In my quest for Paradise,
I found our Armageddon quickly.
Slammed you hard into the vice,
Covered you in ash thickly.
You would forgive me
Thousands were falling at my side
And I smiled at you sweetly:
"To you, no harm I would betide."
You closed your eyes, believing.
You still forgave me.
When fire fell from the sky,
You still did not mistreat me.
As you smiled into my lies,
I left you to seek me.
Could you forgive me?
You didn't think me a liar
As you fell to your knees.
Blind eyes blinked back the fire
As I watched from 'neath God's wings.
Yet, you forgave me.
You accepted your fate
And smiled of little things.
In hiding, I ended my debate;
I'd seen enough from 'neath God's wings.
Would you forgive me?
You weren't hard to find,
But I had no hope to bring
Because I truly crossed the line;
I lifted you with my own wings.
But you forgave me
We tore away from the night.
Though I let out a scream,
I could not give up the fight,
In heaven, hell, or in between.
How could you forgive me?
We were suddenly all right.
Somewhere safe, somewhere green.
You'd never held me so tight.
It's the story of how you saved me
And then forgave me.
Author notes
Kikai Ni
I don't have anything to say about this piece. As far as inspiration and details go . . . I guess you'll just have to ask me.
A contest entry
- THE WORKSHOP CONTEST-BIG POINTS!!!! by Amy Meneses.
1700 points, ended April 12, 2008, 19 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Did the ending conclude?
Comments
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Firstly I must apologise for taking a while to comment on your re-write ... its been a hectic time.
I like what you have done here, though I still think some of the word usage is a little strange.
Thank you for submitting your poetry for our workshop contest and for taking the critique in the way it was meant.
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No problem. I completely understand hectic-ness; my own contested enterers are going to kill me one day.
Thank you.
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I think you did a very nice job taking in the criticism but still knowing that this is your wonderful piece of art and you know what is best for your piece. You remembered though, that sometimes you need a second eye to really see your poem inside out. Great re-write, I think you did a nice job. :-)
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Taking critisism has nevery been my problem - it's giving it. I'm very glad, though, that my understanding and application pleased you.
Thank you for helping me to improve.
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I agree with Fug-azi in all aspects except I don't know if I really like the repetition of "And you forgave me" it may flow better if you lose "and" and just made it "you forgave me." I think too much repetition in a long poem makes the repetition drown the content. Another idea may be to change it up a bit every time with that resolute form at the end "And then forgave me" or somehow twist the story, "you didn't forgive me" or "why did you forgive me" you know...something along those line to make it really stand out and make a nice solute ending. Please re-write this for final judgment and thank you very much for allowing your poem to be workshopped and allowing yourself to get better as a poet. :-) We all need constructive criticism to get better.
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I worried about the repetition. I'm not certain, though, if I want to take it out or not. I really like your idea of rewording it; I think I'll do that.
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The refrain works well, pulling the reader back to the main subject of your poem, not allowing them to drift away with you images.
I can see that you have incorporated rhyme in each stanza, ABAB though you lose the ‘B’ rhyme in stanza 4 , both ‘A’ and ‘B’ in stanza 5 and, again the ‘B’ in stanza 8, perhaps a re-think on some words used in those stanzas would bring them back into the structure you started with. Some of the other rhymes I felt were a little forced as if you choose the word because it fitted the rhyme rather than the context of the poem. Eg. Using ”thickly” in stanza one, it gives you the rhyme for “quickly”, and although it may be grammatically correct it just seems a very awkward word to use. It could still be used if the line was structured slightly differently;
“Covered you in ash: thickly”
The use of the colon allows you to expand the initial sentence to include a more detailed image.
There are lines that just leave the reader hanging; asking questions, why, where or how;
“Thousands were falling at my side”; why were they falling?
The use of a semi-colon in stanza 6, line 3 is incorrect, it should be used to join two complete sentences into a single written sentence when all of the following conditions are met:
(1) The two sentences are felt to be too closely related to be separated by a full stop;
(2) There is no connecting word which would require a comma, such as and or but;
(3) The special conditions requiring a colon are absent.
A full stop or connecting word would have been more appropriate.
There are other places where punctuation would enhance the poem, giving the reader prompts to the pauses required, eg. We were suddenly all right
Somewhere safe, somewhere green. --- Full stop added.
You'd never held me so tight
I think with a clean up of the punctuation you have penned a deep poem here.
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I will rephrase the one where I lost both A and B, but many of the lines you pointed out have sound rhyme, and those will remain the same.
I think adding a colon where you suggested would break up the flow.
Since I used images like 'hiding beneath god's wings' and 'fire fell from the sky' I figured it was obvious that people were dying.
The line after the semicolon is explaining why I had no hope to bring. I could use no connecting word and they were two closely related to use a full stop without confusing the reader.
I will add more punctuation; I've a bad habit of leaving it out.
Thank you for the critique. -
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Its all good, in the end its your poem and you have to see it as you want to. I just saw the word usage in that line:
"Covered you in ash thickly"
as a little archaic, I think the majority of people would have said "Covered you in thick ash", but that wouldn't have fitted with your rhyme scheme .. The words usage is not incorrect, it just reads awkwardly.
The addition of the colon would not break the flow as the pause associated with a colon is not as long as a comma or full stop.
I understand what you are saying about the semi-colon, but I don't see the close connection between the items in each of the lines, but, of course that could just be me
I like the other changes you have made though
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Shancy was your judge for the contest… Because of the abundance of entries... we are having trouble getting two scores for each poem...I would just like to thank you anyway for entering and participating in our contest and good luck,
~luminescence
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It's no problem
Thank you for making the extra effort ^.^ I'm glad that I have entered a contest that has a judge who is dynamic.
Thank you for the wish of luck; I collect them.
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This is a dark piece that makes the reader think. I like it. Thank you so much for entering and participating. Good luck. Your score: Title:9 Diction:9 Syntax:8 Wowness factor:9 Total:35. Shancy.
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Is 35 good?
It's no problem. I'm glad you liked it . . . if you did.
sorry, I'm easily confused.
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There's a few things I like about this write: the repetiton of "you forgave me" and the beginning when you said that in your search for paradise, the end came quickly. LOVE the descriptions. Excellent job!
Thanks for entering your write in "Enter All Your Love Writes Here!", and good luck!
M a r l u x i a
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I think the repetition kind of brought home the idea and kept the reader's mind from wandering too far. Well, at least, that's what I meant to do.
When looking for the good, you find the bad. It seems to always work out that way. It's at least food for thought.
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This is the most *incert explaination o your choice here* thing
OMG I love this peom so much its full of emoness happiness and destruction what coud make a more perfect peom I mean I love it alot like a lot a lot teehe
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_-_ It's spelled "insert," Windy. And 'tisn't emoness. It's all like sadness imagery and stuff and symbolism that I thought you hated but aparently you don't if it's not in your poem.
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and if you ever 'teehee' on one of my poems again, I will hack your account and make your face image of sasuske and itachi (just kidding, moderatorz)
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I really like thisp oem and how much emotion it has... I really like the flow and it's consistancey. Keep up your great writing, thank you for the entry and good luck in my contest.
~Maria -
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Poems are Emotion, After All
I thought the last stanza and the 5th lost consistency, but I'm glad you didn't catch it, because that means it wasn't a distraction.
Thank you; I hope to do well.
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Actually I have read this once before... And even though things in my life have changed... I still fill the same as before, I still strongly relate to this poem in many ways... I am sorry I couldn't think of anything to change, but to tell the truth I love it the way it is... I am sorry if this comment doesn't help at all... -
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lol
No, it does help that you commented. You let me know that you enjoyed it the way it is, and editing it would take from something. The fact that you didn't identify exactly what it would detract from is no big inconvenience ^.^
Wow, do I feel stupid. >.< You already commented. Of course. Thank you for putting up with my lack of any sort of memory. Ever.
Really, thank you.
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OMG!!!!
this poem seriously hit a deep chord with me IDK why, but it did, and from begining to end it flowed flawlessly...omg thank you for writing this!!!
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lol anytime. I think most people can relate to either side of the poem. I did a freewrite and it just started rhyming. ^.^ I'm glad you're as happy with it as I am.
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yeah I know I did wow you have inspired me honestly I envee you
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^.^
It's 'envy,' love.
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wow
this was really cool...
I was reading it very quickly to try and get to the end cuase of the suspense... but wound up reading it like 3 or 4 more times after words :]
well done! -
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I didn't know the suspense was that great, but I'm glad that it was because that makes the conclusion all the better. I think the best poems require rereading, and it brings me great joy to think of my own work that way.
Thank you.
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... T_T
Brought tears to my eyes... As I was reading that all I could think of was how much I am like that... I mean smiling into lies... Always forgiving... Never mistreating... This is one of your best ones yet... It touched my heart... Thank you...
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Did it honestly cause that much of an emotional response? I'm sorry I almost made you cry, but I'm overjoyed that this write touched you so deeply. Comments like this are why I enjoy writing.
You are always welcome.
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