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Mind's Battle




We try our luck to start again when all we do is fall apart.
The soul combines with shattered screams that slow the beating of my heart.
These thoughts are formed from fatal loss, the heart beat skips us one by one.
You looked around for those who care, there were a ton, then there was none.

        The luck will come and sometimes go, keep moving on, don't fall apart
        Your soul can handle so much more, be patient and control your heart
        No loss can stand to block your way, keep taking steps, just one by one
        The limitations to your life - there were a ton, then there was none

You say that chant as if your sure, when you see that I'm falling down
So torn and broken when I look only to find them not around
My conscience takes the best of me and tells me that I have no worth
And so with every beating gone, my heart slowly becomes inert

        This is no chant, it is the truth - pick up yourself when you fall down
        Life taught you to support yourself so do not look for those around
        Reasons for life are always there so you can't say you have no worth
        And if something's to disappear then let your gloom become inert

You've told me to hold on before but I'm not doing that again
Because to break down every time just seems to bring me so much pain
The words you've told are of no use, like advice we must pass it on
Don't live your life in any hope, 'cause one day it will all be gone

        You can't sink down in endless pits, don't let me tell you once again
        You'll become strong with every plunge, lessons are often learnt in pain
        Don't set standstill at anytime, in life you're to keep moving on
        The obstacles - you'll overcome and all those fears will soon be gone

Don't tell me lies about this life, I've seen it all, I've gone too far
Each attempt we so wrongly make, destroys the person that we are
We've thrown away the hope we've stored, exchanged it for a different cause
Can't show our face outside the house, have to sit in perfecting flaws

        This world is what you make of it, to find the truth - don't go too far
        The struggles that you now go through will build the person that you are
        Keep faith and hope and trust and care - it'll all be put in for a cause
        Imperfect is what's prettiest, so learn how to accept your flaws.

Darkness sets in, to cloud my days, I don't know how I'm moving on
        The light will shine upon your path, and then your troubles will be gone.




Author notes

Finally in now. Don't ask me how I wrote about hope.
And don't be misled either - I have none whatsoever.

What I tried to do with this is portray a battle of my mind. One side telling me it's useless to continue life - and the other telling me to go on. [in real life, my darker side wins] But here, the turmoil ends in hope.

Since it's all by one person, I used the same rhymes in different phrases. Criticism always welcome.

A contest entry

Now you tell me:

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 53 of 53

  • Shya
    July 18, 2008

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    This is really thought-provoking, and portrays a mind's battle with vivid language. My favorite part:

    "Don't tell me lies about this life, I've seen it all, I've gone too far
    Each attempt we so wrongly make, destroys the person that we are"

    Thanks for entering!


  • Oleander
    May 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is something very dear to me, a poem I truly needed to read. You have written quite a gem. Thankyou for sharing this with me. I can feel such emotions in each stanza.


  • JustxThexBeginning
    April 18, 2008

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    Indeed a battle... A battle that seems to see no end... this was true on so many levels... the feelings, the emotions.... it was all there.... thank you for offering this piece to me... good luck in my contest...

  • DarkRomantic113
    April 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    You wrote...about hope. Hot Dog!


    • Never Fall in Love
      April 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      It was for the last round of a contest - reached till the end so couldn't back off. It paid off well though, won the contest
      oh, and you are hungry today - anyway, I must be off soon


  • whatever666
    April 15, 2008

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    long winded but to the point

    wow even though its long and i did have to re-read it a few times i can relate to this. sometimes you want to give into the darker side, but find something a hobby to keep you grounded to the good of life. life is worth the living given a chance. god bless


  • CanadianGirl1
    March 24, 2008

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    This is amazing!! probably one of the best I have had the pleasure of reading. Thank you very much for your entry


  • dust -in-the-wind
    February 6, 2008

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    i like this poem you did a great job on it good luck in the contest

    brookeann


  • One Angry Monkey
    February 6, 2008

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    Thanks for the read and for the entry. It's a difficult thing to portray two points of view in the one continueous poem. My two minor critisisms would be the length of the lines and a couple of your rhymes wich are imperfect, but it think you get away with them for the most part.

  • JM Kenyon silver member
    December 21, 2007

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    Then we have a bit in common Hope isn't too hard to imagine from the bottom I guess, since on the way down, we spend a long to time clinging to every thread, hoping that that thin hope will not break too soon, won't break before there is another thread within out grasp.

    It's a long, despreate fall and sometimes on the way down, it seems we've been hanging on so long that we can't possibly fall any farther... and then the thread snaps again...

    Trust fades, the deeper we go, until we truly do have trust in only in ourselves, but at least it is something and there is nobody to knock us deeper with disappointment except ourselves... Sometimes wondering if we even WANT to climb out of the hole...

    For me though... I've found something stronger than threads, those are hands up, it means I have to trust, but the worst that can happen is falling and I'm pretty good at that now

    Great write. Very strong and optimistic, so I hope that oyu can reconcile with these words and maybe find a hand to grasp. s and bestw ishes always... ~Genie~

  • Eusebius
    December 5, 2007

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    bravo

    A highly lyrical and flowing piece, brilliantly concieved and powerfully executed (I know that "hope" is highly unfashionable, however this poem is quite excellent.) bravo... bravo... bravo...


  • W a s p
    November 30, 2007

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    Did...

    you write this for me!! (hahaha) quite amazing really, how many people have been down that road. I think this is very well written... and catches the moment, if it does that for me then it must be good!!...ian.


    • Never Fall in Love
      November 30, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Haha, not really specifically written for you. But really written for anyone it helps - so it'll include you


  • ----michael----
    November 29, 2007

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    beautifully written. I don't make much of a critique but I know when a poem feels good and reads well, this was easy to read, flowed well and rhymed perfectly, not forced at all. fantastic, well done.

  • LilAmy
    November 29, 2007

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    A very deep and moving poem. I especially like the sense of rhythm you have created here, as well as the moral message/ lesson behind the poe


  • Dark Whispers
    November 28, 2007

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    This wasn't your best write, and it had very few periods which to me throws off the balance of the poem.
    the lines read like sentences which was interesting but it didn't come out very poetic.

    • Never Fall in Love
      November 28, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      It flowed for me ...
      I've also said to another person to try reading the sentences in halves - like pausing in between.. it would sort have come out like

      We try our luck to start again
      when all we do is fall apart.
      The soul combines with shattered screams
      that slow the beating of my heart.
      These thoughts are formed from fatal loss,
      the heart beat skips us one by one.
      You looked around for those who care,
      there was a ton, then there was none.

      maybe then ..

      • Dark Whispers
        November 28, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        that sounds much better, so why not just cut the sentences in half, it would be much easier on the readers, the rhyme scheme doesn't really work in the sentence form


  • Shakes-spear
    November 27, 2007

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    No Hope?

    You try to dwell in sorrow, but hope shines in every word you write. Your life may feel like you can never win, but I know you will someday. Life for me didn't get really worth living till I was 30, but as you say,"That's just me." Though from what I read from others, life is eaiser after you settle into your life and you are only just starting. You have so much in front of you. You make me proud! Every time you put pen to paper, you win. Every time you write your heart, you touch others that are feeling the same. I wouldn't be surprized to know your works have kept some from falling over the edge. If that doesn't make you smile, I don't know what could. I love you, the Shaker


  • angelswant2swim
    November 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    OMG you are a genius!

    I have to thank you dearly for writing this masterpiece. It hits home for me in so many ways its beautiful IM CRYING

  • XBl00dTH1RSTYK1ll3R
    November 26, 2007
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    excellent :)

    I have the same battles in my head sometimes. I love this.


  • faithwhisperer silver member
    November 26, 2007

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    Love the picture!

    I love the idea of hope vs. hopelessness, because we all fight that battle. I only win when I find hope, but I've been on the side of hopelessness also, however, I thank God He helps me, otherwise, I do believe at some point death would have won. Nice write thought! Keep fighting the good fight!

    • Never Fall in Love
      November 27, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      As I said to the other person all the way at the bottom, I'm glad you found your hope - hold on to it.
      I may not find it now ... but that's me..
      thank you

  • Deadmans Heart
    November 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    LOL, makes me think of the cartoon scenario with the devil and angel on the character's shoulders

    I had trouble following the rhyme scheme, but I liked how you use a topic that was viewed both ways in the poem

  • soccer9guitar
    November 26, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Nice


  • vivela silver member
    November 26, 2007

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    thought provoking

    Yes, indeed life is a battle. I'm sure many of us go through similar ones to yours. It is an interesting topic and your poem is wonderful to read. Warm Regards...vivela


  • Ryno
    November 26, 2007

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    Whoa. Your wisdom here shines through very strongly, the emotion is so strong and it has such intense emotions in this. Of course you flow is spectacular, as always


  • Loveandblessings2u gold member
    November 26, 2007

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    Ok, I read your every word,
    you know already which ones I loved.
    I won't ask you how you wrote anything about hope,
    because Sweetheart deep inside you already know.
    You beautiful young lady, have hope, you always did.
    You wouldn't be the You that You are without it.
    I'll always say, that you amaze me, even when you don't want to hear it.
    Brillant writing Sweetheart,
    Sorry if your Granny makes you crazy sometimes.
    Love your mind blowing talent !!!

    Loveandblessings2u & yours always
    Love Ya,
    Granny

    • Never Fall in Love
      November 27, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Maybe I do have it in me, and that's why I'm able to write it down on paper. But in the end,the moods that I dwell in every day are of a darker nature.
      You don't make me crazy just loved
      Love ya ♥


  • Death of the Author
    November 26, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Oh
    Great picture too
    I'm done

    x

  • Death of the Author
    November 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "there was a ton, then there was none" - I like that expression. I just popped down to this comment box to say that and while I was here I saw your Author's note. I think the idea about the rhyme is a great one and I will have to see whether it works. Oh, and there's nothing wrong with a little hope once in a while!

    You say that chant as if your sure, when you see that I'm falling down
    This is no chant, it is the truth - pick up yourself when you fall down

    I like that comparison. The changed repetition works well throughout the poem, it's a nice change...


    You'll become strong with every plunge, lessons are often learnt in pain

    So beautifully true. The stanza that is in and the one that precedes/preceeds (which is it?) it are my favourites...so far...

    Don't tell me lies about this life, I've seen it all, I've gone too far
    Each attempt we so wrongly make, destroys the person that we are

    I love the way you've phrased that, though I disagree, like your "hope" side, I think it helps shape who we are even if we feel awful at the time...

    perfecting flaws - great paradox, perfect flaws...umm delicious

    Imperfect is what's prettiest, so learn how to accept your flaws.

    Very nice indeed!

    I like this, it's original and penned well. I don't think it flows as well (only a few parts) as some of your other pieces but then again that could just be me...
    Oh and I think you can do better with the title (but you know what I'm like with titles ). Maybe "Battle of One" would be better, but I shouldn't be telling you to change things like that so I'll be quiet now!

    Adios, good luck and take care x

    • Never Fall in Love
      November 27, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      That has to be the longest comment I've ever received from you!
      I don't get it ... This flow I've been using in a ton of my writes don't seem to flow for you.. maybe you try cutting the sentences in half, taking a pause and then continue doing so. That's how I read it. And no, I will not read it for you.. I have the cold - I'll sound like some chipmunk.

      Thankies !

      • Death of the Author
        November 27, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        I have a cold too, it sucks. Though I would love to hear you sound like a chipmunk

        You're right, it probably is me...I'll re-read it and see ^^ take care x


  • AlwaysbeBIG
    November 26, 2007
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    Very cool.

    This poem was awesome. Keep up the good work!

  • michaeline
    November 26, 2007

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    You spoke very clearly and from your heart.It is a daily battle to fight these feelings that you are having I have them all of the time.You showed you are not for the count something inside you wants to fight these feelings and I think that eventually you will win and have a better outlook on things.You do get a very good message across even in your inner turmoil.Great job at expressing yourself.Your rhyming was great.Don't really think that this can be improved upon.


  • GiftedPsychosis gold member
    November 26, 2007
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    This was totally worth the wait. I must confess, when I first saw this, I thought, wow, a really long problem.
    When I read it, I thought, wow, a really amazing long poem!!
    This was great and amazing!
    I love it.
    The way it's spaced, darkness and then hope, it's just... great!
    And the last to lines, wow.
    This is just great.
    Thank youfor entering and good luck in the contest!


    • Never Fall in Love
      November 27, 2007

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      haha, I was wondering if it was allowed to put anything dark in the poem at all. Have fun judging Thank you

      • GiftedPsychosis gold member
        November 27, 2007

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        It's your poem, you can put in whatever you like as long as it has hope in it somewhere.

        Oh, and I forgot to comment on the picture.
        Very cool/pretty. Love it!!


  • x--nocturnia--x
    November 26, 2007

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    AMAZING! A traditional poem, and yet not. The same rhymes repeated, but no message carried twice. Truer words are seldom spoken, and never quite as artfully. This. Totally. Rocks.

    And whether you've faith in your words or not, you do not lie... in fact, this is something that's really uplifted me. Handy that, I'm off to bed. Wonderful write, dear...

    .


    • Never Fall in Love
      November 27, 2007
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      It's wonderful that I can uplift you! even if I don't believe in it myself.. Thank you


  • warrior-eagle
    November 26, 2007

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    I actually liked this.
    It somewhat shows the battle of not only your mind
    but others,
    well i think it would be good enough for you to know that there is certainly hope..i think we've talked before not sure, but for me that hope was jesus and is still is.
    you did a good job here.

    ...Simply Me♥

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