contest (picture of a swan?), then found out that it would fit better in the POM contest...
Thanks for the high score, I hope it is enough to win the contest. Oh, and thanks for the comment, it means a lot!
Jim
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line 1 -- should be 'bare'
Other than that, I found this to be a so-so write... I've had trouble writing in this form, especially since they were in Bear's contests, and we all know how much of a perfectionist he is with his forms (and we love him for it :) ).
So I am going to take a leaf out of Bear's book, and note that the shape of these poems could have been much better... whenever you're trying to write in this form, you ought to look for the perfect diamond shape.... and that wasn't happening here.
Still, a very original theme, and some nice thinking done on your part. Very relatable.
Good luck, and NO EDITING!!
* grammar - 9.7
* syntax/flow - 9.4
* understandability- 10
* uncommon theme - 9.85
* overall impression - 9.5
* effectiveness of title - 9.45
* ability to hook reader - 9.3
* ability to follow rules - 10
* presentation / visual appeal - 9.25
* effective use of poetic devices - 9.35
Total: 95.8
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I changed "bare" to "bear" (before the judging) because I looked it up in the dictionary, and found the word was in fact "bear". Also found this on the web, so I can link it here. Look at the two or three first definitions of "bear". http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/bear
Thanks for the comment, and for giving me such a high score, even if the poem was not perfect. I am not asking for a re-evaluation based on the part about looking it up in dictionary, just wanted to point it out.
By the way, I know the diamonds are not perfect; they are uncut. Also, I wrote about the poem is like clay; hard to shape, and if you are not an expert in pottery - eh, poetry, it is hard to get it right the first time.
Jim -
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Another entrant pointed it out to me soon after I posted it... and I did make an adjustment to your score
and uncut diamonds... that's very true, but it's still a bit harsh on the eyes
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In regard to my 'bare' comment, please disregard... I'm wrong
Even us smarties mess up sometimes
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challenge successful!
You definitely like challenges ^^
I personally do not try styles that much... I do free verse because I am NOT capable of doing what you did here. You've explored the process of writing poetry through a poem...wow! a dangerous theme because there is always the threat of it being too down to earth, but you've carried it out with beauty and imagery... "Diamonds on a chain of rhymes," (an example I particularly liked) and the idea of the poem being clay.etc...
I think you have succeeded everything you had planned out to achieve in this piece. It's definitely unique and very deep.
This makes me wonder... Did you plan out the piece or did you just write it spontaneously?
A very beautiful poem!
oneshot
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Mission accomplished!
I always write spontaneous, I never plan the subject in front. I let my muse tell me what to write, and if it is good, I even search for pen and paper to write down the essence of the idea, right there and then. When I sit at my computer, having noticed a new contest, etc., I just start with a blank contest poem page, and look at it, imagining the poems form, next my muse starts to fill in the lines... I know this sounds loco but that is how I feel it. I do not think of what to write. If I try to think poetry, I fail. I have a strange philosophy; I am a positive pessimist. Think of it. Thanks for the comment, and for the applause, my friend. Jim
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Wow... you definitely have a very strong muse ^^ Positive pessimist... Hmm yes I have to think of that. Someone who is used to be pessimistic and therefore lives in harmony with it?
heehe.
Always a pleasure to read your work!!!
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I struggle with haiku let alone this strange configuation I have to applaude you for mastering such a difficult form, bravo
and good luck in the contest
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Thank you
for your nice comment, and for the applause. Yes, I love to try new forms, it makes me push myself to show I handle things under stress, I guess... Jim -
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You are very welcome Jim
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I can see you are doubting yourself with this new form. Excellent choice of wording for the prompt and I like how you added to the rhyming. It seems as though my bro is back and in top form with this most magnificent work. Can I get a few of those diamonds? LOL This is absolutely wonderful and I wish you the best in the contest with it. Go for that gold bro. Thanks for sharing with all of us the gift of your pen. Smooooooooooooth!!!!! Love and hugs for you and the family from your sis, Joyce
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I'll give you
a handful of the diamonds, see? ♦♦♦ Now put them on a string, and still they will not shine as much as you do. I thought it would be fun to write about a poet having doubt, as every poet doubt whether the work is good enough. The form was hard, but I love a challenge, so I went ahead and added a little more rhymes. Thanks for the wonderful comment, and for the always present applause! Hugs to you and your husband, from the Starhiker family. Jim
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I have already difficulties in writing a Rictameter, so this is amazing. You managed to write 3 diamonds, which even rhyme and you tell someting also. Very good. My compliments. Anna.
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You know...
Nothing is impossible, if impossible is nothing. I guess I live by Yodas motto; "Try not. Do." Thank you for your nice comment, and your applause, I appreciate it a lot! Jim
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I've attempted this...
believe me, I know what it took! Best of luck in the contest.
Write on!
*PEACE*
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Thank you,
I bow gratiously for your applause. Yes, the form was hard, but not as hard as it was writing my last one. I love form poetry, and trying new forms, mixing familiar with unknown, and giving a new twist on something old, is something I find quite interesting. I am sure you can manage to write an Arkquain String aswell, if not a string, atleast a regular Arkquain? Thanks again! Jim
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