The sun stirs flaming embers in the skies,
plays arson as the black sails slowly fade.
The ship's wake ripples with his cold goodbyes.
They crash through shifting sands and oaths betrayed,
to sweep against the truths my heart denies.
But though I watch until all fades to black,
he stands stiffly, and never once looks back.
Yet I remember when he first appeared!
The handsome hero, young and still so brave.
When Athens needed hope, he persevered,
sent to battle a beast, a maddened slave,
and, foolishly in love, I interfered.
Memories wash ashore, wave after wave.
I spun him thread in stretching crimson strand
and placed a sharpened sword in his strong hand
I was naught but a tool he could control,
exploited, deserted, left to die alone.
He owes me a life for the one he stole.
Curses slip through numb lips, in bitter tone,
and will forgetfulness to take its toll.
I weep, as swirling sea tides meet their own,
ashes to ashes, and water to water,
claiming the tears of Minos's daughter.
Author notes
This is a poem about Ariadne and Theseus.
It is written after he leaves her on the island of Naxos, as she wakes up and watches him leave her (thus the title 'Wake'). It's an ottava rima.
I know it's somewhat ambiguous, and I hope that's ok. If you want to know the whole story you can look it up online. I wanted to give you Ariadne, in all her pain and rage, watching this man, for whom she sacrificed EVERYTHING, sailing away and leaving her on Naxos.
Questions:
Any awkward rhymes?
Any parts that are unclear?
Any awkward meters?
Please be honest and critical! Thanks
A contest entry
- Theseus and Minos by Polaja.
700 points, ended January 12, 2008, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What would you change?
Comments
-
Beautifully penned, with all the sad regret and longing that his actions caused. We saw the same thing, from slightly (!) different perspectives.
-
I absolutely love your wording in this...so full of images, depth and emotions...and just plain beautiful! I vaguely remember that story - but have forgotten more than I remember...lol....but this is beautifully written and I really like how you have shown the feelings of 'the one left behind'.
I thought it read nicely...smooth
The images and emotion were great
Good luck in your contest.
-
I enjoyed your poem and thought the tone, of pain
and regret, beautifully expressed.
Especially liked the idea:
he owes me for a life he stole...
-
Very nice
I know very little about mythology. It is a huge hole in my education so I can't comment fully or intelligently on the content.
In the last line of the first stanza you open the line with an iamb and then go to a trochee. I don't know if it is always important to maintain the feet in each line but if you'd like to try 'so stiff' instead of 'stiffly' it would maintain the structure.
The seventh line in the final stanza is dactylic quatrameter and the last line seems to be a quatrameter consisting of a dactyl, a troche, another dactyl, and then a troche. The form is usually done in iambic pentameter as is the majority of this piece but I don't believe it is required. You may wish to have the last two lines vary for some effect, but I feel the two should be the same.
Jim
Adding your comment:
