In pale grey I walk
With coattails like flagellum
Darkness recedes from me - stalking from afar.
Contorted
steps
on
cracking
lumbar.
Harmony disgraced / perfection deformed
I am the bringer of malevolent storms.
Transformed… with a poison-tapped spinal
Like a myriad of thoughts on skipping vinyl.
Under duress -
You can rest upon the rocks wearing my skin
As I sit by slowly dying candlelight
Ignoring the hymns of my twin.
By: Jaye Eryk
Copyright ©2007
A contest entry
- I want genious, abstract, something deep. by BigE.
300 points, ended December 6, 2007, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Non-monosyllabic comments welcomed
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Great write!!!
Thanks for entering!
Trent
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ARSOME!
great poem ,good flow
well done! -
Irresistible, this is. It really sucks you in. And being as abstract as it is, while I can relate to something buried deep within it, I have to read it through several times to understand it, and still it is veiled. The mystique you have created here is exquisite and mercifully withstanding. The character in this piece is intoxicating. It reverbates within the soul and causes the figurative spine to quiver. This takes talent to do this, and you certainly possess it. Very, very well done, I find very few poems that I enjoy or contemplate this much.
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wow... your use of rhyme is kind of intoxicating... you always utilize it so well - it is anything but simplistic and it never feels or forced or interrupts flow... it is just the kind of rhyme that I, the abhorrer of like sounds, crave - quite especially when it is combined with such dark imagery - thought provoking and stark - the end, in particular...
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you were well deserving of the gold...even the ones that you don't enter in contests!!
Whenever I read your work, I feel like I've stumbled upon a hidden treasure that has been overlooked. It's so amazing the way you magically (or in your case, it's called talent) place the perfect words together. It's like you can see the layout of each word. How do you do it? It's breath taking...all your work is brilliant, jay! This one was friggin' beautiful, in your usual dark manner.
*R
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Ooh, another read-worthy poem =)
"Darkness recedes from me - stalking from afar."
I love that you make the darkness not a part of you, but actually and literally COMING from you (except you chose the much more artsy-sounding "recedes").
"Harmony disgraced / perfection deformed
I am the bringer of malevolent storms."
The slash in between "Harmony disgraced" and "perfection deformed" make it seem like song lyrics (and with the rhyme scheme, these 2 lines easily could be!)
Oh yeah, and I love, LOVE how you are the "bringer" (it sounds mystical, in a threatening sort of way) of malevolent storms (the "malevolent storms" thing makes it even more threatening. XD) All you need now is to say "Bond. James. Bond", and you'd be imposing (in a slightly lame, parodic kind of way). XD
"Ignoring the hymns of my twin"
Is this your clever way of referring to your "dark" side's temptation? Or does this mean something else you'll explain to me? =)
Jessica
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Spectacular
This poem was probably the best I've read today. Your ability to write with depth and meaning have put me in awe. Very good, spectacular entry. -
Ignoring the hymns of my twin...
You know there is some poetry I read here, and I'm afraid to say, not many pieces move me in any one way or another... But the ones you pen with such indepth, as well as all the days you've walked slowly underneath the acid rains. Your works hit the poetic spot. Thanks for sharing, and giving me some lines that I can relate to... as well as fresh words to improve my vocab. You get better and better. Pen on bro.
-Timothy aka poeticweaver~
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In pale grey I walk...
This gave me a vision of an opaque grey, almost in shadow, coattails lashing in the wind, not so much propelling you, but flagellum used in its 'a whip to cause punishment' definition.
I see this shadow following you, movements the same yet contorted, exaggerated...and when I close my eyes to see this entirely, in the end I see a defeated form falling over a table with a slowly dying candle...
Your imagery as always gives me a clear picture in my mind, may not be the intended image, but...it always evokes a painful emotion...a sorrowful image that leaves me with a haunted feel.
Great writing...
~B.
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Ignoring the hymns of my twin, as I slowly die in the cadlelight. All is not lost in despair! Hope is there when there seems none. Insightful poem indeed! Sie
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( = This is really good.
I hope you feel better!
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