Diary entry no. 3

Dear Diary

We're getting closer to Christmas, and it should be a happy time.
We're getting closer to our 2 year's anneversary, and it should be a happy time.

But it's not.
It's a mellow time.

I'm balancing on the edge of depression.
I feel shamefull that I cannot go to school while working.
I feel shamefull that I cannot show my parents-in-law a grade next summer.
Not my parents.
My own parents understand, and respect that it stresses me too much.
That I'm just not capable.

Michael understands, he accepts. But not his parents.
I don't want to have to prove myself to anyone, but I feel I must to them.
The wealthy and educated, the smart and capable..
I'm not one of them.

I'm not sure how Michael feels about me anymore.
I'm not sure he knows either.
We've not talked about my cutting, and it has not happened since.
We've not coped.
And when it cannot hold itself any longer, it will throw me to the ground.
I fear what will come.


My fear is taking over.
My fear grows stronger every day.
Every day I no longer know where I stand.
With him.

It's odd how I always find myself to be my second priority.
How he is my first.
It's odd how he is his first and I'm his second, too.
But it's me, and it's how I live.

I just hope that my first priority wants to remain my first.
If he would but reach out his hand, he would be first for a lifetime.
So far it's only almost 23 months.