The forest layered, steps,
browns and grays.
I could see well in my river's reflect;
my skies, separate blues and whites.
Beneath them a flowing smooth, you and I,
translucence and turbulence.
I walked from dirt and granite facades,
a beaten man, upon path indifferent,
and I could hear my downward waters,
in strides, wandering with me. Its ways
I wondered, how far away the falls,
cliffsides and me beside?
My forest gave way to snowing betrayals,
and I could well feel hell's entrenching cold.
In touching slopes, numbing entrails,
even as my river stilled, near sourced
cutting deep into my wrists.
Trickles now from iced trembles
Soon I felt a mountains apprehension
as I within arm's reach re-visited,
my highs and lows in its peaks, co-existed.
These melting frosts, as birthing goes.
This as I watched being buried alive in snow.
One hand breaching, pulled,
reborn from this my mountain, I did know.
Listening then I became amazed
as I heard drip, drip, drop's from icicles
In sitting up I saw beyond past days,
the below that beckoned me,
the tortuous ways I made,
miles on miles of expounding rage
Yes, I saw then my river, entrenched
and yes from trickles do trembles go.
I shivered, still
I watched my show
How could I know?
My love...
how could I know?
Author notes
-I imagined one regret as a river. What if I followed it up my mountain and back to its source?
A contest entry
- Subtlety and Sublimity by Doug Cavers.
500 points, ended March 2, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The river of life by Angelo di Luce.
430 points, ended February 27, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything and EVERYTHING! by xVamPirexMusiCx.
400 points, ended October 27, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyme,Lyrics, Prose, Dirty Pretty. by Antebellum.
800 points, ended September 24, 290 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites. by Antebellum.
400 points, ended November 14, 201 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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hmmmm.... I'm not sure what else to say to this. I've commented it already, so I guess.. I like the ending?
I really do. It remindes me of an ending I would come up with.
thanks for entering. -
How could I know?
My love...
how could I know?
wow. amazing ending. i loved it.
thanks for entering.
good luck -
Its so, pretty, and wow. best of luck
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Fantastic! the ending so revealing
Well done -
I loved the comparison to a river. a few grammer mistakes, but my grammers horrible so I may just be crazy. The imagery was amazing and I loved the ending. Great Write
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Maybe.
It was alright, I think it was a little to long, thank you for the entry!
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Yes
I would bet you put work into editing this before entering it as a prewrite. Still some grammar and punctuation problems, but very few compared to your writes from even a couple of weeks ago. Wonderful theme and execution of it. I loved the imagery and sense of sadness, with regrets that weigh heavy. Nice job.
Best of luck to you,
~J. -
No
I feel you played too loosely with syntax when it is not necessary. Altering syntax in free form verse gives me a feeling the poet is trying to let me know this is a poem.
Thanks for the entry. -
Yes ~
I agree with Zach ~
I wish I could comment, but I can not ~
I wish I had met your talents a long time ago, as I feel as though I have missed a lot,
..good luck,
Bear ~
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Yes~
Wonderful scribe~ -
LMFAO! Hope it works! LOL! I forgot my own password now!...they should send me a reminder within 4 hours! LOLOLOLOLOL! Cinn
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"you and I
Translucence and turbulence"
by far my most favorite lines contained within this piece... I like the sensual tone and the likening of an erotic experience to aspects of nature... great metaphor... I think that this piece would benefit from a bit of tightening... an economy of descriptions might leave a bit more to the readers imagination...
all in all, a damn worthwhile read... thanks for entering this piece in my contest...
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This is another excellence piece you do have a way of words . Kinda Robert Frost ish I like Your style.
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This is indeed impressive. The astute language, the tender but powerful flow of words, metaphors that make the hairs on the back of my neck stand are delightful.
"My forest gave way to snowed betrayals
And I could well feel hell's entrenching cold
In touching slopes, numbing entrails"
I am not a fan of any event that encounters cold or snow but this took my breath away, and for a semblance of a second, I thought I might like to go mountain climbing. Naw! You did it exceedingly well enough with these wonderful word for me. LOL
Oh and did I say, impressive? You! Sure did. I wish you the best in this challenge.
Much Love & Respect ♥
Renee
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