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The Midnight Visitor

            Like shadows creeping the dark,
              She wanders with neither sound nor shimmer.
                On a breath of wind, her trademark,
                  the night is haunted with her glimmer.

            Claws of steel, nakedness,
              malicious fire for eyes...
                Forever calling dark spirits to bring distress,
                  Gaping black wound-mouth, her hatred defies.

            As is a bucket of ice full of glass,
              she's sharp and cold, shocks and slices.             
                Like moon upon night, she sharply contrasts         
                  the beliefs she extends of her niceness.             

            Seductive giggle cuts the air,
              leaves suspending her up there.
                Caressing breeze passes her lips,
                  hiding teeth poisonously tipped.

            Tongue of silver, voice of reason,
              she pulls you into her shadow realm,
                embracing those of mischief, theft and treason,
                  nightmares she easily overwhelms.

            Creeping with stars to the end of the eve,
              like swampgas, her beauty lures final prey...
                Of her malicious intentions do not be decieved,
                  or she'll come and get YOU today...

~



                                                                            FIRST ATTEMPT
                                                                >I had not seen the categories yet<


                                                                  Like leaves dancing in the breeze,
                                                                    She moves with grace and ease.
                                                                          Silent as a mouse,
                                                                      She creeps into your house.
                                                                As sweet as forest nuts and berries,
                                                                      Gentle as a single sherry -
                                                              Light as petals, she lays a tender kiss,
                                                                to wash your dreams with pure bliss.
                                                                      So tenderly done is this,
                                                                  Tis no surprise humans often miss
                                                                      the occasional appearance
                                                                    and the constant interferance -
                                                                    nor her dis- and reappearance -
                                                                      Miss Sweet's silent visits...


                                                                      This fantasy do not dismiss,
                                                                    For I do swear that she exists,
                                                                      The Dark Elf of Tendern"i"ss*
     

     


*clearly a take-off of tenderness, made to rhyme.

Author notes

Quite frankly, I think this is far too basic. However, this contest was a bit beyond my reach, so I did my best - I sincerely apologise for the blase 'metaphors'. I really couldn't think hard enough.

ENJOY!

PS First Version's up there as I think it's better than the first attempt. I'm sure they're both crap. No matter, I like 'em.

-grins stupidly-

Enjoi

A contest entry

Feedback please! Your eyes words help my vision... :-) Cheers for looking :-D

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Comments


  • Idle Mind Wondering silver member
    December 20, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I am only going to comment on the first poem as I seldom read notes unless they are necessary for definition of form and or phrases.

    I liked your take on this, your thoughts are delivered well. Your structure and rhyme are strong except where you broke in the fourth stanza (big ? mark as to why ). I want you to know I think you show a great deal of promise and talent. keep penning


  • I will stand by you
    November 27, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    have a little confidence. This was a great write. Both were good but I liked the second try. It really painted a picture.


  • clownofdeath
    November 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    gripping

    i dont think either is crap. very vivid is the description to me. i really love these pieces. fan-freaking-tastic


  • Zahir
    November 26, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Wicked

    Well, I have to say I really prefer the later version, it's more wicked. And wicked is good, we all knoew that^^ Didn't really like the mouse thing in the first one since it made me think of someone very shy.

    Now, I'm just gonna point out my absolute favorite lines, otherwise I'd be quoting half the poem, and this comment would be like your author's info

    "On a breath of wind, her trademark,
    the night is haunted with her glimmer."

    "Caressing breeze passes her lips,
    hiding teeth poisonously tipped."

    Somehow that second quote just puts this playful yet slightly frightening grinning face into my head.