Something someone told me sent shivers down my spine
It was quite a story it sounded just like mine
Like peas in a pod we had slipped into the past
We said it would never happen that this time was the last
Pain and regret is what we saw and didn't want to see
This hadn't happened it wasn't meant to be
We couldn't change a thing no matter how we tried
Something that day slipped away and died
Now back in the here and now we get through life each day
When speaking to each other we don't quite know what to say
It's different now than it was way back when
And I swear this time I won't go back in time again
Don't want to see the future it may not be so good
But now I think I have taken more than I should
Look back into your past and regret and hurt if you may
But if your smart you'll hear these words and listen to what I say
Live for today and do your best in all that you do
I hope my feelings have now given you a clue
Depression and insanity comes in way to fast
So live each day as if it were your last
A contest entry
- Can You Write like Service, Kipling or Noyes by ecrivain01.
1900 points, ended December 22, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
what can I improve upon?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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A Favorite of your poems for me
Excellent. This is an especially good one.
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Wow your really good at writing. I'm not much of a poet myself I always over analyze everything but I like how you start speaking of pain and end with advice that offers hope. Oh and thanks for the comment on Justice. Sorry it was short but I have problems coming up with more to add to poems but I'll try and make it longer soon.
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Well now ...
this isn't a bad write, but you need to fix the errors in it.
Now back in the here and now we get thriugh life each day (through life each day)
When speaking to other's we don't quite know what to say (when speaking to each other)
It's differant now than it was way back when (It's different now)
But now I think Iv'e took more than I should (But now I've taken more than I should)
But if your smart you'll hear these words and listen to what I say (But if you're smart)
Depression and insanity comes in way to fast (come in way too fast)
Otherwise, it's not a bad write. Thanks for entering.
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To answer the question you asked, "what can I improve on?!?!" My answer is this, I feel noone has the right to snap judment on another, telling somone else to improve something, If the poetry you write comes from your heart then it is what it is, and nothing needs improvement! This poem sent forth a strong message and that's what you wanted it to do! A wonderful piece of art !!!
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very well done!!
Hello there, friend! I enjoyed reading your poem, it coensides much with how I feel and what I'm going through, but all in all it was very well done! Hmp..What could you improve upon?...Perhaps the flow. Try to give your writings somekind of pattern with either the text or the rhythm. Just a thought, but I enjoyed it none the less!
Much love & hope!
The Dark Raven
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so clean and crisp...
great job dear poet, great job!
So live each day as if it were your last!
Powerful stanza for all of us poet to enjoy and feast!
ears2hearyou
Kathleen
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Nice rhyme in couplets
Sincere and honest in the telling. -
Sometimes
Sometimes a second change is all one needs to make things write. You so eloquently state it in this fine write. My wishes go out to you
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