Every night she lay awake,
Listening to the sounds,
Of every breath she dared to take,
Waiting to be found.
The Lady roamed around the tears,
Summoned by the air,
Of one who knew that She was near,
That one whose soul lay here.
she followed Death without a whine,
Enchanted by Her lures,
Despite the fact her heart declined,
her body lay surrendered.
They found her body lifeless
-her glow not to be found,
An eerie smile upon the lips,
Not ever to utter a sound.
The fairies whirled their dust upon her,
Their lost, and lonely Queen
her shimmer, her golden light- a blur
her face- never to be seen.
Author notes
In this poem there are two female characters, to make a distinction:
One: Lady Death- who is always capitalized when referred to (She, Her...)
Two: The victim- who is not capitalized
A contest entry
- Can You Write like Service, Kipling or Noyes by ecrivain01.
1900 points, ended December 22, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
a dark intriguing poem, with some really creative ideas that I like. cool write -E
-
I absolutely adore this poem. it's something that if i found it in a book, i would mark it- and go back there frequently. I like that she was a fairie queen : )
-
Not bad ...
although I certainly am not taken with rhyming "lures" with "surrendered". Otherwise, this isn't a bad write. The meter doesn't always work but all in all, it's not bad.
-
I've always admired Poe.
I even wrote one that I would compare to his Bells, which I think is around here somewhere. It is called flies. -
I like it.
It starts off nice and tight, rhyme and meter at about 95%. In the third stanza it starts to fly apart. Letters aren't capped, the rhyme isn't there and the meter falls apart. You need to pay attention to detail from the first to the last. -
-
I have to agree with you on the rhyme and meter towards the second half- it cries to be edited. I capitalized certain words (such as 'she' and 'her') so the reader would have an easier time telling the difference between the Lady and the victim. Thank you for your comment and your suggestions- I sincerely appreciate both and am glad you like the poem.
-
-
I do understand
the invention you were creating with the difference between She and she, Her and her, etc, but it makes the poem look sloppy. You might do better to use SHE for Death and She or she for the fairy, depending on whether or not it is at the beginning of the line, etc. Otherwise, the lack of caps at the beginning of lines just looks sloppy. You can't ignore a convention for an invention, especially in a context in which you are trying to emulate some of the most conventional poets. By the way; I meant and forget to mention Poe and your piece reminds me of him. -
-
Hmmm... I never thought of that as a solution, but might do just that when I edit it. Either that or change the victim to a he, which is less preferable at the moment. I can't express to you how delighted I am that you mentioned Poe in your comment- he is one of my favorite writers of all time and I admire his work greatly. Thanks again!
-
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
