Her Sister's Keeper

Winter ferns decorate the windowpanes

Frosty albino fronds

Covering sparkling glass

(gratis Jack), lurking beneath in bas-relief

Night looms darkly

Save for the half -lidded eye of a waning moon

Straining to break the midnight gloom

Of a starless sky

Sleeplessly I lay in bed

… taking stock …pale blue accents

Warming the  honey- gold of my dresser

Where ticks the clock ... beside it her picture 

Comforting my eyes

I finger the  patchwork bedspread

Made with her own hands

She artistically arranged pieces into varying shades

Of blues and tans ...  a work of art

Functional,  warm and inviting

I pull it over my bare shoulders

... a chill pervades the room

Air moves across my left ear … fleetingly

Like a spectral kiss

... inviting as a shadow’s hiss

 Distant sounds flirt for my attention

Tantalizing ellipsis carried on an errant breeze

Gentley  tease .... whispering ... whispering

 The thing about death

(I think)

Is it’s finality …

Wide awake now  I give up on sleep

And begin to dress

…heavy wool shirt

Tartan green and grey

(like our eyes she used to say)

She'd spread the cloth

Across the dining room table

Cutting out the pattern with mother’s ancient pinking shears …

My worst fears I'm afraid have been realized

 ... I am alone

I slip on long johns ... my faded blue jeans

Weighing the enormity of this thought …

I pull on two layers of Kodiak wool work socks

Get up and walk to the stairway ...

Suddenly I begin to sway

My head swimming with grief

I grab the wooden banister

And pause for a brief moment

... to collect myself …

“ … don’t put my love upon no shelf…”

Inexplicably that old one hit wonder enters my mind

… and my breaking heart unwinds

Squeezing my chest savagely

… but I don’t cry…

The fat lady sang her song and it’s over now

so it's do or die…do or die

...do or die ...

Our second cousin Sharon sang at the front of the church

In my minds eye I see her chubby, earnest face

Puffed and tear-streaked

… without warning I laugh out loud

.. a half -strangled shriek ..

It bounces off the walls in hollow echoes …

I listen ... standing still and quiet

 On the dark empty landing

For a long, long time ...

... holding on with everything I’ve got….

 Then I descend

And grab my warmest winter jacket

Slip my feet into a pair of insulated Sorrel boots

(still stifling the odd half -crazy hoot)

... and thinking...  

(I'm losing my mind)

 I insert shaky hands into heavy leather skidoo gloves 

 As Istep out the back door I pull an old red toque over

My  bed-tousled hair

 The cold assaults my senses ... it's everywhere

Freezing fingers poking up my nose

Frosting the nose-hairs I have  imbedded  there ...

Making it difficult for me to breathe

 My crunching footsteps ricochet across

Snow drifted fields

.. .a world of white blanketingyet  another 

Starless winter night

 I look up and wink at the one-eyed crone

She glares back at me from her lofty perch

Rowan loved our lady moon ... in all her many phases …

Suddenly I remember a list of phrases we once read 

Describing the winter crone :

“Inward, spiraling, seeing, knowing

counting, measuring, tallying, understanding

sorting, mending, discarding, treasuring

weaving, synthesizing, knitting, folding

laughing, crying, wailing, keening

tearing, scratching, burying, mourning

gathering, preparing, spiraling, visioning,

blending, accepting, knowing, being

healing, laughing, transforming, teaching

Wisdom”

How I remember it like that

Right out of the blue

I haven’t a clue!

But it’s relevancy to my current situation

Is astounding ...

“I don’t think I'm there yet”

I say aloud to the frigid air

My voice sounds cracked

Nakedly bare  … 

 A solitary tear  falls

Solidifying on my bottom lash

Grief frozen in time

A poignant thought

(I think ...but appalling)

Between clenced jaws

My teeth gnash

Off handedly I wonder what it would be like to taste

This salty little drop of pain ...?

Suddenly the idea seems ludicrous.…almost obscene

Abruptly I flick it off my face

There is no right time or  right place for my grief

It roams my being in a restless, homeless fugue

Searching futilely for relief

Shifting from one kind  to another kind of hopeless mood

…the horizon looms blacky

A  deep absorbing black that sucks you into eternity

Until fear beats at your chest walls

And you feel like running blindly .. wildly  ...anywhere 

..but there is no "anywhere" to go

So you stand  alone

... in the cold

I try desperately to anchor myself back

Onto this planet I call home ...

 ... I do it by thinking everyday mundane thoughts like:

What shall I make for supper tonight or

Should I take the jeep in for an oil change …?

...any kind of normality that will help me to somehow

Feel sane again ...

... strangely Iam feeling so sleepy

The cold is inviting and asks me to lay down

To  rest for just a little while

... I smile ... oh to sleep!

 In the distance a  fox  barks and

I snap into cold reality and with a shrug

I trudge back toward the house

That night I dream ...

I hear my name being called from outside

... no I think... this can't be!

...is that Rowan?

I grab a lantern and I'm on the fly

Out I go …in my bare feet!

The cold burns but I don't care

I hear Rowan!

She's out there ...calling me!

The cold is agonizing but cathartic

.. I need the pain

It wipes out that dreadful ache of longing that

Isolates my spirit from my soul ... the not belonging...

 Soon I'm  feeling nothing at all and as I run

I'm calling ...calling out my sister's name

"Rowan! Rowan! "

... and then she comes to me!

"Rowan … my heart, my soul

...my twin!  I beseech thee ...take me!

Take me ... take me please!’

She hovers in the dark wintery sky ... her skin

A marbled porcelain white ... is glowing 

She hangs suspended in the night

Bouyed by wings of the purest light

Her eyes adoring

My tears are falling

... glittering diamonds bouncing off snow 

"Not now sister dear"

Whispers Rowan's breathy voice

And it reaches my ear

In puffs of frigid air

I watch the darkness absorb her ebon hair

Old lady moon is croning...

Reflecting streaks of midnight-blue a-gleaming

As I stand  there  entranced and watch it streaming ...

"Rise sister ...rise !" she commands

I feel a pair of gelid hands

Pull at me  ...and I’m confused because

I thought I was  already standing …!

Then looking down atmy unclad feet

 I’m amazed to see myself

Laying fast asleep

Finally I'm understanding 

...I'm dying!

This is no dream!

I'm still dressed in my winter clothes

Nestled in  deep and drifting snow!

So as  I arose …I looked around me

… I was alone

Though not really!

For Rowan, my beloved twin

Is the angel who forever will guard over me!